A Harried Mom

Body hair on a women does not bother me, especially if it’s my own body. Growing up I wasn’t allowed to shave until I turned fourteen, but here and there if my mom left out her razor I’d experiment, resulting in some scars on my shins. When I could finally shave I had the goal of removing every hair from my body in the hope they would never return, but they did, just darker and coarser and a new daily chore was born-- made harder by my Baltic ancestry. Then one night in an Italian discotheque that all changed. There was beautiful female bartender (I of course was not drinking) and when she lifted her arm in some Tom Cruise “Cocktail” move a spotlight hit her armpit- illuminating in all its glory, a patch of wiry hair. I was repulsed and mesmerized at the same time, but then it hit me- body hair has nothing to do with cleanliness, instead it’s strictly about culture. A perfect example of how culture dictates beauty, hygiene, and attraction. When I returned home I tried an experiment over the winter and let me hair grow out, my boyfriend (now husband) was not amused, but thus began a cycle. Ever winter I go a little au-natural and come spring, like the lambs grazing in green pastures- the razors, wax strips, tweezers, and depilatory creams come out and I get fully sheared. I think it’s funny that some women try so hard to go against the social grain by getting tattoos, piercings, or Mohawks when all you have to do is grow a little body hair and Americans- male and female alike, are suddenly up in arms. My friends, female body hair is the last great taboo in American culture and I’m living on the edge.

Of Good Report AND Praiseworthy

In preparation for the summer Olympics the Chinese government is asking that all signs be translated into several languages-- with disasterous results. If you're like me and enjoy language, especially when it's used incorrectly, then check out http://www.engrish.com/ The "buildings" and "signs/posters" sections are my favorite and will easily take an hour out of your day. English will never be the same.

There Is Beauty All Around?

One of my closest friends built a custom home in a suburb of Salt Lake City and I went to visit her after she’d finished decorating it. When I walked into the entryway, I had to walk back outside and look above the door to see if I’d missed the sign for Cabela’s. What I’d walked into was a living room full of dead, stuffed animals and a tall red rifle vault. On top of the television was a peasant ready to fly off with the entertainment center in its talons, a duck floating on a wooden end table, and a swan perched on the long sofa table. I stood wondering how much hunting prowess it’d taken to shoot the last two out of a park pond. When I sat on the leather couch I felt onstage as dozens of beady glass eyes from the cervidae family of animals glared down at us. On the log mantle stood a giant Christus with a redundant church distribution center painting overhead, a family photo of everyone dressed in denim resting on the hearth.

Now this isn’t a blog entry on hunting or animal cruelty, it’s about a trend I’m seeing in member taste, or lack thereof. I’m just suggesting the Ensign might want to include some articles on decorating as member homes (especially in Utah) tend to fall into three categories- Mormon kitsch, old world, or hunting lodge, however there are exceptions and hopefully your abode is one of them.

I want to focus on the Mormon kitsch decorating style as it seems the most common among stateside members. Here’s the basic decorative combination, you’ll know how devout you are by the number of objects you’re currently displaying.
1- A headshot of Christ and if you’re aiming for a bishopric position, then putting up five more will improve you chances (Christ in Red Robe by Del Parson is the classic)
2- A temple photo and if it’s one with a hidden image, even better or recently I’ve seen them etched in glass or on a mirror
3- A chimey and cheap upright Baldwin piano
4- On top of that piano there must be at least one Willow Tree figurine, a Christus, or the latest homemaking project
5- A vinyl sign or lettering that says something like, “Roberts Family, Established 1997” or “Love is Spoken Here”
6- And for those needing the daily reminder and maybe wanting to show off, the $185 dollar framed Family Proclamation or Articles of Faith currently available at Deseret Book (my mother-in-law has been frantic for one)

I’ll save the other two decorating styles and the size of Utah garages for another entry, but I wanted to bring it to everyone’s attention in case someone was looking for a spontaneous Relief Society topic for Sunday. And for those of you who think decorating in Mormon kitsch is perfectly lovely, well, you may see the Mormons conquering American Idol, Dancing With the Stars, and Survivor, but there hasn’t been a member that's won Top Design or Design Star.
I’m just saying…