An Open Letter to Sister B. Beck

I consider myself a feminist, but I’ll be the first to tell you the present definition of that term is murky. Basically, I believe women, like all people, should be free to make the decisions that will make their lives fulfilling while I realize there are systems of oppression in place that can sometimes make this difficult and cause women to think they have autonomy when they don’t.

I read your conference talk back in the fall of ’07, and had a mixed reaction because while I agreed with some of your points, your words lessened the support of women choosing to use their free agency in a way different than yourself. Now, due to the recent Sunstone panel discussion, the controversy has been revived.
(Readers, here it is if you need a refresher: http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=2a4826cb31cf5110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&hideNav=1)

Below are my thoughts on three of your “mothers who know” points and I feel qualified to make them as a woman with advanced education that had a successful career in a male dominated industry which I temporarily gave up to be a stay-at-home mother who now struggles to maintain my sanity/identity while being criticized as a heretic by the church and a traitor by the radical feminists.

First off, the title, “Mothers Who Know,” implies that those mothers who don’t fulfill the role as you’re advocating aren’t “in the know” and therefore are lesser mothers. Why must women be continually pitted against one another, by one another?

Mothers Who Know Bear Children
While I agree with the statement that “children…are our greatest jewels,” I disagree that “faithful daughters of God bear children” and that “young couples should not postpone having children.” Furthermore, the statement that children are “becoming less valued” in many cultures in the world couldn’t be more false.

Having children isn’t for everyone and wouldn’t the world be a better place if those awful mothers who leave their kids in a hot car to die while they buy meth knew that before having those children? In a world made up of individual preference, bearing children will not be the goal for every woman and it’s the smart women who know where their interests lie and don’t feel obligated to do the things that simply don’t interest them. Think of how great this world would be if there were no unwanted children and no guilty mothers?

Sister Beck, young couples should postpone having children to a certain point if they choose, especially in a religion where many marry at an age below the national average. My husband and I waited seven years to begin having children because we wanted to ensure that we knew who we were and what we wanted as individuals, that our marriage would be an eternal success, and that we had both received a full education that lead us to financial stability. By not waiting to have children until after you’ve received an education or discovered yourself as an individual, the risk is high that these women will never do either of those things leading to problems later in life. Time and time again research shows that a mother who is educated elevates her chances of being successful in raising intelligent and happy children (read the book Freakonomics for some statistics) and she herself will have a more fulfilling life.

Lastly, we do exist in a time where couples are having fewer children but this doesn’t mean that choice is being made because children are “becoming less valued.” If anything, parents make that decision because their children are highly valued and they want to ensure they have the means (temporal and spiritual) available to raise their offspring as they deem best. We are no longer an agricultural society that needs large families, instead we have modern economic constraints and time pressures that force us to evaluate as parenting partners how our resources are best spent on the number of children we’re comfortable with. It’s what YOU decide and no one should see it as a sign of how much you value your children whether they be 1, 15, or like you, 3.


Mothers Who Know Honor Sacred Ordinances and Covenants
Sister Beck, there was only one sentence in this section I found objectionable. “They bring daughters in clean and ironed dresses with hair brushed to perfection; their sons wear white shirts and ties and have missionary haircuts.” Really? This should be my priority as a mother? Is it yours? When I help get the kids ready for church I’m lucky if I can convince them to have matching socks let alone worry their hair isn’t standing on end. And the term “perfection” is a standard women have been battling against for ages—can you really brush hair to such benevolence? Also, you pointed out the boys were dressed in WHITE shirts and had MISSIONARY haircuts- that irked me. This goes back to my earlier post on Cyborg Children, must even our children conform in their dress? What of that ten year old boy who wants the “shaggy” cut his classmates are wearing, must a “mother who knows” quash such rebellion to meet your standard and risk a larger mutiny later?

Mothers Who Know Are Nurturers
Okay Sister Beck, this is where I got mad and signed the “Women Who Know” petition. These two sentences set women in the church back decades, “Another word for nurturing is homemaking. Homemaking includes cooking, washing clothes and dishes, and keeping an orderly home. Home is where women have the most power and influence; therefore, Latter-day Saint women should be the best homemakers in the world.” I looked up nurturing in both the thesaurus and dictionary and nowhere did I see the term “homemaking.” I did find develop, education, strengthen and nourish and all are done in my home without me being the best cook, laundress, dishwasher, and organizer in the world. In fact, I don’t enjoy doing any of those chores because throughout history they were “women’s work” and I’d like to think we’ve evolved to where it’s everyone’s work, including my husband's. He claims you turned in a talk to the General Authorities that said the brethren should do more work around the house and you were surprised by what came up on the teleprompter instead, how much better than would make me feel.

Lastly Sister Beck, if you think home is where I have the most power and influence, then you’re right, but get me in a board room lady and you’ll see that same power and influence. That’s right, there are Mormon women who can rule in both worlds and do it without being the “best homemaker in the world.” All women should be free to choose what makes them happy and not feel guilty about that happiness, no matter how it comes. And that Sister Beck, is what I know.