The Dangers Of Liquid Hair

My celestial sex partner asked for something shocking this week, at least for him. “I think it’s time for Rogaine,” he said driving our mini-van to the park, kids screaming in the back. “Are you talking about for me or you?” I asked prepared to be offended, but he kept our marital relationship intact by pointing to himself. Honestly, his request scared me. It’s one thing for me to be soaking in anti-wrinkle cream every night, but now my husband was starting to worry about his signs of aging? Isn’t he the one who’s supposed to age gracefully turning into someone regal and debonair, while women we just, well, rot? Besides, he’s only missing an inch of hair at his temples, barely noticeable, while I’m farming new groves of it in dark unsavory places soon to be exposed at the local pool- what’s he got to complain about? But I humored him- sort of, I didn’t buy the $48 dollar brand name bottle of liquid hair, instead I bought the $18 Target brand and for the warnings on the back of the box alone, it was worth it. They were the gold standard of common sense medical warnings and here they are just as he read them standing shirtless in the bathroom mirror-

DO NOT USE IF:
- you are a woman (huh, okay, we’re off to a bad start. I waited to see if a confession was forthcoming, none was so all set on that one)
- you have no family history of hair loss (his father has the fullest head of hair you will ever see and all other male relatives are long dead, so this one was a mystery)
- your hair loss is sudden and/or patchy (if you have this kind of hair loss and you've bought some Rogaine, you’ve probably got bigger problems like a poor sense of urgency and mixed up priorities)
- you do not know the reason for you hair loss (okay, this one stumped us, does any man going bald know why?)
- do not use on babies and children (Really!?! There are people out there so worried about their baby not having hair they resort to Rogaine?)
- your scalp is red, inflamed, infected, irritated and painful (again, this is for those guys who haven’t clued in that they’ve got bigger problems than hair loss and somehow they think they can grow hair on a weeping scalp wound?)

He put the bottle back in the box and asked that I return it.