Celestial Sex

A Digital Death

2010-04-19T21:16:00.000-07:00

I’ve started a morbid hobby that’s made me realize the digital age is changing the way handle death. When I hear on the news about a young person who’s died in a car accident or crime, I can’t help but check and see if they have a Facebook page, and often they do. There’s something unfinished about finding a dead person’s page, knowing their status will never be updated , that it’s possible no one knew their username and password so the profile will continue to exist longer than the actual person, almost like they never died to those who only interacted with them through cyberspace. The last two names I searched were young women, unique names, both engaged, both posting gushing wedding-related messages on their wall about their excitement for the big day and then, nothing- a story left unfinished, a promise never fulfilled. I didn’t know these women but from their info. page I learned one liked amusement parks, that she listened to punk rock and that the other loved Halloween and dining out. I often like to think that it’s a courtesy from God that we live to see the big events of our lives, but with one of these women dying days away from her wedding, it has me reconsidering this comic rule that I now sense I’ve made up.

Two weeks ago my hobby took a personal turn. The news that a high school friend had died came to me via a Facebook message. He had just returned to Iraq and for reasons unknown to me, committed suicide. When I logged on to find my newsfeed full of well-wishes from other high school friends, it was unreal, especially since we’d IM’d not long ago.

It appears no one knew his password so a message was left on his wall directing friends to a memorial page. Here, friends collected over the decades posted photos , memories, and video tributes. By joining the group I regularly received updates on services and was able to read his obituary from the local paper. Days after the funeral my newsfeed showed I could watch “highlights” from his hometown service. I admit, it was strange seeing someone my age lying in a coffin, someone who’d responded when I typed “Wassup?” into the IM box, but the funeral video finally make all the digital type about his death real.

I don’t know if I’m prepared for this new technological and untraditional reality of death. It used to be distant, something that happened to my parent’s friends or people I hadn’t spoken to in years, but now with the invention of Facebook I know about the major events in the life of anyone I’ve ever met-- even their dying, and sadly I’ve extended it to the death of strangers. So what happens to those pages of people who’ve died? Facebook does allow you to “memorialize” an account which removes sensitive information, but you must submit a news article or obituary, and that’s often not the family’s first priority, so for a brief window I get to glance into a budding life unfinished. In some ways the existence of a profile on a server somewhere makes if feel like they continue to life on, even if the “what’s on your mind?” is goes unanswered. It all seems a tragic tease, or is it a reminder that life often ends suddenly, when our last status update was what we ate for lunch.

A Harried Mom

2009-03-31T22:00:00.001-07:00

Body hair on a women does not bother me, especially if it’s my own body. Growing up I wasn’t allowed to shave until I turned fourteen, but here and there if my mom left out her razor I’d experiment, resulting in some scars on my shins. When I could finally shave I had the goal of removing every hair from my body in the hope they would never return, but they did, just darker and coarser and a new daily chore was born-- made harder by my Baltic ancestry. Then one night in an Italian discotheque that all changed. There was beautiful female bartender (I of course was not drinking) and when she lifted her arm in some Tom Cruise “Cocktail” move a spotlight hit her armpit- illuminating in all its glory, a patch of wiry hair. I was repulsed and mesmerized at the same time, but then it hit me- body hair has nothing to do with cleanliness, instead it’s strictly about culture. A perfect example of how culture dictates beauty, hygiene, and attraction. When I returned home I tried an experiment over the winter and let me hair grow out, my boyfriend (now husband) was not amused, but thus began a cycle. Ever winter I go a little au-natural and come spring, like the lambs grazing in green pastures- the razors, wax strips, tweezers, and depilatory creams come out and I get fully sheared. I think it’s funny that some women try so hard to go against the social grain by getting tattoos, piercings, or Mohawks when all you have to do is grow a little body hair and Americans- male and female alike, are suddenly up in arms. My friends, female body hair is the last great taboo in American culture and I’m living on the edge.

My Silly Regrets

2009-02-22T20:07:00.000-08:00

As another birthday looms closer, I find myself reflecting on my past in hopes that it will give me the wisdom to better navigate another year. I’ve always believed in living without regrets, but now I think they’re inevitable. Admittedly, mine are slight- I never missed the opportunity to marry the love of my life, murdered someone in cold blood (at least I wouldn’t admit that here or that would be truly regretful) or missed filling out a lotto ticket when I knew the winning number, but I still have a short list of things I feel remorse for:

1- That I didn’t dress sluttier when I was younger. In my early twenties I had an amazing body, but I never appreciated it and instead focused on its trivial flaws, never imagining it would bloom three sizes once I got married. Also, I never showed said body off, but instead hearkened to the bogus claims that I needed to be overly modest. Now I’m not saying I wanted to look like a $2 buck hussy, but maybe a strapless dress or cleavage flirting tank wouldn’t of been uncalled for—surely no man or rabid lesbian was going to haul me into the bushes for that and I think God would have appreciated me showing off the assets he created when they were still pointing ahead.

2- That I didn’t get more lovin’ when it was so wrong and felt so good. I also bought into the admonition that one shouldn’t have sex until marriage. Now I’m not saying you should go out and hump anything with goose-bumped flesh (especially before you’re an adult), but when you’ve been with someone for four years and you’re engaged, is some sex so deviant? And why when said fiancé touches your boobs two days before the ceremony should one feel compelled to run and tell his farmer neighbor turned bishop to ask for spiritual absolution? You may think, well, then is it regretful to only have had sex with one person? And I’d say no- I’m perfectly content to have sexually embarrassed myself in front of only one person.

3- That I married so young. Clearly regret number #2 lead to regret #3. I in no way feel remorse for who I married, just that due to the constraint of our culture we felt so obligated to marry before we’d even finished college. Sometimes I wonder about the opportunities I missed because decisions had to be made as a couple, but the flip side is that we enjoyed seven childless years where we traveled. I also would’ve enjoyed more of those single years when I was responsible for no one but myself, didn’t have to listen to snoring, and cherished that I alone could be the best company.

So those are the petty major three and what should I take from them as I enter into my 32nd year? I think Katherine Hepburn said it best, “If you obey the rules, you miss all the fun,” so this year I’m taking her advice and let’s see if this makes it a year without adding silly regrets.

A Mother and More

2009-02-18T12:32:00.000-08:00

Last year the cover of what many women consider to be the pregnancy bible, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” was updated. Gone is the matronly woman sitting in a rocking chair, book in hand, arm across pregnant belly, while she stares into the distance contemplating what is about to befall her. The book’s new cover has a standing longhaired woman dressed in hip pregnancy jeans, V-neck T-shirt, and she looks like well, me. What people fail to see when looking at this symbol of modern motherhood, is how complicated her world is.

As a graduate student in 2003, I spent a summer in New York doing a fellowship with the International Radio & Television Society which brought together thirty of the most promising students in the field of media. Now, five years later, I keep in touch with them through Facebook. They’ve gone on to work for network and cable television, high-profile ad agencies, even the United Nations and media law firms. What am I doing they ask? I’m a full-time mother. The only person in the group with children. After returning from the fellowship that summer, my husband and I were surprised to learn we were expecting. We were elated; we’d always wanted a family. I gave birth to our first son three weeks after graduating with my Master’s degree.
We both thought a parent should stay at home while our children were young, and I wanted to do it, plus my husband’s income was three times what I made. My career as a news producer was put on hold and I launched into motherhood, recently having a second child. I’ve now been at home four years and with all the messages I’m receiving about how to mother, run a household, and the demands on my time, I often feel overwhelmed.

I’m still the creative woman who likes to see her ideas put into motion and goals achieved, but now they deal more with the production of finger paintings than news images. Gone are the bonuses, recognition, and adult conversation about current events. I now spend long days at home, sometimes “dumbing” myself down to sing rounds of Itsy-Bitsy Spider or joining in to imagine the laundry basket as a pirate castle. My business attire is now a food smeared sweatshirt and loading the dishwasher a major part of my job description.

To add to the pressure, every time I stand in the checkout aisle, magazines tout the latest celebrity who had a baby and got back to her pre-pregnancy weight hours later. Daytime television tells me I should be able to keep my home immaculate and organized, decorate like a professional, make earrings out of pinecones, all while preparing a three course meal in 30 minutes, and making sure that I’m “green” when doing it.

Some days I cry along with the kids when I’ve reached my capacity for listening to whining about the temperature of chicken nuggets, found make-up smeared on my drapes, had my fifth call to come and wipe my four-year-olds bum, and the baby’s diaper has blown-out on his third outfit of the day. Then my loving husband has the audacity to come home and suggest the boys need a dog that I will inevitably end up caring for. It's then that I rethink my decision to be a "homemaker," a word I choke on whenever I say it.

To go to the playground, I have to get three people bathed and dressed, make sure my mini-van is packed with diapers, wipes, a bottle, snacks, water, sunscreen, changes of clothes, a blanket, hats, and a stroller. Once there, I have to navigate the mommy clichés and know that they’re judging me when having forgot the baby’s sunhat, he’s left exposed to the elements.

With experts urging women to have babies before they turn “high-risk” at age 35, my husband and I are contemplating when to have our third child, which is now the new status symbol in many parts of the country (and not why we’d have a third). I realize another child would delay me from going back into the workforce until I was in my 40’s and further stunt my earning power. But, despite the agony of being a stay-at-home mom and feeling like my brain isn’t as sharp as it used to be, that will be my choice because for all their trouble, my children make my life more valuable than any workplace position I could ever aspire to hold.

While what I’m doing doesn’t come with any corporate perks or awards, it’s a gamble I’m taking that it will benefit my children and give me some sort of lasting satisfaction. And there are those moments when my baby laughs or my preschooler says something outrageous that I’m glad I was there to hear it and for me, it makes my sacrifice worth it.

Late at night, after I’m done being super mom and adoring wife, you’ll hear a clicking noise in the dark. It’s me, at the dining room table typing away on the laptop trying to maintain any vestige of education and intelligence I once had in hopes that one day, I’ll be able to step back into a job I loved and instinctively knew how to do.

So, when you see the new cover of “What to Expect” at the bookstore, or the next time you see a mother like me out in “mom” jeans and a dirty T-shirt, know that she’s much more complex than she appears and one day, using the skills she learned being home, she may even be your boss.

Writing Them Off

2009-02-16T19:12:00.001-08:00

I no longer want to be a member of the LDS church. Period. I've known this for awhile, but I was thinking it might be a little more "fun" and point-making if I found a way to get myself excommunicated. Then friends pointed out to me that if I do this it would be on the LDS church's terms and they would get to pick the reason for my losing my membership and make me out to be a wild-eyed apostate. So, I'm back to writing a letter, especially in light of recent developments that I'll post shortly.

There's one catch--my celestial sex partner doesn't want me to. He wants to remain with the church though he's not your most devout member. He believes that if I write the letter, that will make him a target and it's better if we continue to live under the radar. He doesn't understand my need to end my relationship with the church because it's not like it factors into my life at this point.

I beg to differ. I think it will give me "closure"---how I hate that word, but for the first time in my life it's the only one that fits. At the age of eight I was deemed ready to join a church and with one letter I hope to undo a decision I wasn't mentally prepared to make at that age. Whenever people hear I'm from Utah they ask, "Are you Mormon?" I'd like to be able to say, "no" and know it's true.

The other things he points out is that it won't make a difference to the church if they get a letter from me. He's right, but from what I'm reading my letter won't be the only one they receive in the coming year---I think I'm at the beginning of a trend.

So, I'm waiting as I value my marriage and leaving the church just isn't worth the struggle right now. When Tommy Monson stands up in conference this April and brags about a membership of 13 million, just know it's minus 1.

Random Notes To Myself

2009-02-12T18:02:00.000-08:00

I'm going to try writing blog entries again, but to be honest, I don't have the time to proof them like I used to, so they're going to be sloppy. Also, I think I'm going to use this more as a "journal" since I'm so awful at actually writing in one, but the desire is there.

Lately things have been shitty, but in a weird way. My husband lost his job, but that in itself isn't so bad, except now he's home all day and I find that irritating. It's like he's my new co-worker---you know the one who has no idea what to do, so you give him direction and he yells he's "suffocating" and "your not my boss," before he goes back to playing on his Ipod while you do the dishes. I guess I expected that if he was going to be home, he'd do half the housework...not so far, but we're still renegotiating our roles.

Next shitty thing- politics. I like Obama, I want to see him succeed, I want this recession to end, but sometimes it seems that the Rush Limbaugh's of the world are everywhere. You don't have to agree with Obama, but why can't they just give him a chance, after all, their guy struck out? I guess I just get frustrated that it's not always clear what the best thing to do is.

Final shitty thing is that I'm bored. Probably why I'm sitting here typing tonight. It's been one of those days when I resent what my life is--cleaning house, cooking meals, raising children. It just seems so predictable and common at times.
I also need to finish my book, but it seems like lately I just don't have the energy. Instead I end up on Facebook measuring my life against everyone I've ever known. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be better off just not being on there, not knowing that so and so just got a Mercedes (always with photo included), that so and so is the relief society president and that their little Johnny is pulling all A's in school. Often I'll type out some shocking and untrue "status" to post, "Holy snot, I didn't know you were gay" or "Man, if I'd known you were running a prostitution ring out of your house," they'd respond. But I always chicken out, not wanting to ruin the image I've created of myself for them to compare against when they're bored.

My Change IN Behavior

2008-12-06T16:38:00.000-08:00

I thought I would bring this to your attention because if you're like me you've never thought about it. Today I had a student do a presentation on animal testing for cosmetics and I was surprised to see that MAC Cosmetics (my favorite), Covergirl, L'Oreal, Aveeno, etc all do animal testing because it's less expensive than doing non-animal testing and some other reasons. I double-checked her sources and she's right, these companies do test on animals! I thought I'd pass on this informative website and list (take with you when shopping) that shows companies that test on animals and those that don't so maybe we can make more informed choices when we purchase cosmetics/detergents/lotions. I was glad to see that Clinique, American Beauty (Khols), Aveda, Bath & Body Works, OPI, Bobbie Brown, Burt's Bees, Calgon, etc. do NOT do animal testing, so there are lots of alternatives.

http://search.caringconsumer.com/

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE to eat animals and understand animals tests for medical reasons, but I don't understand why we have to torture them just to test new cosmetics when there are other ways... especially because cheap CoverGirl eye shadow just isn't worth it.

Does Prop 8 Divide The Church?

2008-10-31T20:23:00.000-07:00

Recently I learned that my eighty-four year-old grandmother, who lives in California, has been standing out in the road holding a sign urging others to Vote "Yes" on Prop 8 which would eliminate the right of same-sex couples to marry. I haven't heard her voice in almost six-years, but she'd be the first to tell you that "Families Are Forever" even if in this life she's put almost zero effort into connecting with said family. Too many missions to serve, temples to volunteer at, relief society lessons to give she says.

In the past few weeks whenever I log onto my Facebook account, the headlines read things like, "Lisa joined the group: Vote Yes! on Prop 8" or someone's status will say, "Michael is a Mormon supporting Prop 8." I've even received personal e-mails asking me to join the effort or donate my time/money. Few and far between are those Mormon friends brave enough to say they aren't supporting Prop 8.

So, on which side of this debate do you fall and why? Can you be a "good" Mormon and not support Prop 8? If things don't go your way on November 4th, then what?

Should a Descendant of Cain Be President?

2008-10-14T13:19:00.002-07:00

Growing up in Utah, I learned the following things about blacks in Sunday School:

1- Blacks were less valiant in the War In Heaven
2- Blacks are descendants of Cain (who was an associate of Lucifer in the preexistence)
3- Blacks are cursed and not worthy of the priesthood (until 1978)

Luckily, those messages weren't reinforced at home because honestly, since there were only two black kids in my whole high school, it wasn't a big issue. Now I'm living in the South and at certain times, I'm the minority. Some of my favorite neighbors and co-workers are black, the man I want to vote for president is black, but should I be wary as clearly the color of their skin lets me know they are less valiant if I learned anything from my church lessons? What about you, what has the church taught you about race and how will that factor into your vote on election day? Can you believe LDS church teachings and still vote for Obama?

Does Excommunication Mean No Graduation?

2008-09-29T06:18:00.001-07:00

I read the blurb below from Paul Rolly in the Salt Lake Tribune this morning or go to www.sltrib.com/ci_10588062

"You might remember Chad Hardy, the young entrepreneur who got in trouble with the LDS Church for producing and distributing "Men on a Mission" calendars,
featuring pictures of bare-chested Mormon missionaries with expressions suggesting more than proselyting on their minds. Hardy was excommunicated for his indiscretion last July.
Now, it appears a second shoe has dropped. Having completed all his requirements for graduation from BYU, Hardy wondered why he hadn't received his diploma, Hardy wrote on a Web site often visited by fallen Mormons.
He discovered his graduation status had not been sent to the BYU records center and he should contact his adviser, who told him his diploma and records had a "nonacademic hold" on them and that he was to speak to the executive director of Student Academic & Advisement Services. She told Hardy he fulfilled all requirements for graduation and she had no other information, he wrote on his site.
He finally was told by an official that a letter was being drafted to explain to him the problem, the details of which he still doesn't know."

So good reader, if all this turns out to be accurate, do you think Chad Hardy should be unable to graduate from BYU since he was excommunicated?

You Needed A Census To Tell You This?

2008-09-23T13:47:00.000-07:00

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,700261062,00.html

Tell me, what other things do you think a Utah census would turn up?

Just In Case You Ever Want To See Your Membership Record

2008-09-18T16:32:00.000-07:00

Here's a screen print from the church's new MLS 2.9 system. (somewhere out there is a ward clerk not following the rules...) As you can read, members are not to have their own records. Why not?

One Of Many Things Wrong With The Church

2008-09-18T12:40:00.001-07:00

Some of my “friends” on Facebook just joined the “Mothers Who Know Support Julie Beck” group and I can only assume the “…militant, feminist, priesthood-coveting, church-within-a-church pseudosaints online who think motherhood is a curse,” they are referring to are those women who frequent the Feminism Mormon Housewives website. Here's the belief bonding those in that Facebook group together.

“Didn’t you just love President Julie B. Beck’s talk in the October ‘07 conference?

So did I! It was inspiring. Motherhood is a great blessing and opportunity, and mothers should be honoured and supported in their role.

But not everyone thinks so… and now Sister Beck is the object of their resentment.

Join this group to say a big “No thanks” to the militant, feminist, priesthood-coveting, church-within-a-church pseudosaints online who think motherhood is a curse, babies are accidents, fathers should be mothers, women should be men, babysitters and schools should be the mothers, et cetera, et cetera.
No, thank you. The word of God tells us otherwise.

Children still need mothers, even in modern times… and empowering women does not mean turning them into men.

God bless the mothers, and the mothers in spirit. Thank you, Sister Beck!

Put On Hold

2008-09-10T21:18:00.001-07:00

The biggest obstacle in my life has always been that there are only 24hours in a day. Recently, I've been filling too many of those hours with activities that didn't match up with my priorities. While writing is something I love, being a slave to the blog isn't as productive as say, finishing my book. I've just passed the three year mark and really, it's time to literally write the final chapter. So, this is good-bye for now, but I imagine from time to time I'll pop in to vent or reflect, after all, a blog is cheaper than therapy.

Party Pooper

2008-09-09T15:44:00.000-07:00

Today was my son’s third day of preschool and already he’s come home with a birthday party invitation. He was so excited to open the card because “Benny” (who?) had given it to him, but after reading it, it was actually “Madison” (who?) that was having the party. My sons didn't even know who she was. I admit to not being the most alert parent, but has something changed in birthday etiquette that I’m not aware of? It seems the last few parties he’s been invited to have been by kids we don’t know, but are in his Sunday school class or athletic lessons. In my day you were allowed to invite a handful of family and friends which usually meant you only sent cards to those you played with on a regular basis. Now it seems parents are sending out bulk invites to anyone their kid breaths on and the parties have grown from ten motley neighborhood kids to thirty acquaintances---hey, what is this, a Mormon wedding? Are "registered at _____" tags next?

Not only have the parties grown in size, but so have the presents. It used to be you could get away with buying a package of PlayDohs or a board book, then you wrapped them in whatever paper you could find the hall closet, but now they have to be this fancifully swathed creation ordered from the latest educational toy magazine. Then you have to endure watching the kid open thirty gifts, hoping the whole time that yours will meet the bar, and that your child doesn’t have a meltdown wondering why Johnny’s the only one getting presents. In addition, it seems like the kids, girl especially, have to be decked out like their headed to the Little Miss/Mr. Royalty Pageant afterwards- don’t these parents understand they will only wipe chocolate cake down the front of that pricey smock?

My other gripe from the invitation was its advertising yelling out, “a giant bounce house!, inflatable water slide!, a custom piñata!, and live entertainment!” Are a few games in the backyard no longer entertaining enough so you’ve got to bring in the state fair?

Well, needless to say my son won’t be RSVPing “yes” for this soiree, and the line that clinched it (written in third person beside her photo) was, “I’m having my fourth birthday party this coming Saturday (today is Tuesday). My parents forgot to send out invitations earlier and we really hope that _________(computer typed) can come.” Clearly, this is an important event.

Is Something Wrong With Me?

2008-09-07T21:26:00.000-07:00

I’m a mother of small children, a wife, a homemaker (of sorts), a college instructor (1 class), a regular community volunteer—and as all of these things, I find myself harried, overscheduled, and struggling to keep on top of everything. And now that Sarah Palin is on scene, well, I feel like a failure. Here’s a woman with five children- one going to Iraq, one about to get married and expecting a child, one a 5-month old special needs child (none of my children slept through the night at this age) and on top of all of this, she’s running for vice-president, has served as governor of her state, and been the mayor of Wasilla. Plus, somehow she finds the time to run every day, eat healthy, twist a fancy updo, and put on lipstick. Someone please, please tell me how she does it all? Even if her husband stays home, how do they do it? For the most part I stay home, but still there’s no way my husband would have the time to do all she’s doing. When I complained today to my celestial sex partner about not helping around the house more, he jokingly held up the recent Time Magazine with Palin’s photo on the cover and ran through the scenario I’ve just written. Is Sarah Palin the new standard at which women will be expected to perform? As if mothers weren’t already overworked and beating ourselves up over the illusion that we can have it all at once.

We Should Listen To Emily Post

2008-09-04T20:47:00.001-07:00

Today I was pumping gas at Costco when the attendant jumped out from behind the pump and tried to pitch me a store credit card. When I turned him down, he asked who I’d be voting for this November. Bold I thought, but I told him anyway , and when it didn’t match up with his pick, he launched into a diatribe about why my candidate was the wrong one. Now I suspect the guy’s job entails breathing in more gas fumes than recommended, so I gave him a pass, plus my kids were knocking on the window like caged animals so I didn’t have time for a debate. Later in the day I went to a doctor’s appointment and in the waiting room two women were sparring back and forth on their candidate choices, so I raised my magazine higher and tried to hide so I wouldn’t have to take a side. When I got home I read the blog of a friend who was talking about the election and couldn’t contain myself any more so I left some serious bloggeria on her page. (sorry about the mess Joanna)

My point being, this election is everywhere! It’s all people can talk about, it’s the only thing being analyzed on the news channels, it’s blanketing the web, even the tabloids have it on their front page. On one hand I applaud so many people being interested in who will govern this nation, but on the other, why can’t we keep our choice to ourselves? Why do we feel compelled to convince those around us that our choice is the right one? I’ll admit, I’m guilty of this, but when the gas station attendant tried to pigeon-hole me today, I realized that I’ve had enough. Doesn’t the etiquette that you don’t talk about politics or religion in polite company still apply? Oh Britney, please flash your vadge to the paparazzi again so we can go back to being shallow and instead of being angry at each other, we can have the old days where you were the nation’s voodoo doll obsession.

She's Doin' The Nasty With a Coach Bag

2008-09-03T19:14:00.000-07:00

***A special thanks to feministmormonhousewives.com for "publishing" some of my past entries. Look for more Celestial Sex posts on that site in the coming months***

In the past few weeks two of my friends have confessed to infidelity. To make it even worse, they’ve both been doing it at the mall. One of them was kind enough to spell out the details of a particularly sordid episode where she admitted to feeling a little low about herself on the day in question, which happens when you’re a woman like us- a mother who puts her children and husband first and who rarely gets the chance to dress up and go out all while watching your youth fade away in the vanity mirror. Plus, some days your kids are more than you can stand so you feel like rewarding yourself for not killing them—yet. So, you run out looking for a not-so-cheap thrill.

“Feeling bad about yourself happens,” I reassured her, “After awhile you start to wonder what’s happened to, well- you, and off to the mall you go looking for redemption only to find temptation. Before you know it, you’ve picked up a new toy, one you’ll put in the closet for a few weeks, then pull out and hope your husband doesn’t notice.” Unfortunately for me, I picked an opinionated metrosexual husband who notices such things. “Yes,” she agreed, “That’s how it started, except now I’m doing it all the time and it’s costing us a fortune. Jake (name change to protect the innocent) wonders why we can barely keep up with the mortgage.”

The experts call what she’s doing financial infidelity and maybe some of you will recognize that you've also got a cheating heart. My friend’s vice is designer bags, but she tells her husband they’re from Target, since he won’t know the difference and she pays all the bills so he doesn’t see those either. Now I’ve had financial affairs, but never with a big-ticket item because, well, I’m too cheap. My secret vice is buying overpriced European chocolate bars and eating them in my minivan before I have to go home and share, but they say chocolate is the gateway to more serious crimes, so I'm trying to stop...So, are you having a financial affair? With whom- Louie V, Versace, Coach? What advice do you give to friend who is stealing her family’s financial future for a fashion season of name-brand vachetta leather rubbing against the side of her chest?

Going To The Big House

2008-09-02T21:37:00.000-07:00

My celestial sex partner and I lead pathetic social lives and so we had no plans this Labor Day weekend. After scouring the newspaper for something to do, we decided to attend the annual home show on the other side of town. Of course the address listed lead us to a Frenchie-sounding neighborhood with a guard shack the size of our city rec. center and a fountain that could double as the community swimming pool. After giving our names and getting the evil-eye from the security guard, we were allowed to move our gypsy camp minivan to where we’d need to buy the overpriced tickets. (proceeds going to charity we rationalized)

I enjoy going to home shows and have gone to many through the years so I’ve noticed some similarities. First, why is it people visiting home shows think they have to be pretentious? I even saw one woman in a sequined top. If you have to buy a ticket to tour someone’s home, just know we won’t think you’re fancy no matter how much you talk on you cell phone and try to look like you’re being imposed upon--we all know you're there to covet like the rest of us.

Now the homes, they were magnificent feats of architecture and I came away with ideas we’re going to implement in our house. The first one we saw had four full kitchens, all outfitted with Viking appliances. I’ve decided we need to do the same thing, except we’ll put them in the kid’s rooms so they can start making their own meals and I’m just dying for more kitchens to clean. The other idea was from the white marble bathroom that had a coffee/cappuccino bar with a fridge hidden in the cabinetry. So, I’m going to move the crock pot onto my bathroom vanity so I can get dinner going while I curl my hair and I’m going to get the minifridge I saw at Costco so my Mormon coffee (Diet Coke) is waiting for me every morning. My CSP pointed out that it’s probably best not to have food/drink nearby when he does his business, so I’ll have to encourage him to use the fan more often.

Overall, we left knowing we’d never make it as “rich” people, but the next morning I did feel a little more motivated to get up and clean the house.

Racism

2008-08-31T21:49:00.000-07:00

Growing up in Utah I rarely encountered racism as our area was so white, there was no one except women to be prejudice against. In my 20's I lived in the liberal northeast where I was again blind to racism as there was too much diversity and openmindedness to single anyone out. Presently, I'm living in the South and my eyes have been opened and now I see what I've only heard about and thought long dead.

I met with a faculty colleague this week who told me stories of students refusing to take her courses after they arrived and saw she was black. Then today, I got talking outside with my neighbor who said he was reluctantly voting for McCain because when it came down to it, "I just can't bring myself to vote for a black man." This said as the neighbors behind us, who are black, sat on their back patio enjoying a holiday weekend with their extended family. I prayed they hadn't heard him as I now understood why his daughter doesn't go outside when their children are out playing with mine. How can you slur such a beautiful family because of their skin color? (For full disclosure, my neighbor is Asian). The worst part is my mother-in-law won't vote for Obama, which is fine and she gives several reasons why, except my husband and I agree that the largest part of it is because he's black and I suspect she still hasn't gotten over blacks being "cursed."

I'm encouraged that a black man stands to gain the presidency of this country, but his candidacy is uncovering an ugliness that has long been hiding behind the fake pleasantries of suburbia. It is my hope that in my lifetime, I will see a day when this country can leave behind its obsession with color and concentrate its efforts on issues that will lift us all up, no matter our race.

Of Good Report AND Praiseworthy

2008-08-30T22:20:00.000-07:00

I'm still trying to loose the weight put on with my last pregnancy, but admittedly I'm awful at diets. Recently while shopping at Costco, I bought an industrial-sized box of Fiber One Oats & Chocolate Chewy Bars and I won't deny I was swayed by the "Best Life" logo on the box. (This is the diet program Oprah's health guru Bob Greene developed) I don't know how these bars are that great for you--they have corn syrup in them, but they taste like a bar made from Samoa Girl Scout cookies and in my mind, that's a taste from heaven.

Well Golly Gee

2008-08-29T18:46:00.000-07:00

I heard an interesting story the other day. It seems a woman has been going around to wards in the Ogden, UT, area and towards the end of sacrament meeting she goes up to the pulpit and launches into a lecture on how people use “Golly,” “Gosh,” and “Geez” too much. I have a feeling Napoleon Dynamite is not her favorite film. Most likely she needs some help from LDS services, or she’s confused and thinks the Sunday for testimony meeting varies from ward to ward, but my hat’s off to her as surveys repeatedly show that people fear public speaking more than death and she’s apparently the exception. Somehow, someone got a picture of her and it’s been sent to area bishops along with a letter explaining the situation. This got me wondering, have other such photos of troublemakers gone out to bishops, and is my photo hanging in a church office somewhere? Maybe that’s why I was escorted from Gospel Doctrine the last time I tried to attend, or maybe it’s because I tried to ask a question.

Come Out Tonight and Dance By The Light of the Moon

2008-08-28T08:51:00.000-07:00

My favorite holiday has always been Halloween and each year I look forward to the costume catalogs arriving in my mailbox. The catalog I’ve ordered my kids animal costumes from for the last four years arrived today and without looking, I tossed it into the backseat of the van, telling them to pick one out as I drove the family bus. I could tell from my oldest son’s silly comments that I’d made a rookie parent mistake. When we got home I grabbed the catalog and quickly thumbed through it. The first ten pages were the cute kiddie costumes I adore, but the following pages looked like a mailer you’d get from a sex shop.

It seems that in the years I’ve been fawning over Tom Arma© skunk costumes, and trying to find the perfect tights to match a spider hat, adults costumes have taken their cue from porn stars. Since when is it appropriate to wear a French Maid costume to work? Apparently at Halloween as last year we took the folks to our favorite local family restaurant only to find the waitresses trying to pass off fishnets and handcuffs as part of their annual costume contest. When they came around for our table’s votes, my celestial sex partner and my dad were all too happy to vote for the one with the most cleavage spilling out of her Cinderella dress. And from looking at the catalog it seems every career uniform has been sexualize in some way--teachers, nurses, Jane Jetson, even the Statue of Liberty! Plus, what mom wouldn't want to dress up as a "Supa Pimp Mama" to give out candy?

I miss the old days when Halloween was about getting to be that person/thing you’d secretly always wanted to be (and no, a harlot doesn’t count), staying out late on a weeknight, and seeing who could fill up a whole pillow case with candy. Now it seems to be about what everything else seems to be about- sex. So this year after I've donned my usual witch’s hat and velvet dress, I’ll get a good laugh when my celestial sex partner comes out in the new “Hottie Soottie” kilt I've ordered since he's so eager to embrace a sexier Halloween.

When a "Man Town" Turns Into a City

2008-08-27T11:19:00.000-07:00

In American culture there exists a phenomenon called the “Man Town” or “Man Cave” that often takes the form of an office, den, garage, or media room. My household is no exception as my celestial sex partner has a room of his own where he's picked all of the décor and can do those things that interest just him, i.e. video games. This is also true for my parent’s house where my dad has an office, junk-stuffed garage, a shed even more packed, and a greenhouse- same for my grandfather, same for my brothers-in-law. Recently I’ve noticed these Man Towns have a tendency to populate, leading to an urban sprawl that spills over into other rooms. Am I alone in my observation? I know a few female friends who have their own rooms, usually for crafts and scrapbooking, but by and large, it’s usually the men who have their own space to lounge. Why do you think this is? Could it be some holdover from the 60’s? Do women not feel they are deserving of such a space, and when a new baby comes, why is it their space that is most likely to be sacrificed?

By The Numbers

2008-08-26T08:33:00.000-07:00

My celestial sex partner and I had an interesting discussion the other night after I read an article about how the world’s population will be nearing 7 BILLION in 2011, and is projected to reach 9 BILLION by 2042. Neither of us are great at math and were couldn’t get the calculator to work with those numbers, but we were wondering if there is approx 13 MILLION active LDS by the time the earth’s population reaches 7 BILLION, what percentage of the earth’s inhabitants will be Mormon? Anyone out there able to figure that out? We decided on 13 million LDS as that’s the current number given and we know not all of those are active members.

These numbers gave rise to a few questions we debated:
1- At the rate LDS missionary work is going and the population is growing, approximately how long will it take to reach all of the earth’s inhabitants with the church’s message?
2- If God wants us all to accept Mormonism as the earth’s true faith, then why are so few of the earth inhabitants members?
3- If God is as powerful as they say, then why is it taking so long for his message to get out to people? Why not use a more efficient means than missionaries?
4- We often hear from the pulpit that not all members will make it to the celestial kingdom, so with membership being so small when compared to the earth’s population, why are so few going to make it back to God’s presence if he loves us?

Do you have any of the answers, if so, please share!

Boys Will Be Boys

2008-08-24T19:47:00.000-07:00

As we’ve gotten into our thirties, I’ve noticed the men in our age group have gotten more outwardly competitive. It seems that if my celestial sex partner gets a new piece of yard equipment, a week later our 30-something neighbor has the same thing or better, if my celestial sex partner has a male co-worker who gets a new techno gadget, a day later he begs for the same whistle and bell. I’ve always seen woman as being competitive with each other, but now I think the men are worse. Don’t believe me? Our ward is chock-full of 30-something couples and today he came home with an elder’s quorum “invitation” (in Mormondom this means a photocopied piece of white paper) to an adult pinewood derby. As if it wasn’t bad enough to vicariously compete through your sons when they hit this annual rite of passage, now the men have decided to just outright slug it out on the mock track. The best part of the invitation was this sentence, “Light refreshments will be served for your munching enjoyment so please sign up to bring a favorite snack or dessert.” That’s Mormon hospitality for you, here’s what will be served and you’re going to bring it, of course this is male code for, “what your wife should prepare” as let’s get real, how often does the male partner of a relationship actually worry about the food for an event? Nope, they’re too worried about their derby car weighing in at five ounces. And yeah, our car is going to kick your car’s ass.

Of Good Report AND Praiseworthy

2008-08-24T16:06:00.000-07:00

Every Sunday to get out of writing a full blog entry, I recommend a product or idea that I've found helpful in my life. While thumbing through a magazine yesterday, I was reminded of an item that I rarely think about, but it sure makes my sex life a whole lot better and few American women use it. It's the IUD and if you've had a baby and haven't tried it afterwards, then you're missing out! I love mine so much that when the doctor took it out so I could get pregnant with our second child, I told him I wanted to keep it as a necklace charm I loved it so much. It's over 99.8 percent effective (higher than sterlization), completely reversible, and once it's in, you don't even know it's there. So, if you're tired of the werewolf effects of birth control or other hormone methods (my IUD is nonhormonal) and you're a mom like me who can't ever remember all her kids names, let alone remember to take a pill, then try an IUD and free your mind of one more hassle. Your celestial sex partner will thank you for it!

Cain Or One Of The Three Nephites Exits Mortality?

2008-08-15T08:56:00.001-07:00

For those who read my earlier post on connections between Mormonism, Bigfoot, Cain, and the Three Nephites. Here's a tantalizing update from The New York Times if you want to be the life of the party in gospel doctrine class this Sunday. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/15/us/15bigfoot.html?em

My guess, this is a big hoax for a couple of rednecks to drum up some business. They're holding a press conference today a noon PST to offer up more photos and DNA. If I'm wrong about this being a marketing scheme, and it is Bigfoot, well, I'll eat those entrails sitting on Bigfoot's tummy.

Inked and thus Unemployable, Inked and thus Mortal

2008-08-14T20:05:00.000-07:00

Bountiful, Utah, a city preferred by the Mormon elite, has passed a new policy whereby anyone with a visible tattoo will not be able to work for the city (there is a grandfather clause for those already hired). While I personally don’t care for tattoos, I don’t think anyone should be passed over for being mayor, garbage man, tax collector or city manager just because they have “I love my mom” tattooed on their lower arm (though anything offensive would be an exception). Members of the inking community say this policy will never stand up in court and I have to agree. It is free speech. What do you think?

Recently I’ve noticed tattoos on several people I know to be faithful LDS and I have to admit it makes them more intriguing to me as a little ink is a clear sign that at some point in their lives they’ve gone against the norm. (Check out the guy with the LDS prophet tattoos below) While on a playdate last week I looked down and noticed one of the mothers, the most staunch in the group, had a tat on her ankle. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to ask her about it, but the best story behind a tattoo I’ve heard was from a friend who got his while serving a mission. He said it was like a symbol of himself fighting to survive beneath the suit of missionary monotony. While President Hinckley described tattoos as “graffiti on the temple of the body,” it seems some members have no problem tagging themselves, except for those already living in the celestial kingdom of Bountiful who’ve decided they can’t be paying their water bill to woman with a butterfly on her neck.

Do you have a tattoo? If so, what it is and why did you get it? Would you ever get one and if so, what would it be? What is your perception of a person with a tattoo?

When Should Childhood Nudity Stop?

2008-08-12T17:18:00.000-07:00

As mentioned in an earlier post, I attended a family reunion last week and got to be in the presence of the one man in American who knows everything. My brother-in-law, who is a seminary principal, is certain he has everything figured out and he’s more than happy to dispense his wisdom to whoever is within range of his voice. Never mind that his education is from the University of Phoenix and the farthest he’s ever traveled is to West Coast on a mission. When one of my baby’s was undergoing a life threatening surgery, he had the audacity to e-mail that we should do his baby blessing immediately so he wouldn’t die, not something any mother wants to hear at that stressful moment. I don’t think anyone has ever said something to make me angrier, but at my celestial sex partner’s request I kept a lid on my fury.

So, when we saw him at the family reunion it was a given that he’d say something infuriating or just plain stupid. My baby (who remains unblessed, but survived) has been suffering from heat rash and being outside during the family reunion wasn’t helping so I removed all of his clothes except for his diaper while we say in the shade.“Whoa, get some clothes on that baby!” He said and my husband and I laughed thinking he was joking. Problem was, he wasn’t. He went on, “The other day my neighbor’s son, Ezra, was out playing with a hose- they’re Bible freaks, anyway the kid was nude. I mean the kid is two (he holds his fingers up), TWO,” he spits. “So I pulled up and told his dad to get some clothes on that kid. You just can’t let your kids run around naked, there’s gotta be a cut off,” he said.

My CSP and I spoke that unspoken marital language with our eyes and we both agreed he was an idiot. Our silence made him uncomfortable, which I enjoyed. Earlier that week I’d let my four-year-old swim in the backyard kiddie pool naked because the baby was already in it, nude I might add, and I couldn’t leave him alone to go upstairs and get my older child's swimsuit, plus I didn't really care. I’d won't let him go in the front yard like that, but when he was two I saw no problem with it if the occasion arose.

What do you think, are nude kids something to be chastised over? Where do you think the age “cut off” is for public childhood nudity?

An Open Letter to Sister B. Beck

2008-08-10T22:50:00.000-07:00

I consider myself a feminist, but I’ll be the first to tell you the present definition of that term is murky. Basically, I believe women, like all people, should be free to make the decisions that will make their lives fulfilling while I realize there are systems of oppression in place that can sometimes make this difficult and cause women to think they have autonomy when they don’t.

I read your conference talk back in the fall of ’07, and had a mixed reaction because while I agreed with some of your points, your words lessened the support of women choosing to use their free agency in a way different than yourself. Now, due to the recent Sunstone panel discussion, the controversy has been revived.
(Readers, here it is if you need a refresher: http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=2a4826cb31cf5110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&hideNav=1)

Below are my thoughts on three of your “mothers who know” points and I feel qualified to make them as a woman with advanced education that had a successful career in a male dominated industry which I temporarily gave up to be a stay-at-home mother who now struggles to maintain my sanity/identity while being criticized as a heretic by the church and a traitor by the radical feminists.

First off, the title, “Mothers Who Know,” implies that those mothers who don’t fulfill the role as you’re advocating aren’t “in the know” and therefore are lesser mothers. Why must women be continually pitted against one another, by one another?

Mothers Who Know Bear Children
While I agree with the statement that “children…are our greatest jewels,” I disagree that “faithful daughters of God bear children” and that “young couples should not postpone having children.” Furthermore, the statement that children are “becoming less valued” in many cultures in the world couldn’t be more false.

Having children isn’t for everyone and wouldn’t the world be a better place if those awful mothers who leave their kids in a hot car to die while they buy meth knew that before having those children? In a world made up of individual preference, bearing children will not be the goal for every woman and it’s the smart women who know where their interests lie and don’t feel obligated to do the things that simply don’t interest them. Think of how great this world would be if there were no unwanted children and no guilty mothers?

Sister Beck, young couples should postpone having children to a certain point if they choose, especially in a religion where many marry at an age below the national average. My husband and I waited seven years to begin having children because we wanted to ensure that we knew who we were and what we wanted as individuals, that our marriage would be an eternal success, and that we had both received a full education that lead us to financial stability. By not waiting to have children until after you’ve received an education or discovered yourself as an individual, the risk is high that these women will never do either of those things leading to problems later in life. Time and time again research shows that a mother who is educated elevates her chances of being successful in raising intelligent and happy children (read the book Freakonomics for some statistics) and she herself will have a more fulfilling life.

Lastly, we do exist in a time where couples are having fewer children but this doesn’t mean that choice is being made because children are “becoming less valued.” If anything, parents make that decision because their children are highly valued and they want to ensure they have the means (temporal and spiritual) available to raise their offspring as they deem best. We are no longer an agricultural society that needs large families, instead we have modern economic constraints and time pressures that force us to evaluate as parenting partners how our resources are best spent on the number of children we’re comfortable with. It’s what YOU decide and no one should see it as a sign of how much you value your children whether they be 1, 15, or like you, 3.

Mothers Who Know Honor Sacred Ordinances and Covenants
Sister Beck, there was only one sentence in this section I found objectionable. “They bring daughters in clean and ironed dresses with hair brushed to perfection; their sons wear white shirts and ties and have missionary haircuts.” Really? This should be my priority as a mother? Is it yours? When I help get the kids ready for church I’m lucky if I can convince them to have matching socks let alone worry their hair isn’t standing on end. And the term “perfection” is a standard women have been battling against for ages—can you really brush hair to such benevolence? Also, you pointed out the boys were dressed in WHITE shirts and had MISSIONARY haircuts- that irked me. This goes back to my earlier post on Cyborg Children, must even our children conform in their dress? What of that ten year old boy who wants the “shaggy” cut his classmates are wearing, must a “mother who knows” quash such rebellion to meet your standard and risk a larger mutiny later?

Mothers Who Know Are Nurturers
Okay Sister Beck, this is where I got mad and signed the “Women Who Know” petition. These two sentences set women in the church back decades, “Another word for nurturing is homemaking. Homemaking includes cooking, washing clothes and dishes, and keeping an orderly home. Home is where women have the most power and influence; therefore, Latter-day Saint women should be the best homemakers in the world.” I looked up nurturing in both the thesaurus and dictionary and nowhere did I see the term “homemaking.” I did find develop, education, strengthen and nourish and all are done in my home without me being the best cook, laundress, dishwasher, and organizer in the world. In fact, I don’t enjoy doing any of those chores because throughout history they were “women’s work” and I’d like to think we’ve evolved to where it’s everyone’s work, including my husband's. He claims you turned in a talk to the General Authorities that said the brethren should do more work around the house and you were surprised by what came up on the teleprompter instead, how much better than would make me feel.

Lastly Sister Beck, if you think home is where I have the most power and influence, then you’re right, but get me in a board room lady and you’ll see that same power and influence. That’s right, there are Mormon women who can rule in both worlds and do it without being the “best homemaker in the world.” All women should be free to choose what makes them happy and not feel guilty about that happiness, no matter how it comes. And that Sister Beck, is what I know.

Your Thoughts?

2008-08-09T22:03:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite topics so I couldn't pass it up over the weekend. This past Friday at the Sunstone Symposium they had panel called, "Mormon Motherhood: Choice or Destiny?" and it was mostly a discussion on Julie Beck's General Conference talk, "Mothers Who Know." http://deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,700249373,00.html?pg=1 Your "homework assignment" for the weekend is to read this Des. New article about it. Here's one of the responses the article garnered, what do you think about it? On Monday I'll post my thoughts on the whole debacle, including something a little surprising.

I sustain Sister Beck 3:54 p.m. Aug. 8, 2008
Let's get one thing clear here... The LDS church is not a democracy. If you have a problem with the doctine either get over it or leave, it's that simple. The doctrine of the church comes from God, not from men, so who are men (and women) to question the authority and doctrines of God? Come on people! You can argue and 'discuss' all you want, but that will never change the facts or the church's stand on issues. Sister Beck's talk was inspired and would not have been allowed in conference if it was not directly in line with the church's teachings. I find it interesting that a mere 500 women who have taken issue with this talk are getting such media coverage when there are over 5 or 6 million women in the church and the rest of us were uplifted by this talk and grateful to hear it.

Of Good Report AND Praiseworthy

2008-08-09T19:40:00.000-07:00

Every Sunday to get out of writing a full blog entry, I write about a product I use and have found to be of "good report and praiseworthy." This week I want to tell you about a Salt Lake City business called So Cupcake www.socupcake.com I realize most of my readers are outside of Utah, but knowing that most of you do/will visit Salt Lake City sometime in your life, I'm hoping you'll support this local business at 3939 S. Highland Drive.

It's only been open five months and was inspired by Celina, a young girl living with cerebral palsy who wanted to open a cupcake shop with her parents help. While in SLC this week, and upon the urging of my sisters who are always on top of Utah trends, I visited So Cupcake where I was delighted to find an array of flavors topped with fanciful frostings and tasty embellishments. You must try the German Chocolate, Lemon, Coconut, and Red Velvet. So, the next time you're in town, support a dream and make your mouth happy.

Do Families Have To Be Forever?

2008-08-07T23:14:00.000-07:00

Forgive me if this reads like a jumble, but I’m exhausted from a week of reuniting with family. Sometimes I wonder why we subject ourselves to the yearly ritual of traveling to meet with obscure relatives only to melt in the sun and hear Uncle Udell tell the same stories he told last year (while wearing a powder blue leisure suit). It seems that Utah family reunions have a pattern of sorts- first, homemade root beer must be served, second, a quilt or some sewing/craft project will be performed, third, undecipherable genealogy sheets or journal copies should be passed around, lastly, someone must say something that launches a dispute that will last until the next family reunion. (More on this tomorrow)

My fraternal grandmother, who may hold the record for most LDS missions served, has not picked up the phone in almost a decade to call me. Instead, she prefers to send yearly notes (sometimes partially photocopied) lamenting how she’s just so busy with the church to fly two hours to visit or even call. I didn’t make it out to my fraternal reunion, but this year my grandmother remarked to my mom that she couldn’t ever connect with me and my sisters because we “like to shop and she doesn’t.” When my mom relayed her words I realized how little she knows us because shopping is not something we’ve ever spent much time doing. I find it ironic that here this woman is serving constant missions/callings so she can teach people what she believes is needed for them to have eternal families, and she's always spouting off about how important her "forever family" is, yet she’s neglected us here on earth for decades.

While family reunions can be fun, there always seems to be those relatives who leave me asking, “Do families have to be forever?”

Deciding Eternity In A Day

2008-08-05T21:01:00.000-07:00

My little sister’s BFF just returned from a mission, met a guy, and on Sunday after three months of dating, they announced they were engaged. This left me stunned, more so when she asked my parents if she could have the reception in their yard on October 3rd—the couple will have known each other less than six months by then. In the Mormon faith we consider marriage to not just be for life, but for ETERNITY…yet we have some of the shortest engagements and marriage counseling isn’t a prerequisite. This doesn’t make sense to me, what do you think? (Full disclosure: I dated my Celestial Sex Partner for 6 months/wrote on his mission 2 years/ dated another year, engaged 6 months and somehow we didn’t have sex before marriage).

Tonight was supposed to be the marriage of an acquaintance but it was called off five days before the temple ceremony. I was callous enough to inquire why and learned the bride had uncovered a trail of lies when it came time to get an apartment and make joint credit purchases. And you guessed it, they’d only been dating a few months before the engagement.

For those of you who read the earlier post "Beware of Men Who Don't Just Grow Beards, They Marry Them." That wedding was supposed to take place this month, but has been postponed until October. I’ve decided to mind my business and hope his bride will realize she’s hitching her wagon to an experienced gay ox that will only pull her away from the life she’s envisioned.

While I applaud the church’s emphasis on marriage, it would be nice if the younger generation took more time in choosing an eternal companion than they did when deciding on a new car, at least with a car you have to get a credit check.

To my CSP, happy anniversary and thanks for choosing this eccentric Molly to rock your world for the last fourteen years!

Your Thoughts

2008-08-04T06:58:00.000-07:00

On August 2nd in the Mormon Times they reprinted a talk given by Dallin Oaks in 1985 and added some of his reflections on it being as relevant today as it was then. There were several good points in the talk, but one paragraph was a little unsettling for me. What do you think?

***Elder Oaks' 1985 talk also contained the caution that "criticism is particularly objectionable when it is directed toward church authorities, general or local. " "Evil speaking of the Lord’s anointed is in a class by itself. It is one thing to depreciate a person who exercises corporate power or even government power. It is quite another thing to criticize or depreciate a person for the performance of an office to which he or she has been called of God. It does not matter that the criticism is true."***

Cyborg Children

2008-08-03T21:56:00.001-07:00

Today I went to fast and testimony meeting because a family member was blessing their baby. When the bishop opened the floor to testimonies, there was a flood of young children that leaped toward the stand and I was appalled by how many of them followed the same script. Here it is in case you haven't been in awhile:

I KNOW this church is true, I KNOW Thomas S. Monson is the TRUE prophet, I KNOW that if I am righteous in this life I will be with my family in heaven.

Every child out of the eight that got up used these three phrases with the emphasis as highlighted. My son also wanted to go up and I asked him what he wanted to say, he said, "Jesus is really, really, funny." So of course I urged him to go up while my celestial sex partner begged him to stay sitting quietly.

It's been awhile since I've been to a FT meeting, so these children's testimonies didn't sound as childlike and from the hip as they used to, instead thoughts of what I'd read about education in Communist China and the Hitler Youth ran through my head. How can a child that's eight KNOW anything? Why the emphasis on Monson being the TRUE prophet? Can a child that age understand the meaning of the word righteous and the idea of not being with their family for eternity if they don't follow the LDS church's definition of the word?

I had hoped that attending FT meeting would leave me longing to return, and instead it left me, well, scared to send my son back to primary next week.

Is It Just Me?

2008-07-30T18:51:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in an earlier post I’ve become a Facebook addict and have now reached the milestone of one hundred “friends.” (Somebody toot a horn) Most of these are people I knew over a decade ago while growing up in Utah and back then I was your unoriginal “Molly” and I’d dare say only a handful of people in my peer circle were not Mormon. As you know from this blog, that all changed for me after I started working for the church. So, imagine my surprise when I reconnected with people from the past and started to realize a trend—many of them have also become inactive or left the church all together. Today was the biggest shocker when I was “friended” by a kid who was on seminary council with me and was perhaps the most devout Mormon peer I had, but has now listed himself as “agnostic” on Facebook. Another of my reacquainted friends served a mission but according to his profile/photos, is now a big fan of recreational drugs and alcohol (which was sad to read/see). It also seems that recently my celestial sex partner and I have had several friends who we’ve met as we moved that are “coming out” as no longer being believers in the church.

Now this doesn’t mean the church isn’t true- it could have something to do with my generation and the life stage we’re all at, or the area we all grew up in (small SLC/Ogden suburb), the availability of information on the internet, the world being more evil now, we’re getting close to the last days and people are choosing sides, etc. Or, I could be witnessing a trend in church membership with people who have demographics similar to mine.
What do you think? And if there is a trend, how should the LDS church go about stopping this loss of members? What would bring you back if you’ve left?

The Game of Home Teacher Torture

2008-07-29T22:55:00.000-07:00

I’m passive-aggressive when it comes to our home teachers. The sisters in the ward gave up on me last year after a once a week letter campaign never bore fruit (my oldest child thought the homemade cards were from grandma and I had fun making up messages since he can't read). So after that failure, the ward sent in the heavy hitters. Now we have home teachers that are members of the Elder Quorum presidency. The two men have yet to visit us as a pair, which works for me because one of them I enjoy debating because he can keep it civil, while the other is just goose stepping his way to the celestial kingdom. The only thing I don’t like about the situation is that my celestial sex partner never remembers they are coming so they always catch us doing the random things couples do on a Sunday night when their small children have gone to bed. Who are these men that spend three hours at church, go to whatever meetings (which I thought weren’t supposed to be on Sunday), and then want to visit us?

The home teacher I’ll actually be present for says he’s fascinated by our “good” marriage because we’re such opposites when it comes to the church, (Translation: If this chick were my wife I'd be outta here!) What he fails to realize is that in this country many marriages are made up of mixed religions, you just have to practice tolerance, communication, and let the other person be who they are. The other reason I get a kick out of this home teacher is that he asks lots of questions which inevitably lead to answers that make his bum cheeks tense and his eyebrows jump. Now that’s my idea of fun and I think my CSP finds it entertaining too. Last month the HT asked why I didn’t go to church. I told him I was testing out the “at home church” pilot program and that so far, I was getting better results than when I sat in the pews. So please Bishop _________ keep the home teachers coming, otherwise we’ll be stuck watching reruns or playing Uno on Sunday nights.

American Idol Comes To Utah

2008-07-29T20:48:00.000-07:00

Today American Idol auditions were held in Utah. I'm sad to report I'm now at the age where I don't even know anybody young enough to try out. What I'm most curious about is how the producers will "cast" Salt Lake City. Here are my guesses for what you can expect to see when the show airs the SLC castings.

1- Someone will sing a hymn
2- There will be a girl in polygamy dress
3- A missionary moment- either a testimony being bore or some young fool in missionary dress
4- Lots of color treated hair- skunk stripe highlights, "melts" (my youngest sister is currently sport such a doo), and low-lights
5- Puppets, they can perform at more than family nights
6- Singing siblings, growing up it seemed like there were lots of singing families
7- A whole lotta talent because Utah places great emphasis on having some

What are your guesses?

Your Reaction?

2008-07-27T17:58:00.000-07:00

To refresh your memory, Professor Jeffrey Nielsen wrote an op-ed two years ago taking a stance opposing the LDS church's statement on gay marriage which led to the end of his career at BYU. Please leave your reaction to his words.

Open Letter to California Mormons
Jeffrey S. Nielsen

I am a member of the Mormon Church, a married heterosexual, and a supporter of marriage equality for gay and lesbian couples. I am asking you to pause and give sincere thought to the letter from our religious leaders you have heard read, or will soon hear read, over our church pulpits asking you to get involved and oppose marriage equality in California. Please think deeply about this, not only as a member of a particular church, but also as a citizen of a democracy.

To press for an amendment to a civil constitution that would legalize discrimination against an entire class of people is no small matter, but of the greatest significance. When the argument, no matter how well intentioned, is based solely upon a religious proclamation; then, I believe, it is a serious contradiction of the wisdom of our founding fathers. It also does tremendous damage to the great progress in civil rights we’ve made in our country respecting the equal dignity of each person and towards a more certain legal equality for all citizens.

You should also know, not all faithful Mormons agree with our religious leaders’ encroachment into political matters. In fact, a growing number of active Mormons, who have gay friends and family members, are coming to the conclusion that our current leaders are as mistaken in promoting discrimination against gays and lesbians as was the Mormon hierarchy in the 60’s when they opposed equal rights for people of color, and our Mormon leaders in the 70’s when they opposed full legal equality for women.

Of course, religious authorities of any denomination possess the right, and may claim the legitimacy, to set the theology and policy for their religious community. When they; however, attempt to interject religious doctrine into the public spaces of a diverse democracy without reasonable justification, then members, especially faithful members, of that religious organization have the civic responsibility to express public disapproval of such dangerous and undemocratic behavior.

No one is asking that you condone a behavior that might violate your religious faith, but we need to allow everyone the freedom to live their life as they see fit, so long as it does not physically harm another person. After all, religious values must be something an individual freely chooses, not something forced upon him or her by the state. We should never allow our constitutions, whether state or federal, to become weapons in a crusade to impose a particular religious value system upon a pluralistic democracy. Today it might be a particular religious value that we affirm, but tomorrow it might be a religious system, which would seek to legislate against our own sincere beliefs. So now is the time to take a stand and keep separate civil and religious authority.

I do not believe that people choose their sexual orientation any more than they choose their skin color or gender. So to discriminate and deny them equal protection and equal opportunity under civil law because of these natural traits; especially in this case, sexual orientation, is grossly unfair and should be rejected outright in a compassionate and just democracy. If anyone could give me a single reasonable argument against marriage equality in our civil society, which doesn’t make fallacious appeals to tradition, misplaced appeals to religious authority, or make some ridiculous claim about nonhuman animals, then I would like to hear it. So far, no one has been able to present me with even a single justifiable reason.

You should know that like you, family and marriage are very important to me. As I have become acquainted with gay and lesbian couples, I have been touched by their goodness, sincerity, and commitment. I am persuaded that allowing marriage equality would, in fact, strengthen the institutions of family and marriage in our country. Perhaps it might even make all of us a little more considerate and responsible as both marriage partners and parents. I can only hope that the citizens of California, and my fellow Mormons, will possess the wisdom and moral decency to reject the call to discriminate against our gay and lesbian coworkers, friends, neighbors, church members, and family.

Of Good Report AND Praiseworthy

2008-07-26T21:30:00.000-07:00

Like most Americans I'm a pizza connoisseur, so much so that in 2004 I journey to Antica Pizzeria Port’Alba in Naples which is considered the world's first pizzaria. While the pizza there was rustic and flavorful, it still didn't beat out my favorite- The Pie Pizzaria, located in the basement of the University Pharmacy near the University of Utah. However, for the last few months I've found myself drawn to two offerings from Papa Murphy's- the Gourmet Chicken Bacon Artichoke Delite or the Chicken Mediterranean Delite. If you haven't tried these yet, you're missing out! Please let me know what pizzas of "good report" you've found at home or in your travels.

Hairplugs & Heartstrings

2008-07-26T07:04:00.001-07:00

My family with a greater love for church and cheese than I spent last evening at the Mo' Tab & Osmonds concert. When you're filled with the spirit does you face have to take on that fake smile--what do you think David Archuleta? Growing up I thought Marie was beautiful, but now as an adult I think she's sadly strange. I've met Donnie and in person his face and hair have had more retreads than a diesel tire, but he was a nice man. Thanks for fifty years of representing Mormonism, now please go away. The Osmonds are headed to Vegas for a permanent show, click on this pic and you'll see Donnie already looks like Wayne Newton. Who do you think will be the next Mormon entertainment dynasty to last more than a decade?

It's Zion and It Stinks, Literally

2008-07-24T11:27:00.000-07:00

***Update- Bountiful, Utah has signed on to start curbside recycling! Click here to read the story http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_10004619

I will always love the mountains of Utah, the feel of downtown Salt Lake City (especially near the U), and the fiery martian landscape of the southern canyons. Yes, it is perhaps one of the most beautiful places on earth. It can also be one of the ugliest and uncared for places and nothing tells the visitor this more than the refineries spilling their smelly plumes into the Salt Lake valley air, the deadly inversion, and the nuclear waste dump they keep loading up. Everyone loves to run around saying, “We live in Zion,” “This is the place,” “We’re a banner unto heaven.” In fact today were celebrating a state holiday for that reason. Well, if it’s such a great place, then why do most of the people living there treat it like, well, sh*#? I’d like to see someone with enough balls (and stamina) to say that at the next conference or whole on television about the parade because like many of you, my pioneer ancestors risked everything that had to reach Utah and turn it into what it was. Now their dominant progeny figure they don’t need to care for it, "Christ will fix all when he comes."

Of all the places I’ve lived, Utahns are the least environmental savvy. Now I’m not saying anyone needs to give up their homes and build a nest by the lake, but is it too much to ask that you throw your paper/bottles/cans into a bin and take them to be recycled? And there’s no curbside recycling because most Utahns are too cheap to pay for it! For the last few years I’ve been trying to get my parents to recycle and they wouldn’t because they claimed there was nowhere to take it…well, problem solved because I logged onto www.earth911.org and found there was a dumpster next to the Walmart less than half a mile away. Now when I come over I’m guessing my mom throws out a laundry basket and scoops some paper into it to humor me.

So today when you’re done standing on the parade route in the spot you’ve been camped out on for two days, please pick up your trash and when you watch the fireworks tonight, think of what makes Utah "the place" and what will keep it that way for the generations to come.

Cain Retires to the Sunshine State

2008-07-20T20:14:00.000-07:00

I’ve always been fascinated, yet skeptical of the Bigfoot story. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized the version I grew up with was unique from the rest of the country. In rural Utah Bigfoot was not myth, but a reality linked into God’s eternal plan, something rarely preached from the pulpit but propagated by Mormon culture. As it was told, there were four Bigfoots who were actually the three Nephites (sometimes they are hitchhikers too) and Cain left to roam the earth until the second coming as told in the Book of Mormon. I recall my brother-in-law “bearing his testimony” about his bishop seeing Bigfoot pass through his field as he was tilling back in the early 80’s- at this time there’d been a rash of sightings in our area and coincidentally the “Miracle of Forgiveness” containing the text below was reprinted about that time.

“On the sad character Cain, an interesting story comes to us from Lycurgus A. Wilson’s book on the life of David W. Patten. From the book I quote an extract from a letter by Abraham O. Smoot giving his recollection of David Patten’s account of meeting “a very remarkable person who had represented himself as being Cain.’

‘As I was riding along the road on my mule I suddenly noticed a very strange personage walking beside me… His head was about even with my shoulders as I sat in my saddle. He wore no clothing, but was covered with hair. His skin was very dark. I asked him where he dwelt and he replied that he had no home, that he was a wanderer in the earth and traveled to and fro. He said he was a very miserable creature, that he had earnestly sought death during his sojourn upon the earth, but that he could not die, and his mission was to destroy the souls of men. About the time he expressed himself thus, I rebuked him in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by virtue of the holy priesthood, and commanded him to go hence, and he immediately departed out of my sight…” (Miracle of Forgiveness, Spencer W. Kimball, pg 127, 1969)

If you look in the spring 2008 Journal of Mormon History, there’s a researcher who found a 1919 manuscript in the church archives from the papers of E. Wesley Smith, president of the Hawaii mission who tells his brother, Joseph Fielding Smith of an attack on him by Cain, described similarly to David Patten’s earlier sighting. So there’s a long history of the Bigfoot legend being linked to Mormonism.

In 2000 I produced a radio program for a church-owned radio station where the guest was Ryan Layton, a resident of Layton, Utah and one of the country’s experts on Bigfoot. He claims Utah is a “hot spot” for Bigfoot sightings and I was amazed at the number of people that called in claiming to have had an experience. So, I’m going to ask you the same questions I put out that day- do you believe in Bigfoot? Do you believe there’s a Mormon connection? Why is a culture that’s so quick to accept the idea of ghosts and sasquatches, just as fast to dismiss the thought that other religious possibilities may exist? By the way, the photo is purported to be of a "skunk ape," which is Florida's version of Bigfoot. I guess humans aren't the only ones who like to retire there.

Of Good Report AND Praiseworthy

2008-07-20T07:19:00.000-07:00

I love satire and so do the maker's of www.JibJab.com cartoons. I wanted to bring to your attention their newest one, which you can "star" in. I uploaded my oldest child's face and while he had no idea what the cartoon was about, he thought it was amazing to see himself as a cartoon.

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

2008-07-19T10:29:00.001-07:00

Recently I've seen a lot of people posting these on
their blogs. Since I'd like to remain anonymous, I
decided to see which celebrity Joseph Smith most
resembled. I tried different photos, but this one got
the most masculine results. Personally, I think
Barry Manilow gets my vote for being the closest
physical match. What do you think?

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebrities - Collage - Morph

I Think I Know How Obama Feels

2008-07-17T20:51:00.000-07:00

***If you've already read this, be sure to check out the new comment from the administrator of LDS Blogs--what are your thoughts on his response?***

I submitted my blog to one of the Mormon blog libraries and they responded that it was too “taboo” for them. So I tried another one, got a response, followed their directions and nothing happened. Okay, I thought, I admit to being edgy. In my mind I like to think I’m being honest about the questions and struggles that many people with a Mormon background have. Then I thought maybe a “recovering” Mormon website would list me, nope, seems I’m not “ex” enough for them. So where does a person like me fit in on the spectrum of Mormonism? I’m a seventh generation Mormon from one of the families often mentioned in our history and my name is on the church records, but I admit that over the years (and after some deep research and answered prayers) I’ve become an unbeliever while my husband still liberally practices the faith. That said, I’ll admit that a lot of my life is lived through a Mormon perspective, that in many ways I adhere to some of the tenants (some just make sense) and I could probably lie my way to a temple recommend, but honestly I don’t want to. Where does that leave me?

In Utah it left me branded as being deceived by Satan when I got a different “answer”, someone to be pitied and pursued. Most of the LDS friends and neighbors I grew up with, went to school with, pulled away if I told them about my thoughts. On the East coast it left me with lots of LDS friends who welcomed me no matter my beliefs, some even sharing them. It brought me back to sacrament meeting with my husband and into the nursery with my child. I was part of the community, accepted as I was. Now in the South (and partially in UT) it again has isolated me, brought people to my door with no interest in befriending me, only wanting to save and promote themselves by bringing about my “prodigal son” return.

So what is the identity of a person not Mormon enough to be welcomed into the fold as they are, but not ex-Mormon enough to forget their ancestry and personal past?

Sometimes I Steal Things

2008-07-16T10:54:00.000-07:00

I went to Target to have my baby’s photo done, which is always stressful because you have to time a bath, nap, and feeding perfectly then inevitably they will get something on their outfit before the picture. While paying I ended up in a long discussion with the photographer about scrapbooking then I continued on to do my grocery shopping, and by the end both of my children were fussy. At the register the baby was crying and my four-year-old was begging for a nearby junky toy and candy bar that by now he should’ve figured out I have yet to buy. As I got the last item out of my cart, I realized I’d left my wallet back at the portrait studio, so I told the clerk I’d be right back. With both kids whining I ran the cart back only to find two other groups waiting for the photographer who was in doing a session. I waited and waited as the kids only got crankier. Finally I flagged down someone in a red shirt with a radio who said the photographer had taken it to the customer service desk. Another line and more waiting and I was again in possession of my personal filing system. I ran back to the cash register and found there was a new clerk who said the sale had been suspended, handed me my bags, and said I’d have to get back in line. Since the items were things I needed that night, I had no choice but to wait behind two people while pulling ridiculous faces to keep the kids entertained (and me from crying) until finally we were in the parking lot.

It was then that I realized that at the bottom of the cart was the fajita seasoning (.47 cents) for that evening’s dinner and since it was the same color as the cart and I’d gotten distracted, I’d hadn’t put it up on the belt. I thought back to a story I’d heard multiple times at church, something about one of the General Authorities and how he’d mistakenly received two ten cent sodas when he’d only paid for one and how he went and gave it back. I debated for a minute as the kiddie howling from the van intensified. “How much is your integrity worth?” I remembered my primary teacher asking after the lesson. Since I knew I’d never be a prophet, (mostly because I lack a penis) I closed the van door and went home to make fajitas. Sister Hayes, I’d say .47 cents.

I'm As Mad As Hell & I'm Not Going To Take It Anymore

2008-07-15T17:27:00.000-07:00

This morning I went to the ear, nose, and throat doctor because I’ve had something going on with my inner ear that’s making me dizzy. I was disappointed to see the office my primary provider had referred me to was over twenty miles away, but I didn’t want to jump through the insurance hoops to get someone else. I arrived on time for my appointment, filled out the mound of forms that required me to supply the same answers three times, then took my seat on a worked-in couch. Immediately I chastised myself for not bring my own reading material because the only offerings were outdated issues of “Hearing Technology” magazine. I looked around at the other patients, noting a majority of them were elderly.

As the minutes ticked by my mental calculator was adding up babysitting and gas costs and I noticed the waiting room was starting to fill up. I watched as one mother made her three boys go sit on the curb outside since there were no seats (it was in the nineties), then men began giving up their seats to incoming elderly patients. I looked at my watch and an hour has passed. I got up and asked the receptionist when I’d be up; she left and came back, “Mrs. Adams you’re up next.” That would be great except that isn’t my name I thought. I took my seat. The nurse came out and announced, “The doctor's running behind so you can either wait or reschedule,” she said in a take it or leave it tone, you could feel the atmosphere of the waiting room turn into a tense one.

I stood up and walked back to the receptionist, “I’m leaving and I’m not rescheduling. I want my chart too.”

“We can’t give you that,” she said in a clipped Asian accent.

“I don’t want you to have my information. It should be like I was never here. It’s my chart and I want it now!” I could feel the eyes of the other patients on me, some silently cheering, others trying to size up how crazy I was.

“Okay,” she said knowing I was on the verge of leaping across the counter and at half my size, she’d have little chance.

I took my paperwork and left. When I got home I read what was in it. Seems my doctor referred me for “dizziness and giddiness.” Worried he thought me a flake, I looked up giddiness in the dictionary and in addition to meaning lighthearted, it’s another word for dizzy. Good thing because there was no giddiness in my voice when I called and told him what I thought of his referral.

Blog On My Blog About Other Blogs

2008-07-14T20:49:00.000-07:00

It's been one of those days… I’m hoping you’ll post some links to the other blogs you read and find compelling, gotta keep an eye on the competition. Also, here’s some ideas I’m working on, which one would you like to read next?

1- I’m Christian…Until I Drive
2- Porn, What Is It?
3- We Live In Dirty Zion
4- Strangers In Our Bedroom
5- Great, Now I Get To Read Outdated Ensigns
6- Cain Takes A Vacation

Who Should Own This Word?

2008-07-13T20:30:00.000-07:00

I started a light-hearted blog entry on a celestial sex topic, but my mind kept going back to Thursday when the LDS church issued another statement with regard to the term “fundamentalist Mormon,” and other uses of the word “Mormon” as associated with outside groups. As I applaud and support the church’s efforts to distance themselves from these sects, I do not believe they can claim ownership of such a broad word and in fact the U.S patent and trademark office agrees with me as they denied their request for a trademark(except when it’s used for the church’s educational services ). As I’ve mentioned in past blogs, I’ve spent the past three years researching the FLDS church as part of a book and for several decades these “peculiar people” have proudly identified themselves as “fundamentalist Mormons” since they quite literally follow the teachings of Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon to the extreme. So where did the controversial “FM” term come from? Well one source reports that in the 1940’s LDS Apostle Mark E. Petersen (why is there always a middle initial?) coined the phrase the mainstream church is now trying to do away with.

The other element I find fascinating is that I can recall a letter being read from the pulpit in February of 2001 where we were all asked to refer to ourselves at “Latter-Day Saints,” and not “Mormons.” Overnight the “M” word disappeared from our Utah lexicon replaced by “LDS” at every turn. Then on March 6th of the same year while I was working for the church, I received a press release that said we were only to refer to the church by its full name or “The Church of Jesus Christ,” and “the church” on second and shorter references. Again, the word “Mormon” was only said in hushed tones between friendly co-workers, but in the outside world nothing changed and the world went on using "Mormon" as it always had- to describe any follower of Joseph Smith.

So those of you reading this from the plush carpeted top floors of 50 N. South Temple in Salt Lake City, please continue to do your best to distance us from the “renegade sects” festering on the Utah/Arizona border, Texas, Canada, Mexico, Colorado and a few Southern states, but just know the word “Mormon” is something you can’t reclaim after you’ve spent years telling us we should throw it away.

Of Good Report AND Praiseworthy

2008-07-12T21:48:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you but I loathe being advertised to in my home, especially through junkmail and telemarketers. They both waste minutes of my valuable time, the junkmail kills trees, and they're both, well, annoying. So earlier this year I decided I was going to do something about it. Here are the three best resources I've found and already I've seen a huge reduction in the amount of advertising we get and the telemarkets have stopped calling!

1- www.Catalogchoice.org All you have to do is sign up- it's free, and when you get a catalog put the info into Catalog Choice's form and they will contact the company to let them know you no longer want to be contact. It takes a few months to kick in, but well worth your effort.

2- www.optoutprescreen.com/opt_form.cgi This is how you let the major credit card companies know that for the next five years you don't want to see any more of those annoying offer letters promising your five-year-old a $1,000 line of credit.

3- www.donotcall.gov Just give them your info and after a few months the calls will stop. This is not a permanent solution so when the calls start up again because your request has expired, you'll need to sign up again.

Why Do This?

2008-07-12T13:17:00.000-07:00

While I appreciate hearing everyone's opinions on the “Men On A Mission” calendar, and I have to say some excellent points were made on why this calendar shouldn't have been made- countering my own position, it saddens me to see that some have used my blog to write personal attacks against another person's standing in the church. This shows that tolerance and patience should continue to be preached from the pulpit.

I spent a good part of last night and today wondering if I wanted to continue with this blog, especially when it had the potential to cause so much angst in people’s lives. Why is it we have such a difficult time, particularly in the LDS church, when someone expresses a position different than our own? Is free agency not the very point of our existence?

When I started this blog it was because I wanted to know if I was alone in my thoughts and I now know I’m not, so I’ve decided to continue as in the end I write for no one but myself. If you choose to share my journey, then I welcome you, no matter your choices. Yes, you may find from time to time there are viewpoints expressed by me and other readers that you disagree with—that doesn’t make anyone Satan’s minion- as Mormons, and especially mothers, we’re all just doing what we think is right for ourselves and our families. Aren’t we all stronger members of the church and people in general when we listen to other viewpoints in a world with so much diversity? Who said we all have to agree all of the time? That isn’t how progress comes about. I invite you to move forward with me and ask you to continue posting that we all might find clarity in our lives.

Don't Mess With With A Missionary Man

2008-07-10T19:00:00.000-07:00

**Update- those of you who chose excommunication as a poll answer were correct as that was the final outcome.

My “Men On A Mission” calendar is currently hanging up in the craft room next to a sign that reads, “Families Are Forever? Oh heck!,” because let’s face it, one begat the other. Today one of my readers tipped me off to a story posted on TMZ.com that reveals that the creator of the chesty missionary calendar is facing a disciplinary council “on ‘his’ behalf.” Click here to read the letter from the stake president.

So, should Chad Hardy the creator of the calendar be disfellowshipped or excommunicated for “conduct unbecoming a member of the church?” In my opinion, no.
I think instead of a disciplinary letter from the church, he should’ve received a thank you note. What his calendar did was show that Mormons, men in particular, aren’t as conservative and awkward as the outside world often believes-- that maybe, they’re actually normal. If you flip through the calendar you’ll see the men show nothing more than if they were at the public pool, if only my old Mormon missionary looked that good when shirtless and oiled!

The other item of note is that the letter stipulates that the witnesses he provides must be members of the church. What if the person who could best defend you wasn’t? What about religious justice? I hope Mr. Hardy does attend the disciplinary council and is as candid about his experience as he’s been with the stake president's letter.

Please, post your opinion, especially if you have another view. If you’ve ever wondered who the “Molly Mormon” is that writes this blog, well hopefully you’ll be seeing a lot of me in Mr. Hardy’s next calendar, Mormon Muffins: A Taste Of Motherhood-- that is if he’s looking for lumpy muffins.

Who's Cursed By Color?

2008-07-10T08:49:00.000-07:00

As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that everything in life has a yin to its yang and having a roasty tan is no exception. It seems during summer everyone becomes obsessed with getting a tan and who wouldn’t be, we’ve been taught they look healthy and sexy. Personally, I’m a little mixed about the whole thing and here’s why. This past week both my husband and I went to see the dermatologist, luckily I had nothing to complain about except acne breakouts and fine lines (I stay out of the sun), but my leather faced celestial sex partner had to have several items burned and biopsied. However, I must note he enjoyed it because the doctor and nurse are both beautiful women and he said it was like a porno to be sitting on a table in nothing but a hospital gown and to have them probing around his skin—his description, not mine.

Presently I’m considering a spray tan before our vacation, but I’m not sure I want to bare my sagging breasts to some teenager wielding a spray gun, well, unless they can paint my boobs to look they aren’t resting on my stomach and a few abs would be nice. Another alternative that a friend has confessed to using is melatone injections which turn your skin darker…um, yeah, a little too scary and non-FDA approved for me. This highlights how obsessed people can get with being tan.

So, this summer I’ll be unfashionable by slathering on the sunblock---oh, wait! I just read a study that said a majority of sunblocks don’t work and are full of toxic chemicals. When I looked up the spray SPF 70 that I’d just bought for my children, I found it was rated one of the worst on the market. Find yours here: http://www.cosmeticsdatabase.com/special/sunscreens2008/findyoursunscreen.php

It seems that when it comes to the sun I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I think the scriptures have it all wrong, it’s not those with dark skin that were cursed, it’s those of us who are “white and delightsome.”

Ghosts In The Graveyard Can't Catch Me

2008-07-09T07:51:00.000-07:00

Growing up I was taught to avoid the occult or paranormal, which I did except for ghost stories at girls camp, the occasional visit to a graveyard at night with teenage friends or by playing “light as a feather, soft as a cloud” at slumber parties. But recently I’ve become interested in the paranormal for several reasons. Late one night I found myself watching a show called Ghost Hunters because it was filmed at a location literally down the street from my Rhode Island house. Now I’m a big skeptic so I wanted to know more about the credibility of the two goofs on the show running around in the dark, reporting that’d seen things, and well, I was surprised to learn that one of them, Grant Wilson, was/is a Mormon. I’d be curious to know how this impacts his “ghost hunting.”

Mostly what intrigued me about the program were the “EVPs”- human voices caught on digital tape recorders. My academic background/research is in the communications field and I’ve worked in broadcast for a majority of my career so the idea that it may be possible to communicate in another form has caught my interest. While I’m skeptical of anything I haven’t experienced myself—and no, I’ve never seen a ghost, but I’m open to the possibility. What do you think, are there ghosts? Also, through the lens of Mormonism what did you learn about ghosts growing up? What is the LDS church's doctrine on ghosts as off hand I have no idea! Do you think Grant Wilson of Ghost Hunters would have any conflict by being a Mormon and ghost hunting?

Also, an open invitation to all ghosts, I'm here and I'm ready to talk... if you're even there.

Green Tea Here To Stay

2008-07-08T15:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is the last post I'm going to write related to green tea and the WoW. If you aren't aware of the ongoing green tea saga, please read below"Hot Drinks Until I'm 1oo."

Today I got back my cholesterol results. If you recall, my past results had been high and both doctors I'd gone to suggested cholesterol lowering drugs since it was higher than 200, which I thought was a bad idea so I started looking for alternative treatments. Here are the results for Nov '05, (I didn't go in 06) Oct 07 (after this I started drinking green tea) and July '08.

TOTAL NUMBER 2005- 214 2007- 229 2008- 196

Nine months later and this is the lowest number I've ever had.

HDL (healthy cholesterol) 2005- 67 2007- 66 2008- 64 (should be more than 40)

LDL (lousy cholesterol) 2005- 129 2007- 147 2008- 114 (should be less than 130)

I guess I'll continue to drink my wicked green gentile brew!!

God Told Him I Was "The One"

2008-07-07T19:49:00.000-07:00

I’m always a little suspicious when God gives revelation to someone else on my behalf. Such was the case during the summer of 1995 when I was in college and going through what my BFF’s call my “seminary teacher phase.” That summer I was a dating magnet for future seminary teachers and it probably didn’t help that I was taking a heavy load of institute classes, was in the (LDS) Lambda Delta Sigma sorority, attending institute dances at every college, and was determined to catch me a strapping prophet in the making. I’d been dating several guys at the time, but started going out with one guy in particular several times, but it was nothing exclusive. He was a good seven years older than me, was about to graduate, had been student body president at the university, and was an awesome makeout. On the night in question we’d gone down to a “clean” comedy club near BYU, then afterwards I met his parents, and finally a little lovin’ on the family couch. As he was driving me home he kept asking deep questions about my testimony, which I answered with conviction. And then it all went bad. I remember sitting at a red light and him saying,

“What are your thoughts on marriage?” And of course my reply was positive.
“What are your thoughts on marrying ME?” He asked leaving me speechless. I can recall putting my hand on the car door handle and thinking we weren’t going that fast and that I could probably just roll off to the side if I jumped out.

When I didn’t respond his voice took on that shaky spiritual tone you often hear in testimony meetings and he said, “I’ve been praying about us and Heavenly Father has told me that you’re- “The One.” My mind raced between wanting to scream and wondering if Heavenly Father really had told him I should be his wife. “Pray about it and let me know," he said as we sat in the driveway of my parent’s house.
To which I responded,“Peter (fake name), we’ve had a lot of great dates, but I just don’t think I’m ready to marry you.” And he took it really well for a man who’d been talking to God only to find his “chosen” target was uncooperative.

A few days later I went to my sorority meeting. It was tradition that if a girl got engaged we’d have a “rose circle” and that night it was announced that there’d be one. Getting into a circle we started singing the sorority theme song (I know pathetic huh?) while we passed around a red rose, each girl lingering with it to fool everyone else into thinking it was them until it reached “Jessica,” one of my sorority sisters that I knew, but not that well. When it got to her and she refused to pass it on, all of us jumped up and down screaming. Someone asked who the groom was, and she responded with “Peter ______” and my heart sank. So, Heavenly Father does indeed work in mysterious ways and sometimes he gives those he talks to a Plan B.

Of Good Report AND Praiseworthy

2008-07-06T20:34:00.000-07:00

In preparation for the summer Olympics the Chinese government is asking that all signs be translated into several languages-- with disasterous results. If you're like me and enjoy language, especially when it's used incorrectly, then check out http://www.engrish.com/ The "buildings" and "signs/posters" sections are my favorite and will easily take an hour out of your day. English will never be the same.

The Ensign- Word of Wisdom, The Research

2008-07-05T19:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, I couldn't leave this topic where it was since I keep finding articles about "hot drinks" in various publications, including this month's Ensign, here's what it says, the study The Ensign used as proof caffeine is bad, and the newest research that came out this week:

On Hot Drinks and Caffeine
“And again, hot drinks are not for the body or belly” (D&C 89:9).
The consumption of coffee or tea, whether hot or cold, is recognized by the Church as a violation of the Word of Wisdom. Coffee and tea contain substances such as caffeine, which has been linked to disease. While the Word of Wisdom does not specifically mention caffeine, it is commonly understood in the medical community that higher doses of caffeine are associated with infertility, Meniere’s disease (a disease affecting balance), insomnia, sudden infant death syndrome (with maternal consumption in utero), and fibrocystic disease of the breasts. In addition, gastric acid disease (ulcers of the stomach and duodenum) may also be linked to consumption of both caffeinated and decaffeinated coffee, lending credence to the Word of Wisdom’s advice to avoid “hot drinks.” From the perspective of medical science, most investigators who have examined the effects of caffeine suggest that caffeinated beverages should not be consumed in large quantities.6 Cited study- P. Nawrot and others, “Effects of Caffeine on Human Health,” abstract, Food Additives and Contaminates, Jan. 2003, 1–30, http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih .gov/entrez/query or I found the full study at http://www.informaworld.com/smpp/content~db=all?content=10.1080/0265203021000007840

Below is the abstract for the 2003 study The Ensign cites as saying caffeine is "linked to disease" and "lend(s) credience to the WoW advice to avoid "hot drinks", when it clearly says caffeine is good for most adults--- in moderation and if you're not pregnant or a child. While rarely caffeine can cause disease in "at risk subgroups", all of the latest research shows it fights several diseases (see the list in the newest research article, below). Please, read the info. and decide for yourself...like The Ensign said, the WoW was given 175 years ago.

Abstract Used By The Ensign
Caffeine is probably the most frequently ingested pharmacologically active substance in the world. It is found in common beverages (coffee, tea, soft drinks), in products containing cocoa or chocolate, and in medications. Because of its wide consumption at different levels by most segments of the population, the public and the scientific community have expressed interest in the potential for caffeine to produce adverse effects on human health. The possibility that caffeine ingestion adversely affects human health was investigated based on reviews of (primarily) published human studies obtained through a comprehensive literature search. Based on the data reviewed, it is concluded that for the healthy adult population, moderate daily caffeine intake at a dose level up to 400 mg day-1 (equivalent to 6 mg kg-1 body weight day-1 in a 65-kg person) is not associated with adverse effects such as general toxicity, cardiovascular effects, effects on bone status and calcium balance (with consumption of adequate calcium), changes in adult behaviour, increased incidence of cancer and effects on male fertility. The data also show that reproductive-aged women and children are 'at risk' subgroups who may require specific advice on moderating their caffeine intake. Based on available evidence, it is suggested that reproductive-aged women should consume ≤ 300 mg caffeine per day (equivalent to 4.6 mg kg-1 bw day-1 for a 65-kg person) while children should consume ≤ 2.5 mg kg-1 bw day-1.

Here's the link to the most recent study that was on the newswire, you can click to read the actual research from the Annals of Internal Medicine. "Study Pours On The Good News For Coffee Drinkers" It says 5-7 cups a week is good for you and lists all the positives and negatives of coffee drinking.
http://www.star-telegram.com/living/story/740786.html

While I don't drink coffee because I wasn't raised to and well, it tastes nasty, please let me read accurate research and use my free agency without religious punishment!

From Here to Eternity

2008-07-05T12:34:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone for your blog entries! They helped keep the site fresh over the 4th of July holiday while I took a break.

The first post about marriage prep. in the LDS church bothered me because it’s so true. In Utah it seems members of the church tend to get married young (I was 20) and often have speedy courtships (I know one couple that got engaged after two days and are not having trouble), which I think is due to the culture, but more so the goal of staying chaste until marriage. My husband and I agree that having sex was the big push for us to getting married when we did, luckily it's been good for over a decade since there was more to our relationship than raging hormones.

I find it hypocritical that there's a big focus on glossy Ensign story marriages, but the only counseling or guidance you receive are temple prep. courses and those aren't even about marriage but the temple being "sacred" not "secret" as they say. Well, the big secret is how to maintain that temple marriage for oh, say… eternity! What can you expect though when the church has a lay clergy like “Larry the bricklayer,” now the bishop, who isn't prepared (educationally and already has a day job) to do six months of marriage and finance counseling. His marriage seems to be barely floating along and he's probably up to his neck in debt himself, so what’s he got to say that two randy twenty-something’s still living with mom and dad will listen to?

Yes, there is a huge gap between the LDS vision of marriage and the reality. If marriage and the family are one of the church's keystones, then the best way to fix problems is not by focusing a few conference talks and mag articles on how to improve our marriages, but by instead spending our own tithing resources on giving couples the counseling they’ll need to make sure they can face mortality and eternity together. After all, eternity's a long time to spend with someone you married because you were horny without options.

Blog On My Blog

2008-07-02T19:14:00.000-07:00

This is it, your chance to tell us all what's on your mind. You get to write today's blog entry--try to keep it 200 words and on a "taboo topic related to motherhood or Mormonism," and those depraved souls who read (and write) this blog will give you our feedback. Just post your entry like a comment and those posting feedback please identfy which post you're responding to. And yes, you can post as anonymous, but just remember the one thing I've asked you to do in the Welcome! message....please don't post anything so bad I have to call your mother.

When Bad Things Happen To Bad People

2008-07-01T22:28:00.000-07:00

The last few days I’ve been working through some thoughts on the unfortunate events that are a part of everyone’s mortal living. I make it no secret that I’m not the best Mormon, nor do I want to be and several family members who are more devout, not to mention seminary teachers and bishopric members, really dislike that about me. So, often when negative things happen in my life, and so far they’ve all been health-related having nothing to do with our family’s lifestyle choices, just the randomness of biology, I get a strange vibe from some people. Their off-hand comments have led me to believe that they think we somehow deserve to be punished. Is it just me or is this somehow a perspective brought on by the Mormon culture? Just as God grants blessings to those who practice a certain outline of obedience, he can zing those who have different ideas of faithfulness ? I’m not sure, it could just be them, but where would they get this? It all strikes me as, well, a little Medieval. Remember in your history class when they talked about the dark ages and how they thought mentally ill, handicapped, or ugly people were being punished by God for their sins---well, sometimes I can relate and it’s been over a thousand years.

Hot Drinks Until I'm 100

2008-07-01T11:04:00.000-07:00

I have always followed the Word of Wisdom, even eating meat sparingly, but in the last year after finding that no matter what I ate or how much I exercised that my cholesterol levels stayed high, so much so that my doctor wanted to put me on medication, I started looking for alternatives to the drugs. What I learned was that in all the latest studies they have found overwhelming benefits to drinking green tea, something many centurions have in common. My mother started drinking green tea a few years back and has seen a significant reduction in her cholesterol levels, so I braced myself and brewed a cup, adding lots of Splenda. Now almost a year later, I look forward to two daily cups of green tea and I’ve also found a connection to my English grandmothers who are/were defiant Earl Gray tea drinkers. On Wednesday I go in to have my yearly cholesterol test and I’m curious to see the results!

My celestial sex partner and I have ongoing debates about the Word of Wisdom. While he says he has no problem with my tea drinking, I know he thinks his 4-can-a-day Diet Coke plus Red Bull habit is religiously superior. Just last night we got to discussing the merits of coffee and tea and he said the WW specifically calls them bad, but upon my disagreement we raced to the book shelf and found I was correct, the verbiage is “hot drinks,” which was not clarified until a later date when historical records show JS himself was not being a strict observer by using coffee, tea, and wine. Plus, I think the health information we have has evolved from 1833 when this “recommendation” was first revealed and became more culture than doctrine.

So yeah, there are many things that will knock me out of the celestial kingdom, but don’t you cola drinkers and large folks go around wagging your fingers at me- at least my rule breaking might lead to my living until 100.

7/4/08- With regard to this topic, I saw this news story today http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20080704/hl_time/doesgreenteahelptheheart

And God Said, "Just Do It."

2008-06-29T22:33:00.000-07:00

I read this interesting article in Time magazine, so please check it out and look for my reaction post later today.

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1818197,00.html

This is one trend I hope the LDS church does not get involved with. It turns my stomach to think that "Larry," who is a bricklayer with a nervous laugh during the week but becomes "the bishop" when he puts on a tie and suit would think he has any perogative telling my celestial sex partner and I when, where and how to have sex. That also goes for those higher in the hierarchy. Also, I personally don't believe sex is the solution to a stale marriage, but the lack of it more a symptom of a floudering one-- having more bad sex, because let's face it when you aren't happy with your partner the sex can only be bad, won't jump start a relationship that's falling apart on all the other levels. While I see nothing wrong with scheduling sex, I simply think the belief that having more of it will improve your marriage is just another way to avoid the deeper issues.

At least these kinds of sermons will help keep the evangelicals in their bedrooms!

Of Good Report AND Praiseworthy

2008-06-29T07:47:00.000-07:00

I've always been somewhat satisfied with the body I got put into except for one thing, my skin (okay, at times my weight). It's sensitive, prone to breakouts, and dry--plus now it's showing signs of aging. Well, I recently found something to at least take care of the dryness and guess what? It isn't found at the beauty counter, doesn't cost a fortune, and it's all natural. In fact, if you run to your pantry and look you might already have it- safflower oil. Yes, you can use it for more than salad dressings. I've cleaned out an old plastic soap dispenser and dumped it in so it's less messy. Each night before I go to bed I slather it on, then wear long pajamas. In the morning I put more on my legs after I've put on shorts. A few months back I ran across a dermatologist's article on treating dry skin and eczema which said safflower oil was the best moisturizer and so far it's been working for me!

There Is Beauty All Around?

2008-06-28T06:16:00.000-07:00

One of my closest friends built a custom home in a suburb of Salt Lake City and I went to visit her after she’d finished decorating it. When I walked into the entryway, I had to walk back outside and look above the door to see if I’d missed the sign for Cabela’s. What I’d walked into was a living room full of dead, stuffed animals and a tall red rifle vault. On top of the television was a peasant ready to fly off with the entertainment center in its talons, a duck floating on a wooden end table, and a swan perched on the long sofa table. I stood wondering how much hunting prowess it’d taken to shoot the last two out of a park pond. When I sat on the leather couch I felt onstage as dozens of beady glass eyes from the cervidae family of animals glared down at us. On the log mantle stood a giant Christus with a redundant church distribution center painting overhead, a family photo of everyone dressed in denim resting on the hearth.

Now this isn’t a blog entry on hunting or animal cruelty, it’s about a trend I’m seeing in member taste, or lack thereof. I’m just suggesting the Ensign might want to include some articles on decorating as member homes (especially in Utah) tend to fall into three categories- Mormon kitsch, old world, or hunting lodge, however there are exceptions and hopefully your abode is one of them.

I want to focus on the Mormon kitsch decorating style as it seems the most common among stateside members. Here’s the basic decorative combination, you’ll know how devout you are by the number of objects you’re currently displaying.
1- A headshot of Christ and if you’re aiming for a bishopric position, then putting up five more will improve you chances (Christ in Red Robe by Del Parson is the classic)
2- A temple photo and if it’s one with a hidden image, even better or recently I’ve seen them etched in glass or on a mirror
3- A chimey and cheap upright Baldwin piano
4- On top of that piano there must be at least one Willow Tree figurine, a Christus, or the latest homemaking project
5- A vinyl sign or lettering that says something like, “Roberts Family, Established 1997” or “Love is Spoken Here”
6- And for those needing the daily reminder and maybe wanting to show off, the $185 dollar framed Family Proclamation or Articles of Faith currently available at Deseret Book (my mother-in-law has been frantic for one)

I’ll save the other two decorating styles and the size of Utah garages for another entry, but I wanted to bring it to everyone’s attention in case someone was looking for a spontaneous Relief Society topic for Sunday. And for those of you who think decorating in Mormon kitsch is perfectly lovely, well, you may see the Mormons conquering American Idol, Dancing With the Stars, and Survivor, but there hasn’t been a member that's won Top Design or Design Star.
I’m just saying…

A Rose By Any Other Name Would Smell As Sweet

2008-06-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

Since our children are boys, I’ve let my celestial sex partner handle the topic of how they should refer to their private parts. Personally, I was thinking we’d use the anatomical terms, but my CSP was concerned that we’d be at some public place and one of them would yell out something embarrassing about their penis, so instead he opted for the name, “peeper,” which I have to say is cute. However, I only let the boys watch Noggin television (commercial free) and every hour the station owl mascot comes on urging the kids to, “Point your peepers at this,” before a new program starts and I’m sure my preschooler is now terribly confused. Since my oldest son has just turned four, he’s asking a lot of questions about my anatomy, so I’m wondering if he’s at the age where I can no longer change in front of him or do the occasional quick shower together. A few weeks ago we were both in the shower when he asked, “Mommy, what are those?” as he pointed to my chest.
“Those are breasts,” I replied.
“Why?” his new favorite word.
“Well, they are how babies get mother’s milk.”
“Like sippies on your body?” And I burst into laughter nodding my head.
Then, two days ago we went to Target and I needed to get a new bra. I don’t even bother to try things on anymore since one of them always opens the door or crawls into the next room. So I picked out a bra and tossed it in the cart.
“Why do you wear that on your milks?” asked my oldest.
I had to suppress laughing at the term “milks” that he'd come up with.
“So they don’t fall down.” I reasoned.
“They fall off if you don’t wear one?” he asked.
“Sometimes I wish they would.” And some days I really do wish they would.

So, around your house what terms are you using to describe your bits and berries? For those of you with older kids, at what age would you suggest a mother stop changing/showering with her kids?

Do As I'm Doing, Follow, Follow Me

2008-06-25T22:17:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went to a mother’s gathering where I met some other mothers and when they heard I’m from Utah, they immediately wanted to know about polygamy, which happens to be something I know quite a bit about. To give you some background, in 2001 I met Tom Green, a polygamist who was married to five women and was convicted of four counts of bigamy later that year. I’d expected to get an uneasy feeling from him, you know that letchy creepiness that sends a shiver down your spine? Well, I didn’t come away with that at all and after several years of being in the presence of criminals and misfits of every sort, I consider myself a good barometer of people. What I did find was a man who deeply believed in his religion, loved his family, and was socially awkward so his interview left me wanting to better understand the principle he was willing to go to prison for. In 2005 I found myself with a free summer and I started researching polygamy which lead me to writing a novel that I’m still working on, and working on, and working on.

Anyway, one of the women I met tonight asked why the FLDS thought it was okay to marry girls who were around fourteen-years-old and it’s a complicated answer with many reasons, but the most important one hasn’t gotten much coverage in the media and it’s bothering me. The FLDS take everything literally from the Book Of Mormon (except the Word of Wisdom) and the life of Joseph Smith. Those of you who read church history undoubtedly know of the prophet’s polygamy, including his marriages to two fourteen-year-old girls- Helen Mar Kimball and Nancy Winchester (may have been fifteen), five of his other wives were under eighteen. In light of Joseph Smith’s example, the FLDS view this as God saying it’s acceptable to marry teens, so you can understand my doubts when the FLDS spokesman stands on a dusty road outside the YFZ ranch and says they will no longer marry underage women.

I just wanted this noted so a handful of years from now when they find out girls are still being married underage (or promised)—but might be waiting until the legal age to consummate it, I can say, “I told you so” and feel bad about having to say it. Do you believe the FLDS when they say they won't marry underage girls and how young is too young to marry?

We Are The Gene Pool Gatekeepers

2008-06-24T21:35:00.000-07:00

I read a shocking statistic from the Wall Street Journal- 38% of children are now born out of wedlock, a number that is rising. 28% are born to white single mothers, 50% among Hispanics, and 71% for blacks. It took my brain some time to wrap around those numbers and what they mean for the future of this country. One might be inclined to blame men for these atrocious statistics and I do, but I blame women more. As women it’s a biological fact that when we choose to have childbearing sex without negotiating the protective contract of marriage, we are often the ones left to shoulder all of the responsibility unless we’ve chosen a mate wisely. By not demanding that men become husbands before being fathers, we are helping to create a generation that will continue the welfare state unless something is done to better ensure a man’s accountability. Plus, gender equality can never be realized until both sexes are equally “burdened” by the day-to-day physical and financial acts of caring for children.

With statistics like these, do you think the ratio of whites to blacks in prison will ever improve? By having this new generation growing up without a father as husband, what do you think the future of our country will be?

Ladies, we are the gatekeepers to the gene pool and it’s time we blew the lifeguard’s whistle because too many of us are entering the water with a turd in our pocket instead of a ring on our finger.

Clearing The Way For the Rest Of Us

2008-06-23T22:54:00.000-07:00

If you haven’t already read it, the LDS church has written a letter to be read to wards in California on June 29th concerning an “anti-gay marriage” amendment. I’m just thinking the church may want to ask themselves how this letter got posted on http://www.wikileaks.org/ over a week before it was supposed to be read…

Anyway, it asks members to support the passing of a constitutional amendment that would define marriage as being between, “a man and a woman” by donating their, “means and time.” Now these times, they are a changin’ and I fully expect that in my lifetime, regardless of any church coalition's best efforts, I will witness marriage legalized in many forms- homosexual, polygamy, and polyandry. Personally, I hope gay marriage gets the green light because that means polyandry is just that much closer to being okay and a few more husbands is exactly what I need. First of all, I’m thinking four husbands is the right number for me- a smart one, a good looking one, a bad boy, and one that knows how to do hair. Can you imagine how rich we’d be if all of my husband’s had jobs? Plus, I’d be unbelievably powerful in the house because with women, there’s only so much sex to go around. The good news for them is that they could split up my “honey do” list and it would make sense to dedicate one bathroom in the house to always having the seat up. They’d never be lonely for someone to play video games with and the Elder’s Quorum would no longer have to come over to help move heavy furniture. Yes, I hope “those gays” as my mother-in-law says, get to be married because it clears the way for those of us with bigger marital ambitions. Maybe if I had four husbands, one of them would finally be able to take out the trash.

Religion For Sale

2008-06-22T22:26:00.000-07:00

I’ve been to Vatican twice and one of my favorite parts of going is to stop at the massive gift shop. I could spend hours musing over all the Catholic trinkets that range from the sacred to the profane, from the cheap to the steep. One of my favorite items is a snow globe with a gaudy-looking Pope John Paul II waving out to the world beyond the domed glass. The first time I went I left the gift shop thinking how disgusting it was that they’d used The Pope and Jesus as a marketing tool to sell everything from T-shirts to backscratchers. Well, fast-forward ten years and picture me walking into a Deseret Book after a decade of reprieve and experiencing those same thoughts all over again. But they aren’t the only ones due credit, it seems for many LDS companies it’s now perfectly acceptable to put the image of Joseph Smith, Christ, a temple, scriptures or any other Mormon icon on some bauble and emotionally sell it at a financial premium. Here are some of the current products available that I find to be egregious.

Joseph Receives The Golden Plates Action Figure $5.95
A sacred moment now “Made In China” from vinyl

$20.99 I know it's a little hard to read but it says, “CTR, Bitches”

Isn’t this the perfect thing to send Tiffany Sue to her first day of 4th grade in?

$14.95 It used to be you’d get out of the font and mom would be waiting with a raggedy towel from home, not anymore, now everything surrounding any LDS event is a sellable product…even a towel.

Well, I’m thinking of cashing in on the LDS product craze myself by making and selling Bobblehead Joseph’s, just think of the marketing—“setting him on your dashboard brings a touch of the spirit to your car.” You laugh at my sarcasm, but give it a few months and someone else will have made one and be living large on the East Bench.

Of Good Report AND Praiseworthy

2008-06-21T20:31:00.001-07:00

I have several strange addictions, but the one that rules my life is my need for information. If you walk into my bathroom or closet you will find tumbling stacks of magazines, books, and newspapers. Every evening after the kids are in bed I read the local newspapers, about three magazines, a few book chapters, and then I go to my computer at about 11PM to peruse the fresh news headlines and blogs, before I write for two hours. Clearly, I have a problem.

The other day I decided that I needed to narrow down my reading choices starting with choosing one magazine I couldn't live without and it's called, "The Week." www.theweekdaily.com Why is this magazine so awesome? Well, it's pretty much every magazine next to my tub summarized into twenty pages. It hits the highlights of everything from the best TV shows on the next week, to the craziest tabloid headlines, and onto a roundup of world politics, essays, and beauty advice. In just 30 minutes I can know everything that went on in the world in every category. So, if you're a busy mom who's an infophile like me, this magazine is a shortcut worth picking up.

It's The Thought That Counts

2008-06-20T18:28:00.000-07:00

Warning: For those of you lacking a racy sense of humor, please stop reading here and please, please don't view the photos with this entry or you may find yourself longing for your own pair of plastic soap dispenser breasts.

I have one brother and his whole life he's had to defend himself against several opinionated sisters, especially now that he's pushing thirty, isn't married, and is still living with the folks. We have a long-running gag in the family that started when we were preteens and one of us girls got the brilliant idea to wrap up the sex respect book we'd received at school and give it to him. The next year he retaliated by getting us each a pair of gold lame' underwear, presenting them in front of the grandparents nonetheless. I actually caught one of my sisters wearing them around... From there it continued, ending with last year when my youngest and craftiest sister made homemade merkins for everyone (Super Saturday project idea?), complete with hairy green fabric from the Halloween clearance bin. Clearly, we're sick people. Well, I've been carting around some great gift ideas of my own with my brother as target. Please let me know which one you'd go with.

Handz Off Anti-Masturbatory Cream
$9.50- Instant relief lasting up to 6 hours. Helps you beat nature's urges around the clock.Instructions for use: Privacy is strongly recommended. Cream should be applied liberally and rigorously to affected areas. Massage thoroughly, repeating as necessary and avoiding eyes, mucous membranes and carpet. Never exceed 10 uses per day. More frequent use could cause other conditions, such as blindness.

Shower Breasts
14.50L- Silly question but do you fancy fondling a pert pair of bosoms in the shower every day? We have the answer, Shower Breasts are a fun and saucy shower gel/shampoo dispenser. This naughty nipple-topped pair attaches to your shower wall, each bosom having a compartment for shower gel or shampoo. To dispense, simply squeeze away... enjoy!

(Honestly, I'm not sure my mom will let this one in her house)

Potty Putter
9.95L- Whether you need some more amusement in the loo or you just need to put in some serious practice time, the Potty Putter is a sure fire way to iron out the kinks in your putting game and make a trip to the loo that much more interesting. The Potty Putter is a true innovation in toilet entertainment and the perfect gift for the golf (or toilet) enthusiast in your life!

Weird Things Are Starting To Happen

2008-06-19T22:41:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I got myself a Facebook page and it’s been a blessing and a curse. Suddenly people I haven’t thought of in almost two decades are my “friend” again, several of them folks I really didn’t want to recall. For instance, tonight I reconnected with my first kiss. This momentous event was with my neighbor boy who was two years older than me. I was sixteen at the time and he’d offered to walk me home after a late-night summer game of catch the flag with mutual friends. I should’ve known something was up since I lived just across the street. When I got to the garage door he lunged forward, his mouth on mine, his braces grating again my lips while his tongue tried to bypass my fortress of straight teeth. It was like something out of Alien. I was surprised since I had no idea he'd any interest, plus he was dating the girl next door. Disappointed THIS was my first kiss, I graciously pulled away and said goodnight. I ran inside and told my mother and the next day I told all the girls in the neighborhood. Bad move on my part, but by now from reading my entries, you know it was predictable. When word got back to him that I’d told everyone about the kiss, he denied it. I was crestfallen and branded a liar since he had more credibility in our ward.

Moving on to fifteen years later, I link up with him through Facebook. When I look as his profile picture I see a grown man with a wide receding hairline who hasn’t aged well, a husband, a father and it scares me. I know that if the world views him as someone getting on in years then I’m not far off. It’s nice to be reminded of my youth, even if it’s not my happiest memory but my best revenge is that my husband is one of those men who looks more spectacular with age. Hopefully my first kiss checks out the photo gallery so he knows I'm kissing on a better man every night...wow, seeing that guy on Facebook makes me feel younger, I'm thinking like a sixteen-year-old again.

Even My Neighbor's Dog Is Pregnant

2008-06-18T23:56:00.000-07:00

The newest fashion item around town seems to be the much touted “baby bump.” Sadly, I had my latest one a season earlier so I’m currently without the hip accessory. What can I say, I’m always passé when it comes to trends. It seems every time I find myself at the checkout counter some tabloid headline is blaring about a skanky starlet whose tummy is looking suspiciously distended, well, where I come from that’s called being bloated from greasy pizza at lunch. The current census report shows America is experiencing a baby boom, especially in Utah were one in three households is married with children. So that had me asking, why all the procreation? Fortunately there’s a blog entry on lds.net that has a logical theory- God is sending his reinforcements for the last days. “Obedience in maternity clothes,” remarks one believing commenter. Huh? I was surprised to see the blogger was “Vanessa” and not FLDS prophet Warren Jeffs because he had a similar argument when he was urging the women in Colorado City to have a baby a year. No Vanessa, I don’t think that’s the reason lots of people are getting pregnant. I don’t know what it is, but I plan on having another child in two years and only because I read Angelina Jolie isn’t done having kids.

My Mom Crush

2008-06-18T08:12:00.000-07:00

By now you’ve probably heard the term “girl crush” used to describe the non-sexual feelings a young woman may have for another woman- usually one who is much cooler, attractive, and intelligent than the one with the crush. Remember when there was all that media about Oprah and her friend Gail being gay, which of course was wrong, but clearly Gail is the one with the crush. Anyway, laying in bed last night I realized I’ve developed a “mom crush.” There’s a woman in my playgroup who is similar to myself, but the 2.0 version with sexier graphics and I’m in awe of her. Whever we get together she has fantastic stories about places she’s traveled recently, books she’s read, classes she’s taken and she knows everyone in town. Her kids are always dressed in the most dapper clothes, with their hair brushed and it actually stays in place (ahem, Julie Beck’s Wet Dream During General Conference 2007). While I’m busy fumbling through my diaper bag to find crushed animal crackers for the kids to snack on, she calmly pulls out matching tupperware loaded with veggies she’s carved into lincoln logs. When I see her at the gym in the hot pink workout clothes I couldn’t fit into in the Target dressing room, her sweat actually glistens while mine pools under my armpits adding another stain to the free T-shirt I got on our last cruise. The thing that sucks about this crush is that I really want to hate her, but she’s nice and doesn’t realize how incredible she is. I could be supped up like her but, well, I like to waste my time watching TV instead of being that organized, plus my kids have cowlicks. So, I’ll just go on admiring her, hoping that when she pulls off that hot pink workout outfit she’s got a hideous third nipple she’s hiding underneath them and that when all is said and done, she’s got a crush on some other mom who probably just thinks of herself as ordinary too.

Gentleman, The Research Agrees

2008-06-17T17:41:00.000-07:00

Back on June 2nd, I put up a post titled, "It's Just That Simple," on how I find it sexy when my celestial sex partner does housework. Well, today on CNN there was a story about research that shows women are turned on by a mate who helps out, and why shouldn't he when that same research revealed your celestial sex partner creates seven more hours of housework for you...

Here's the link: http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/06/17/housework.relationships/index.html

I would advise printing the article out, rolling it up and then attaching it to a bottle of dish soap with a pair of lacy underwear. Martha Stewart don't you dare steal this gift idea.

Like Animals At The Zoo

2008-06-16T16:16:00.000-07:00

A few weeks back my husband and I found ourselves awake long before the kids would get up. Sounds like a good time to have sex, right? Well, we sleep with the bedroom door open so we can hear anyone who gets up in the night, but we were so caught up in the moment we didn’t think to shut the door. You guessed it, right at that critical moment I looked over and there sitting on the bed was our three-year-old. “I want milk,” he pouted bare-chested in his Spiderman underwear, hair standing on end. “Um, sure,” I stuttered pulling the covers up, my husband diving for his garments. The whole day I babied our son thinking we’d ruined any chance he'd have at a normal marital relationship, but how lucky we were he hadn’t gone blind from what he’d seen.

The next day I recounted the horror to my newlywed sister so she wouldn’t make the same mistake in the future and to my surprise, she had a long running list of ward members she’d seen “in flagrante delicto” while attending their daughter’s slumber parties over the years. I have no idea how one person can be in the wrong place at the wrong time so often, but maybe that’s her Abrahamic test in life. Let me just say I’m disappointed I no longer go to my home ward because I’d have some awesome dirt to wield.

At the playground when I told the child-scarring sex story to my friends they all shrugged it off. Seems all their little Timmy’s and Tiffany’s are also getting quite the sex education from mom and dad, plus they had their own stories of walking in on the folks. I didn’t even know my parents were having sex until my wedding night when mom closed the door to her bedroom and passed along the generational advice of, “With sex you can get your husband to do anything.” How true mom, how true.

So, I left myself off the hook of guilt knowing our son had no idea what he’d seen, then I made my husband pinky swear he’d be in charge of shutting the door since he sleeps closest to it, and chalked it all up to being like the other animals in the suburban zoo.

Sometimes I'm Sure God Is Dead

2008-06-15T20:23:00.000-07:00

I’ve always had an addiction to sharing news and information, which is why I made that field my career and part of why I write this blog. After a decade of reading, writing, or relaying countless violent stories, I have thick mental skin, but tonight I read something that made me get my sleeping baby out of his crib and rock him, then I sat in the bathtub and wept, wondering if there is a compassionate God- yes, I have doubting days. I saw this story on the AP wire tonight,
www.news10.net/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=43260&catid=2

When you have children it’s amazing how much such stories resonate. My husband reminded me there’s nothing I can do, that it's not my problem and that things like that happen every day- yes they do and where is God I wonder? I guess somehow it makes me feel better if people know about the ugly things in life because my hope in sharing such stories is that one day we'll be able to do something about it. I know that tomorrow when I wake up and look into my baby's blue, blue eyes, I'll again believe in a something greater than myself.

Of Good Report AND Praiseworthy

2008-06-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

I’m a funny kind of shopper. I don’t enjoy aimlessly wandering the mall or driving from store to store. Usually when an item I “need” comes to mind I get a detailed visual, for instance, I wanted a new belt and not just any belt, this one had to have a wide brown elastic waistband with dark leather detailing in the front and a thick front ring. I wanted the belt so badly I took to the mall and couldn’t find anything close, so in desperation I went to the web. Luckily, I found a website that saved me hours of searching multiple sites. It’s called, www.shopstyle.com You can search for exactly what you want and it will show you all the sites that offer something fitting your description. Just yesterday I decided I’d be brave and get a swimsuit online. I wanted a tankini with underwire, padding, that didn’t tie behind the neck and had a swim skirt bottom. www.shopstyle.com found it for me instantly. Now I’m just crossing my fingers that when it arrives I don’t look like I should be on the tennis court instead of at the pool.

Saving Pennies For Heaven

2008-06-14T10:38:00.000-07:00

I’m seventh generation Mormon pioneer stock and as such, a thriftiness gene has been breed into me and most other Utahns. Fighting the urge to be chintzy is a daily struggle, but I often find myself refilling water bottles (also good for environment), refusing to buy any article of clothing that costs over twenty dollars, and only eating out if I have a coupon when we can afford to not scrimp. However, like most people there are items that my wallet seems to fly open for (travel), but that’s not what this entry is about- it’s about the cheapness that abounds in the mountain state and what it says about our values.

For instance, when I got married I received a gift set of mixing bowls and since they were a duplicate, I returned them to “Wally World” only to find they cost $10, and there were five families on the card! My in-laws, the most devout LDS people you’ll ever meet, love bragging to friends about how they only spent $600 bucks on one of their daughter’s weddings, not to mention that I wouldn’t have to strain myself to count the number of times they’ve bought us dinner as opposed to us buying. And don’t even get me started on the small tips they leave and they're both well-paid professionals. Another sign Utahns are penny-pinchers, my friends often pay the babysitter five dollars an hour, one of them for four kids under age eight.

I didn’t realize until I moved out-of-state how bad the culture of cheap was and when we do things like that, it says how little we value other people and their time. Why is type of thoughtless frugality often seen as a virtue in the LDS society? I know that when my in-laws die they plan to donate everything to the church; I guess they’re saving up so what they give is enough to buy them the best place in heaven.

What outrageous acts of cheapness have your seen? Do you think there’s a connection between Utah Mormonism and stinginess?

I.P. Freely Changes Name to Ivana Tinkle-Olone

2008-06-13T07:22:00.000-07:00

I just went to the bathroom and it was fantastic. Why? Because the kids were in bed and I was all alone. For women there’s a whole evolution behind using the bathroom and I know that if I had the time, there’s a book topic in there, maybe. My personal history on the subject started much like everyone else’s- diapers, training pants, then big girl underwear. That’s where my story takes a wild turn. I wet my pants constantly so I was taken to a urologist who did all kinds of tests only to discover the lone problem was I couldn’t be bothered to stop what I was doing and use the bathroom. Twenty-five years and many close calls later, not much has changed in that respect. What has changed is now I have an audience whenever I race to the toilet. If I shut the door, I’m left with children howling outside, pounding at the door with my oldest yelling something like, “Mom, the baby just ate a rock.” I try to dismiss what he’s said, but then I think maybe this time he’s telling the truth so I throw open the door ready to run into the playroom, my pants down, only to find the baby is sitting quietly as a hanger-on to my bathroom entourage. So lately I’ve been leaving the door open with mixed results. While I can now pee without panic, I’ve left myself open to all sorts of questions, “Mom, why don’t you tinkle standing up?” or “Mom, how come it stinks?” Well, today my celestial sex partner almost walked in on our gathering, with me sitting bare-bottomed at the center of the potty convention. After eleven years he’s seen me in every imaginable state except one, using the bathroom. As newlyweds we agreed that we’d never watch the other use the bathroom and that’s a boundary that has never been crossed, which I hear is uncommon. So now I’m back to closing the door with the ensuing bedlam outside, but knowing that someday I’ll always be alone in my bathroom, well, at least until I need their help getting onto my throne when I can remind them there was a time that all they wanted to do was watch me go to the bathroom.

So, what’s the “peeing policy” between you and your CSP? If you have kids, do you too have to use the bathroom with the door open?

Jesus Is My Hedge Fund Manager

2008-06-12T08:47:00.000-07:00

My celestial sex partner works in the financial industry so we’ve always been cautious about saving for retirement, but statistics clearly show most Americans aren’t building a large enough nest egg. Currently Utah ranks #14 in the nation for retirement savings, not bad, but in
talking with other women over the past year I’ve noticed a new phenomenon- some young LDS families aren’t saving because they believe the Lord will provide when the time comes or the Millennium will start before they reach retirement age. This thinking is propelled by pulpit admonishments that we’re living in the last days and we’re the chosen generation, which gives some members a false sense of timing. Besides, who’s to say Jesus will show up and you won’t need money anymore? National numbers clearly show this country is headed toward a retirement crisis and those of us who’ve saved over the course of our lifetimes will be forced to pick up the tab for those who chose to play or pray instead. So, to those of you choosing not to put money away because Jesus is coming, well, here’s some advice, start now because you can’t all be Wal-Mart greeters.

http://compensation.blr.com/display.cfm/id/155692

What's Your Frequency Kenneth?

2008-06-10T20:19:00.000-07:00

There’s one thing my best girlfriend and I love to chat about when we get together and that’s sex. Who’s having it (or had it) with whom, where, how/why they did it, and how often. I’m surprised that in an LDS circle of friends we have so much to talk about when it comes sex, but we’ve agreed that this too will pass as we all get older and our thoughts turn to erectile dysfunction, incontinence, or constipation.

As it now stands, if her husband were to join a naked line-up of men with paper bags on their heads, I’d place good money on my being able to pick him out even though I’ve only seen him in Dockers and a polo. You could say that when they have sex, I get a little piece of the action as well and trust me people, I’m not asking for it. One of the reasons she’s my best friend is because she’s one of the few people who can make my jaw drop and then show up to lead the primary music looking like she just came from an Ensign photo shoot. No one would suspect a thing and she’s probably living right next to you! Maybe she is you…

Well, recently, one of our discussions turned to how frequently we're having sex. I wasn’t real comfortable with this topic because it’s my husband’s biggest gripe and I felt even worse after she revealed they were having sex at least twice a week. They even had a month where they tried to have sex every day… I’d go blind after a week! Then last night I read in Cookie Magazine’s “Mrs. Young” section that their poll revealed- “…manage to have sex once a week (19 percent) or even more often (32 percent). Plus, 77 percent of us say we would like to have sex more frequently. The result that caused me the most worry, though, was the 18 percent who say they do it only a couple of times a year.” www.cookiemag.com/homefront/mrsyoung/2008/04/mrsyoungmay

Alright, what person with kids wouldn’t say they wanted sex more frequently---um, should I scrub off the high chair for the fifth time today or have sex? And, okay, those people only having sex a few times a year, God bless you, you make wives like me look like an energized harlot. So, here’s the solution to maintaining frequency that my celestial sex partner and I came up with—the “Sunday Sextacular,” and yes, it was me who came up with the name. Now all he does is hiss "SS" in my ear and I know I'm on the hook as we've dedicated Sunday night as our night to have sex come hell or high water. Think of it as a naughty Family Home Evening for adults, but without an opening hymn. While yeah, the mood may strike to have sex on another night, our SS is locked in on the calendar no matter what. (Note to home teachers and my mother: now you know one of the reasons we say "no" to Sunday night visits and why we don't answer the phone) One of the many benefits to a planned Sunday night rendezvous is it will have you waking up Monday morning starting the new week with a smile on your face.

Oh The Horror!

2008-06-09T20:32:00.000-07:00

This weekend we went to the pool and I had nothing to wear but my maternity swimsuit top and some board shorts. Laying next to mothers dressed in flowery spandex suits or the few still brave and beautiful enough to wear itty-bitty bikini’s, I felt mismatched and underdressed. I vowed to get a new suit the next day. My mother reminded me of how awful it is to try on swimsuits with kids who will inevitably swing the dressing room door wide when you’re between changes, so she offered to baby sit while I went on a quest to find lycra strong enough to staple ripples of loose flesh to flaccid stomach muscles—at least until I reached the water and could stop sucking it in. J

Just two racks of swimsuits remained at the store, so I grabbed an armful of one-pieces and tankinis and in hopes of appearing more youthful, I tried on the two-pieces first only to find that where the bottom of the top and the top of the bottom met, there was a gap for my flat-tire tummy to ooze out. Many of the tops had a ‘70’s style with soft cups that tied behind the neck, but with those the flimsy pieces of fabric were not enough to fight gravity's gift of my "National Geographic" breasts. The one-pieces were no better with their frumpy fruit prints and high-cut legs. When I got to the register to buy the 80% off trench coat I’d found, the saleswoman asked, “Did you find everything?” I replied, “Well, if the fact that I came in for a swimsuit and I’m buying a coat tells you anything, then no, I didn’t.” She gave me a knowing smile. When I got home and showed my mother the coat she said, "Nice coverup. I've seen the kind of “suits” people wear under those and you'll be getting quite a bit of attention at the pool this year."

So, what’s your swimsuit horror story or are you one of those mom’s who can throw on a swimsuit and look fabulous without having to exfoliate, shave, wax, self-tan, paint your toenails, put on waterproof makeup, and then top it all off with the perfect hat and cover-up?

Of Good Report AND Praiseworthy

2008-06-08T16:54:00.000-07:00

Here's my recommendation for the week. Recently, at the last minute, we were able to go out kid-free so in looking at the local concert venues I saw an artist whose music was described as "psychedelic Middle-Eastern." Since I'm someone eager to embrace unique experiences and cultures, I bought tickets having no idea what we were in for.

It turned out to be an exciting performance, especially those of the percussionist and cellist who were beyond other musicians I'd seen. Who knew the cello could sound like a sitar? So, for a new sound check out Haale. She's not only beautiful and talented, but she's a relief from all the factory pop of our day. Go to www.haale.com No every song is a winner, but my favorites include, "Off Duty Fortune Teller," and "Paratrooper." I will admit, my husband was not amused by the music!

Have We Come Far Enough?

2008-06-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

Recently I went to lunch with two LDS friends who’ve lived in Utah their entire lives and our conversation turned to politics and race. “I don’t know why everyone keeps talking about people not voting for Obama because he’s black, I haven’t seen any racism,” said one of the women. That night I mulled over what she’d said and why she said it. I was raised in Utah, but I’d been away for a long time and I’d forgotten the racial isolation of the state’s suburbs. Recalling back to the Sunday school lessons I’d grown up with where blacks were marked for being “fence-sitters” or “less valiant” in the pre-existence, I realized that somewhere in my mind those teachings had given me an initial hesitation toward blacks. Right away, their dark skin color marked them as people who’d messed up even before they got to earth. In a way, my friend was right, she probably didn’t see much outward racism having never left Zion, where I’d been living in the South and had seen outrageous acts of prejudice. But I’ll ask you, which is worse—to experience blatant racism and know it for what it is, or to have it be something passive and unconscious that hides in people blind to racism because of their racial dominance in an area?

The Salt Lake Tribune had an article on the 30th Anniversary of the “all worthy men” revelation. www.sltrib.com/ci_9497769 I thought the last line from Tamu Smith was a great place to start an open discussion, “For racism to stop, we need to hear it condemned at Conference as often as pornography or abuse are.” What do you think?

You Call This A Vacation?

2008-06-05T20:35:00.000-07:00

Today I fed my children stale donuts for breakfast, hissed threats into my four-year-old’s ear while clenching his arm (probably harder than I needed to), and told him the sign for Rainforest Café was because they served gorilla.

Yes, we’re on “vacation” and it’s been, well…okay. I have these fond memories of my childhood family trips and whenever I book travel, I have this belief that I’m creating the same thing for my children. Last night I couldn’t get the kids to go to sleep and I was spent when they finally did, only to be woken up by an uncomfortable bed, snoring, the party crowd coming in at 2AM, a baby who needed a bottle- three times, and then the kids got up at 6AM. So, that lead to my feeding them donuts bought the day before out of desperation, lots of whining topped off by my four-year-old screaming he wanted to jump from the tour boat because he was thirsty, and us wandering the dirty city streets looking for a particular restaurant when that Rainforest Café snuck up and almost ruined our plans. And those weren’t even the low points.

In talking with my mother it turns out she remembers our family trips quite differently than I do. Where I remember Cinderella’s Castle at Disneyland, she remembers my brother getting lost. At the Grand Canyon I recall the view, she just thinks of my brother running into a tree. I knew about those things, but I guess from a kid’s perspective they just seemed secondary to everything else that happened on the trip.

All I know is our next trip will be without the kids, but then guess what will happen, I’ll spend the whole time thinking, “I wish the kids were here so they could see this.”

So, you moms out there, what are some of your family vacation horror stories? What visions of vacation perfection did you have in your mind that went awry?

I'm Not Dead You Know!

2008-06-03T20:13:00.000-07:00

It’s summer, ah summer, the warmth, the long days, the pool, and the sweaty young women in sports bras running on the bike path. Sometimes I’m amazed my husband hasn’t run into a tree. For years I’ve put up with him casting sideways glances at beautiful women, which by they way has made me wonder if God’s really male because if he is, wouldn’t he have put one eye on the side of men’s heads so they didn’t have to strain to be secretive about looking? If your celestial sex partner is like mine, he can’t help himself and after a decade plus of marriage, I’ve given up trying to change him. Instead, I changed myself.

Just the other day we were driving to the library and a pair of male bicyclists were in front of us. Let me just say that black spandex and a helmet aren’t such a bad combo, especially when they’re on top of two muscular pedal sticks. “What’re you looking at?” he asked in a teasing tone, my eyes were on the spandex, bobbing up and down with every pedal push. “I’m not dead you know,” was my terse reply.

And there it was, if summer brought out an abundance of eye candy, then we’d both have rotten teeth by the end of it. Plus I’ve got to admit, it’s ratcheted up the sexual tension in our relationship and given me new insight into what he finds attractive. Who knows, I might even buy some spandex shorts to pull out if he presents lingerie on our next anniversary. The only thing killing our new foreplay is the gangly guy with the body hair of a sweaty llama who insists on running in nothing more than tight running shorts and tube socks every morning- talk about a cold shower.

Yep, It's Just That Simple

2008-06-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

Whenever I’m in a waiting room there’s always a men’s magazine with an article offering advice on how to turn a woman on. Let me tell you, from what I’ve read they’ve got it all wrong, at least where wives and mothers are concerned. Those magazine experts and doctors advise men to buy sexy lingerie or perfume, to light a candle, play romantic music or take her to dinner, which worked in my single and childless twenties, but now that’s too much to hope for so there’s one proven technique for getting me in the bedroom and it’s free, which is a bonus in our waning economy. Here it is- housework. Yep, it’s just that simple, but that doesn't make for sexy magazine articles. All my husband has to do is load the dishwasher or sweep the floor and I feel a moan forming in the back of my throat. If he bends over to pick up the sweaty grass-stained socks he’s left on the bedroom floor for three days, I get a tingle up my leg. If he needs a sure thing, he can take the kids for an hour and help them clean their rooms while I take bath and guaranteed, the man will go to sleep happy.

Now, here’s where this gets messed up- men don’t believe us. I’ve told my celestial sex partner this several times when he’s wondering why I’m too tired for sex, but I wake up the next morning to find his dirty garments on the floor next to the shower. So, the next time you go to a bachlorette party, skip giving your friend the skimpy underwear or love potions and put together a basket with paper towels, window cleaner, dish soap, and a scrub brush because after a year of marriage, seeing them in her husband’s hands is what’s going to do it for her.

Nursing Babies Young and Old, Really Old

2008-06-01T21:00:00.000-07:00

My mother once told me that women marry their first baby and I now know it’s true. However, my husband has always been different than my other children in that among other things, I’ve never nursed him, but twice in the last few months I’ve had other nursing mothers confess to sharing a nip of breast milk with their spouse- intentional or not. Plus, another mother confessed to trying her own milk because she wanted to know what her baby was getting. Yeah, sometimes play date discussions turn into major over share sessions, but I guess that’s how we know what the Jones’s are doing (and it’s great blog fodder). Now seriously ladies, am I missing something? I don’t know about you, but I’m going to be candid here, when I’m in the nursing phase, my bra never comes off, especially during sex as I have a strict policy of never mixing business with pleasure. All I had to do was slap my celestial sex partner’s hand a few times and he got it.

Which takes me to nursing the young- walking in the mall a few weeks back, I saw a mother sit down at the fountain and pick up a little boy who had to be about two or more, and discreetly breastfeed him. It was fascinating to watch the faces of passersby- some scrunched their noses, and others winked, cheering her on.

I know, this is one of those serious cultural taboos, but at what age should you put the tasting menu away for your babies- 1, 2, 5, …30?

Of Good Report AND Praiseworthy

2008-05-31T22:31:00.000-07:00

Originally my goal was to write everyday, but I've decided to do a "Good Report" section each Sunday instead. I pride myself on being what the author of The Tipping Point calls a "maven." Here's his definition:

"Mavens are the information gatherers of the social network. They evaluate the messages that come through the network and they pass their evaluations on to others, along with the messages. Mavens drive many of our social institutions. They are the people who inform the better business bureau, regulate prices, write letters to senators, etc. in order that the rest of us don't have to." Case in point, I've already written two letters this week, but lucky for my senator, I gave her the week off- bank and newspaper, one happy, the other no so much.

So, on Sunday's I'll post anything I've found that I think you might enjoy. My taste runs to the unusual as I'm constantly striving to experience some little-known piece of Eden, plus I try to avoid the trends everyone is clamoring for in hopes that I can enjoy the next fad before the masses mess it up.

Here's my offering for this week:

Rent the movie, "The King of Kong A Fistful of Quarters" This will take you back to high school chess club when the kid with coke-bottle glasses got mad and overturned the table causing a rumble to break out. Okay, that didn't happen, but this documentary is one awesome nerd fight about trying to be the world champion of Donkey Kong!

Please check it out and post a comment to let me know what you thought of the recommendation.

The Dangers Of Liquid Hair

2008-05-31T08:21:00.000-07:00

My celestial sex partner asked for something shocking this week, at least for him. “I think it’s time for Rogaine,” he said driving our mini-van to the park, kids screaming in the back. “Are you talking about for me or you?” I asked prepared to be offended, but he kept our marital relationship intact by pointing to himself. Honestly, his request scared me. It’s one thing for me to be soaking in anti-wrinkle cream every night, but now my husband was starting to worry about his signs of aging? Isn’t he the one who’s supposed to age gracefully turning into someone regal and debonair, while women we just, well, rot? Besides, he’s only missing an inch of hair at his temples, barely noticeable, while I’m farming new groves of it in dark unsavory places soon to be exposed at the local pool- what’s he got to complain about? But I humored him- sort of, I didn’t buy the $48 dollar brand name bottle of liquid hair, instead I bought the $18 Target brand and for the warnings on the back of the box alone, it was worth it. They were the gold standard of common sense medical warnings and here they are just as he read them standing shirtless in the bathroom mirror-

DO NOT USE IF:
- you are a woman (huh, okay, we’re off to a bad start. I waited to see if a confession was forthcoming, none was so all set on that one)
- you have no family history of hair loss (his father has the fullest head of hair you will ever see and all other male relatives are long dead, so this one was a mystery)
- your hair loss is sudden and/or patchy (if you have this kind of hair loss and you've bought some Rogaine, you’ve probably got bigger problems like a poor sense of urgency and mixed up priorities)
- you do not know the reason for you hair loss (okay, this one stumped us, does any man going bald know why?)
- do not use on babies and children (Really!?! There are people out there so worried about their baby not having hair they resort to Rogaine?)
- your scalp is red, inflamed, infected, irritated and painful (again, this is for those guys who haven’t clued in that they’ve got bigger problems than hair loss and somehow they think they can grow hair on a weeping scalp wound?)

He put the bottle back in the box and asked that I return it.

Beware Of Men Who Don't Just Grow Beards, They Marry Them

2008-05-29T19:56:00.000-07:00

I’m concretely aware of three marital situations- one of them decades old and outwardly happy, one in the process of divorce, another couple engaged and all of them have something in common---the male is LDS and gay. There’s a slang term for a woman who marries a gay man hoping to cover up his sexuality or change it- she’s called his “beard.” In these cases all three woman had/have no idea their partner is gay.

As I’ve watched these pairings, knowing what I know and not feeling it my place to get involved, I’ve often thought this may be one of the greatest unintended tragedies resulting from our culture. I can only imagine the pressure these men are under to suppress and repent of their urges/actions all while believing in a faith that tells them what they’re feeling and doing is contrary to God’s commandments and they must want to stop or they’d leave the LDS church. Wanting to experience the blessings of family life and hoping things will change; they find an unsuspecting woman to marry. In all three of my cases she was/is similar- about to graduate unmarried from the singles ward, “sweet spirited,” and dating any wallet mule with a dollar in his pocket.

Together they make a life, have children, she believing everything is as it appears, he knowing it’s all born of a lie. I’ve seen these relationships last, but now I’m seeing the destruction it can bring to a family when the reality is uncovered. What of the women and children who learn their husband and father is gay? So I’m asking you, what should these men have done in the beginning- never married, been honest about their desires, left the church, or married just as they did?

By the way, the slang for a man who marries a lesbian is a “merkin” (I don’t currently know any couples like that), a merkin is a pubic hair wig worn by prostitutes in the early 19th century to hide lice and worse... Now there’s a vocab word that’s fun to take out for a spin on ladies night!

She's Doin' The Nasty With A Coach Bag

2008-05-27T19:42:00.000-07:00

In the past few weeks two of my friends have confessed to infidelity. To make it even worse, they’ve both been doing it at the mall. One of them was kind enough to spell out the details of a particularly sordid episode where she admitted to feeling a little low about herself on the day in question, which happens when you’re a woman like us- a mother who puts her children and husband first and who rarely gets the chance to dress up and go out all while watching your youth fade away in the vanity mirror. Plus, some days your kids are more than you can stand so you feel like rewarding yourself for not killing them—yet. So, you run out looking for a not-so-cheap thrill.

“Feeling bad about yourself happens,” I reassured her, “After awhile you start to wonder what’s happened to, well- you, and off to the mall you go looking for redemption only to find temptation. Before you know it, you’ve picked up a new toy, one you’ll put in the closet for a few weeks, then pull out and hope your husband doesn’t notice.” Unfortunately for me, I picked an opinionated metrosexual husband who notices such things. “Yes,” she agreed, “That’s how it started, except now I’m doing it all the time and it’s costing us a fortune. Jake (name change to protect the innocent) wonders why we can barely keep up with the mortgage.”

The experts call what she’s doing financial infidelity and maybe some of you will recognize that you've also got a cheating heart. My friend’s vice is designer bags, but she tells her husband they’re from Target, since he won’t know the difference and she pays all the bills so he doesn’t see those either. Now I’ve had financial affairs, but never with a big-ticket item because, well, I’m too cheap. My secret vice is buying overpriced European chocolate bars and eating them in my minivan before I have to go home and share, but they say chocolate is the gateway to more serious crimes, so I'm trying to stop...

So, are you having a financial affair? With whom- Louie V, Versace, Coach? What advice do you give to friend who is stealing her family’s financial future for a fashion season of name-brand vachetta leather rubbing against her chest?

Help! My Ta-tas Are Caught In a Double Bind

2008-05-25T09:05:00.000-07:00

For the most part I’ve always liked my breasts, once I was even brave enough to take them out for a public spin on a topless beach in Italy (my husband about died from embarrassment and then excitement lying on the beach towel next to me, nobody else cared)—of course this was before I had kids, resulting in a chest that now looks like two mounds of uncooked and over-kneaded pizza dough.

So I’ve now reached the age where female friends and acquaintances are finished having their families, so some have purchased new boobs. What, you say, aren’t we taught to love our God-given bodies? Well, yeah, and I’m sure they do, they probably just see them as temples with steeples that are wobbly or would look better without all the scaffolding around them. Which brings me to my point, there’s a double bind going on here ladies, one that has our breasts being pulled in opposite directions.

According to Forbes magazine, Salt Lake City is “America’s Vainest City,” scoring above Miami and L.A. I might add. While there were many factors that went into this great honor, the numbers were telling, http://www.forbes.com/. I thought someone at the magazine had messed up until I took a summer walk downtown for a looksie and started listening to the conversations of the women around me. Exhibit A- while at the park a few weeks back, I was eavesdropping on a group of five women sitting on a blanket, their kids on the playground. They were talking about when to get their “boob jobs” (I'm willing to bet that will be the only "job" some of them have outside of motherhood) and what cup size they’d get. I knew for certain these women were LDS due to the other topics they discussed, plus one of them flashed her garments above her capri's every time she bent over.

So, if the LDS church teaches that our bodies are temples, womanhood divine, why the record rush in Utah to change our physical form through cosmetics and surgery? I'm made to feel culturally that if I don't reflect female perfection in body and mind, I'm a failure, a frump. It seems the church sends out one message, mormon society another. Why are the messages contradicting? All I know is that on the morning of the resurrection you’ll know who I am--- I’ll be the only woman whose nipples are still pointing south.

A Sinful Snip

2008-05-23T16:47:00.000-07:00

A week back I saw a news story that the LDS church handbook had been put online through www.wikileaks.org Being the curious chick I am, I had to read it, yep, the whole thing. Let me just say I never knew baptizing “trannies” was an issue (that would explain a few people in the ward), but basically that’s as exciting as it got until I hit page 197 out of 198. Here’s the passage:

Surgical Sterilization (Including Vasectomy)
The Church strongly discourages surgical sterilization as an elective form of birth control. It should be considered only if (1) medical conditions seriously jeopardize life or health or (2) birth defects or serious trauma have rendered a person mentally incompetent and not responsible for his or her actions. Such conditions must be determined by competent medical judgment and in accordance with law. Even then, the persons responsible for this decision should consult with each other and with their bishop and should receive divine confirmation of their decision through prayer.

We currently have two children and day to day, depending on how crazy things have been, the number of children my husband and I want changes, but one thing never has- that when we decide we’re done having babies, he will graciously submit himself to a vasectomy. My body will have been through enough, so tag--- he’s now it. Well, come to find out it’s pretty much classified as a sin since I don’t have a medical condition unless you count temporary insanity resulting from the serious trauma of finding (1) a small child has wiped red lipstick on my date night dress or (2) done some disgusting business in the toliet and left it unflushed in a non-airconditioned house the whole week we were on vacation. "Honey, why does the house smell like the sewer? Oh, that's why!"

So, what do you think? Is it worth possibly falling short of the celestial kingdom to have one sinful snip that results in decades of carefree sex?

A New Species Found In Utah- The Bald Beaver

2008-05-22T07:51:00.001-07:00

For my birthday, I requested an intimate gift- laser hair removal on my bikini line. Lately it seems the advertising for it is everywhere and I’ve sat on the sidelines waiting for the prices to fall, but no more! To look at me, you’d think I was “normal” when it comes to the quantity of hair “down there,” but no it’s not. I found this out the last time I got waxed. I’d also had a manicure, which they cruelly did first, so I wasn’t able to take off my own shorts. When the Vietnamese woman doing the waxing took them off (which felt odd in itself), I heard her gasp, then for the next fifteen minutes I had to endure a lecture in broken English about how I needed to get rid of all the hair so, “husband come home from work.” Then she gave me a wink as she mercilessly ripped it all out while I lay helpless, holding my wet nails up to dry.

It seems some latent gene from my Baltic ancestry decided I would have the curse of the werewolf crotch. I told my husband some guys like a full beaver pelt, and his teasing reply was, “Yeah, and they lived in Communist Russia.” Clearly, something needs to be done. When I asked my friends for referrals, I found out all kinds of things about their body hair that I never would’ve guessed… The most shocking of all was that the most conservative woman of the bunch is now as bald as the day she was born. I’m debating about how ready I am for that, plus anything involving stirrups and a real laser is more than I bargained for outside of the bedroom. On the other hand, it would be nice to never have to think about it again. What do you think- should I join the new species of bald beavers or keep a lady-like landing strip that will need regular lawn maintenance?