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I’m concretely aware of three marital situations- one of them decades old and outwardly happy, one in the process of divorce, another couple engaged and all of them have something in common---the male is LDS and gay. There’s a slang term for a woman who marries a gay man hoping to cover up his sexuality or change it- she’s called his “beard.” In these cases all three woman had/have no idea their partner is gay.
As I’ve watched these pairings, knowing what I know and not feeling it my place to get involved, I’ve often thought this may be one of the greatest unintended tragedies resulting from our culture. I can only imagine the pressure these men are under to suppress and repent of their urges/actions all while believing in a faith that tells them what they’re feeling and doing is contrary to God’s commandments and they must want to stop or they’d leave the LDS church. Wanting to experience the blessings of family life and hoping things will change; they find an unsuspecting woman to marry. In all three of my cases she was/is similar- about to graduate unmarried from the singles ward, “sweet spirited,” and dating any wallet mule with a dollar in his pocket.
Together they make a life, have children, she believing everything is as it appears, he knowing it’s all born of a lie. I’ve seen these relationships last, but now I’m seeing the destruction it can bring to a family when the reality is uncovered. What of the women and children who learn their husband and father is gay? So I’m asking you, what should these men have done in the beginning- never married, been honest about their desires, left the church, or married just as they did?
By the way, the slang for a man who marries a lesbian is a “merkin” (I don’t currently know any couples like that), a merkin is a pubic hair wig worn by prostitutes in the early 19th century to hide lice and worse... Now there’s a vocab word that’s fun to take out for a spin on ladies night!
Like a waterfall in slow motion, Part One
2 years ago
8 comments:
Ahhh...MERKIN. One of my favorite words from back in the day. It's one of those words you can't get out of your head for weeks. Good luck with that ladies.
Back to the subject at hand...this is a sad truth that is evident more and more in our culture. I just met a family in our student ward who are both getting their doctorates, and he is openly gay. She is "ok" with this, and they felt it was the right thing to do, although admitting they aren't sure where it's going to go when their children are old enough to ask questions. (they have two currently) She is very open about the situation and says that she wanted children and wanted to marry, and hadn't had any offers so when he came along and suggested the idea she felt it was right. Will they make it? Hard to say.
On the other hand my sweet darling Aunt was told by her husband of 18 years recently that he was gay and leaving her and the kids (7!!!!) for his boyfriend of several years. Their oldest boy is a senior in highschool and their youngest is 4. Her life is in shambles right now.
It's a hot mess...being Gay and LDS.
That's so sad. If she doesn't know, shouldn't she be clued in? If I was about to marry a gay man I would want someone to say something!
I have very mixed feelings about this. I am fairly progressive for an LDS person. I don't really know what to think. I know people aren't born gay, it's a choice hey make. That is my personal belief.
I guess gay people should leave the church, but I have a hard time saying that too. It's a thinker.
I think of homosexuality as a mental disorder, primarily, either a chemical imbalance people are born with or one that is a byproduct of some traumatic emotional situation. I don't really think they have a choice whether or not they are gay if they TRULY are, and not just experimenting or trying to get attention or whatever.
That being said, as with all things, the choice they do have is what they are going to do about it. I am not close enough to any homosexuals to know what making those choices are like, so I can't really pass any judgement. I just know it must be very, very difficult almost no matter what path they choose.
wow...people choose to live a difficult lifestyle?
A lifestyle that leaves them open to harsh judgement and ridicule?
wow!
I don't think people choose to be gay, or are mental because they are. I think it happens, and has happend for thousands of years.
Until people learn to accept that they're here and their queer, folks are going to need a beard.
Without that beard they are social outcasts in a society that tells them they are unnatural.
I'm not gay, but I think those that are, are brave to where such a scarlet "g" on their chest.
I wouldn't expose the man to be gay, who knows how much it could cost him besides a marriage...
This isn't Sodom and Goamorrah
I grew up being best friends with a guy that was gay, he wasn't openly gay until high school, but we all knew he was just from the way he was. I would marry this boy in a heartbeat! He was so sweet and loved kids, and very sensitive and understanding. He wasn't mormon, but a very good christian. Anyways, I believe that being gay is a form of sexual addiction, and I know of people that were "born gay" to go through the churches Addiction Recovery Program and become straight, and i mean straight, no temptations about other guys in any way. You just need a desire to want to follow the commandments.
Ok. So ready for this everyone. I had this problem. I mean, I'm a woman who developed feelings for another woman and it was the hardest thing of my life. I know the LDS church is the true church and I knew that I had a big choice to make. And yes, I think it is a choice. I personally feel it is more like alcoholism. Yes it might be something you are born with, but it is a choice if you want to act on it or not. In my case I couldn't give up all my beliefs and the chance to be a mother and wife for something that I KNEW was wrong no matter how I felt about that person. When I met my husband I was just able to take the sacrament again and before we got married I told him everything. I think when you make the right decisions based on your beliefs and you are honest with the person you marry that is all that can be asked of you. Heavenly father is there to help you through All of your struggles in life and when you give your life to Him, He helps lift those burdens. No need to leave the church or get divorced, just keep away from the "alcohol". I am proud to say that I have a beautiful family that I love more than anything I've ever known. I'm so glad I made the right choice.
My sister in law brought up a good point one day while we were discussing this same topic... Satan knows our weaknesses... Some temptations are smaller than others and some are bigger ie: "being gay"... We both came to the conclusion that we all have free agency and because Satan knows us as well or better than we know ourselves he is going to try and bring us down anyway he can. Just like with any tempatation or addition it is a personal choice to fall into it. I would personally tell the woman because when you do get married and are LDS you have expectations of a celestial marriage and I would be so disappointed if my spouse and I were not able to be together forever because of some "addition" that he couldn't or didn't want to overcome here on earth.
Unfortunately, I have also known a woman in this sad predicament. It was absolutely devastating for her. The most positive thing I can offer about her experience was that there were no children involved.
I really think that it is outrageously unfair for a man to insert himself into a woman's life in this manner...allowing her to love, adore, dote on, be intimate with...a man who could not return those feelings on the same level and then at some point have to bail out on her altogether, leaving her lied to, broken, untrusting...It's just so sad.
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