When a "Man Town" Turns Into a City

In American culture there exists a phenomenon called the “Man Town” or “Man Cave” that often takes the form of an office, den, garage, or media room. My household is no exception as my celestial sex partner has a room of his own where he's picked all of the décor and can do those things that interest just him, i.e. video games. This is also true for my parent’s house where my dad has an office, junk-stuffed garage, a shed even more packed, and a greenhouse- same for my grandfather, same for my brothers-in-law. Recently I’ve noticed these Man Towns have a tendency to populate, leading to an urban sprawl that spills over into other rooms. Am I alone in my observation? I know a few female friends who have their own rooms, usually for crafts and scrapbooking, but by and large, it’s usually the men who have their own space to lounge. Why do you think this is? Could it be some holdover from the 60’s? Do women not feel they are deserving of such a space, and when a new baby comes, why is it their space that is most likely to be sacrificed?

Deciding Eternity In A Day

My little sister’s BFF just returned from a mission, met a guy, and on Sunday after three months of dating, they announced they were engaged. This left me stunned, more so when she asked my parents if she could have the reception in their yard on October 3rd—the couple will have known each other less than six months by then. In the Mormon faith we consider marriage to not just be for life, but for ETERNITY…yet we have some of the shortest engagements and marriage counseling isn’t a prerequisite. This doesn’t make sense to me, what do you think? (Full disclosure: I dated my Celestial Sex Partner for 6 months/wrote on his mission 2 years/ dated another year, engaged 6 months and somehow we didn’t have sex before marriage).

Tonight was supposed to be the marriage of an acquaintance but it was called off five days before the temple ceremony. I was callous enough to inquire why and learned the bride had uncovered a trail of lies when it came time to get an apartment and make joint credit purchases. And you guessed it, they’d only been dating a few months before the engagement.

For those of you who read the earlier post "Beware of Men Who Don't Just Grow Beards, They Marry Them." That wedding was supposed to take place this month, but has been postponed until October. I’ve decided to mind my business and hope his bride will realize she’s hitching her wagon to an experienced gay ox that will only pull her away from the life she’s envisioned.

While I applaud the church’s emphasis on marriage, it would be nice if the younger generation took more time in choosing an eternal companion than they did when deciding on a new car, at least with a car you have to get a credit check.

To my CSP, happy anniversary and thanks for choosing this eccentric Molly to rock your world for the last fourteen years!

The Game of Home Teacher Torture

I’m passive-aggressive when it comes to our home teachers. The sisters in the ward gave up on me last year after a once a week letter campaign never bore fruit (my oldest child thought the homemade cards were from grandma and I had fun making up messages since he can't read). So after that failure, the ward sent in the heavy hitters. Now we have home teachers that are members of the Elder Quorum presidency. The two men have yet to visit us as a pair, which works for me because one of them I enjoy debating because he can keep it civil, while the other is just goose stepping his way to the celestial kingdom. The only thing I don’t like about the situation is that my celestial sex partner never remembers they are coming so they always catch us doing the random things couples do on a Sunday night when their small children have gone to bed. Who are these men that spend three hours at church, go to whatever meetings (which I thought weren’t supposed to be on Sunday), and then want to visit us?

The home teacher I’ll actually be present for says he’s fascinated by our “good” marriage because we’re such opposites when it comes to the church, (Translation: If this chick were my wife I'd be outta here!) What he fails to realize is that in this country many marriages are made up of mixed religions, you just have to practice tolerance, communication, and let the other person be who they are. The other reason I get a kick out of this home teacher is that he asks lots of questions which inevitably lead to answers that make his bum cheeks tense and his eyebrows jump. Now that’s my idea of fun and I think my CSP finds it entertaining too. Last month the HT asked why I didn’t go to church. I told him I was testing out the “at home church” pilot program and that so far, I was getting better results than when I sat in the pews. So please Bishop _________ keep the home teachers coming, otherwise we’ll be stuck watching reruns or playing Uno on Sunday nights.

God Told Him I Was "The One"

I’m always a little suspicious when God gives revelation to someone else on my behalf. Such was the case during the summer of 1995 when I was in college and going through what my BFF’s call my “seminary teacher phase.” That summer I was a dating magnet for future seminary teachers and it probably didn’t help that I was taking a heavy load of institute classes, was in the (LDS) Lambda Delta Sigma sorority, attending institute dances at every college, and was determined to catch me a strapping prophet in the making. I’d been dating several guys at the time, but started going out with one guy in particular several times, but it was nothing exclusive. He was a good seven years older than me, was about to graduate, had been student body president at the university, and was an awesome makeout. On the night in question we’d gone down to a “clean” comedy club near BYU, then afterwards I met his parents, and finally a little lovin’ on the family couch. As he was driving me home he kept asking deep questions about my testimony, which I answered with conviction. And then it all went bad. I remember sitting at a red light and him saying,

“What are your thoughts on marriage?” And of course my reply was positive.
“What are your thoughts on marrying ME?” He asked leaving me speechless. I can recall putting my hand on the car door handle and thinking we weren’t going that fast and that I could probably just roll off to the side if I jumped out.

When I didn’t respond his voice took on that shaky spiritual tone you often hear in testimony meetings and he said, “I’ve been praying about us and Heavenly Father has told me that you’re- “The One.” My mind raced between wanting to scream and wondering if Heavenly Father really had told him I should be his wife. “Pray about it and let me know," he said as we sat in the driveway of my parent’s house.
To which I responded,“Peter (fake name), we’ve had a lot of great dates, but I just don’t think I’m ready to marry you.” And he took it really well for a man who’d been talking to God only to find his “chosen” target was uncooperative.

A few days later I went to my sorority meeting. It was tradition that if a girl got engaged we’d have a “rose circle” and that night it was announced that there’d be one. Getting into a circle we started singing the sorority theme song (I know pathetic huh?) while we passed around a red rose, each girl lingering with it to fool everyone else into thinking it was them until it reached “Jessica,” one of my sorority sisters that I knew, but not that well. When it got to her and she refused to pass it on, all of us jumped up and down screaming. Someone asked who the groom was, and she responded with “Peter ______” and my heart sank. So, Heavenly Father does indeed work in mysterious ways and sometimes he gives those he talks to a Plan B.

From Here to Eternity

Thanks to everyone for your blog entries! They helped keep the site fresh over the 4th of July holiday while I took a break.

The first post about marriage prep. in the LDS church bothered me because it’s so true. In Utah it seems members of the church tend to get married young (I was 20) and often have speedy courtships (I know one couple that got engaged after two days and are not having trouble), which I think is due to the culture, but more so the goal of staying chaste until marriage. My husband and I agree that having sex was the big push for us to getting married when we did, luckily it's been good for over a decade since there was more to our relationship than raging hormones.

I find it hypocritical that there's a big focus on glossy Ensign story marriages, but the only counseling or guidance you receive are temple prep. courses and those aren't even about marriage but the temple being "sacred" not "secret" as they say. Well, the big secret is how to maintain that temple marriage for oh, say… eternity! What can you expect though when the church has a lay clergy like “Larry the bricklayer,” now the bishop, who isn't prepared (educationally and already has a day job) to do six months of marriage and finance counseling. His marriage seems to be barely floating along and he's probably up to his neck in debt himself, so what’s he got to say that two randy twenty-something’s still living with mom and dad will listen to?

Yes, there is a huge gap between the LDS vision of marriage and the reality. If marriage and the family are one of the church's keystones, then the best way to fix problems is not by focusing a few conference talks and mag articles on how to improve our marriages, but by instead spending our own tithing resources on giving couples the counseling they’ll need to make sure they can face mortality and eternity together. After all, eternity's a long time to spend with someone you married because you were horny without options.

Hot Drinks Until I'm 100

I have always followed the Word of Wisdom, even eating meat sparingly, but in the last year after finding that no matter what I ate or how much I exercised that my cholesterol levels stayed high, so much so that my doctor wanted to put me on medication, I started looking for alternatives to the drugs. What I learned was that in all the latest studies they have found overwhelming benefits to drinking green tea, something many centurions have in common. My mother started drinking green tea a few years back and has seen a significant reduction in her cholesterol levels, so I braced myself and brewed a cup, adding lots of Splenda. Now almost a year later, I look forward to two daily cups of green tea and I’ve also found a connection to my English grandmothers who are/were defiant Earl Gray tea drinkers. On Wednesday I go in to have my yearly cholesterol test and I’m curious to see the results!

My celestial sex partner and I have ongoing debates about the Word of Wisdom. While he says he has no problem with my tea drinking, I know he thinks his 4-can-a-day Diet Coke plus Red Bull habit is religiously superior. Just last night we got to discussing the merits of coffee and tea and he said the WW specifically calls them bad, but upon my disagreement we raced to the book shelf and found I was correct, the verbiage is “hot drinks,” which was not clarified until a later date when historical records show JS himself was not being a strict observer by using coffee, tea, and wine. Plus, I think the health information we have has evolved from 1833 when this “recommendation” was first revealed and became more culture than doctrine.

So yeah, there are many things that will knock me out of the celestial kingdom, but don’t you cola drinkers and large folks go around wagging your fingers at me- at least my rule breaking might lead to my living until 100.

7/4/08- With regard to this topic, I saw this news story today http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20080704/hl_time/doesgreenteahelptheheart

And God Said, "Just Do It."

I read this interesting article in Time magazine, so please check it out and look for my reaction post later today.

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1818197,00.html

This is one trend I hope the LDS church does not get involved with. It turns my stomach to think that "Larry," who is a bricklayer with a nervous laugh during the week but becomes "the bishop" when he puts on a tie and suit would think he has any perogative telling my celestial sex partner and I when, where and how to have sex. That also goes for those higher in the hierarchy. Also, I personally don't believe sex is the solution to a stale marriage, but the lack of it more a symptom of a floudering one-- having more bad sex, because let's face it when you aren't happy with your partner the sex can only be bad, won't jump start a relationship that's falling apart on all the other levels. While I see nothing wrong with scheduling sex, I simply think the belief that having more of it will improve your marriage is just another way to avoid the deeper issues.

At least these kinds of sermons will help keep the evangelicals in their bedrooms!

We Are The Gene Pool Gatekeepers

I read a shocking statistic from the Wall Street Journal- 38% of children are now born out of wedlock, a number that is rising. 28% are born to white single mothers, 50% among Hispanics, and 71% for blacks. It took my brain some time to wrap around those numbers and what they mean for the future of this country. One might be inclined to blame men for these atrocious statistics and I do, but I blame women more. As women it’s a biological fact that when we choose to have childbearing sex without negotiating the protective contract of marriage, we are often the ones left to shoulder all of the responsibility unless we’ve chosen a mate wisely. By not demanding that men become husbands before being fathers, we are helping to create a generation that will continue the welfare state unless something is done to better ensure a man’s accountability. Plus, gender equality can never be realized until both sexes are equally “burdened” by the day-to-day physical and financial acts of caring for children.

With statistics like these, do you think the ratio of whites to blacks in prison will ever improve? By having this new generation growing up without a father as husband, what do you think the future of our country will be?

Ladies, we are the gatekeepers to the gene pool and it’s time we blew the lifeguard’s whistle because too many of us are entering the water with a turd in our pocket instead of a ring on our finger.

Gentleman, The Research Agrees

Back on June 2nd, I put up a post titled, "It's Just That Simple," on how I find it sexy when my celestial sex partner does housework. Well, today on CNN there was a story about research that shows women are turned on by a mate who helps out, and why shouldn't he when that same research revealed your celestial sex partner creates seven more hours of housework for you...

Here's the link: http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/06/17/housework.relationships/index.html

I would advise printing the article out, rolling it up and then attaching it to a bottle of dish soap with a pair of lacy underwear. Martha Stewart don't you dare steal this gift idea.

What's Your Frequency Kenneth?

There’s one thing my best girlfriend and I love to chat about when we get together and that’s sex. Who’s having it (or had it) with whom, where, how/why they did it, and how often. I’m surprised that in an LDS circle of friends we have so much to talk about when it comes sex, but we’ve agreed that this too will pass as we all get older and our thoughts turn to erectile dysfunction, incontinence, or constipation.

As it now stands, if her husband were to join a naked line-up of men with paper bags on their heads, I’d place good money on my being able to pick him out even though I’ve only seen him in Dockers and a polo. You could say that when they have sex, I get a little piece of the action as well and trust me people, I’m not asking for it. One of the reasons she’s my best friend is because she’s one of the few people who can make my jaw drop and then show up to lead the primary music looking like she just came from an Ensign photo shoot. No one would suspect a thing and she’s probably living right next to you! Maybe she is you…

Well, recently, one of our discussions turned to how frequently we're having sex. I wasn’t real comfortable with this topic because it’s my husband’s biggest gripe and I felt even worse after she revealed they were having sex at least twice a week. They even had a month where they tried to have sex every day… I’d go blind after a week! Then last night I read in Cookie Magazine’s “Mrs. Young” section that their poll revealed- “…manage to have sex once a week (19 percent) or even more often (32 percent). Plus, 77 percent of us say we would like to have sex more frequently. The result that caused me the most worry, though, was the 18 percent who say they do it only a couple of times a year.” www.cookiemag.com/homefront/mrsyoung/2008/04/mrsyoungmay

Alright, what person with kids wouldn’t say they wanted sex more frequently---um, should I scrub off the high chair for the fifth time today or have sex? And, okay, those people only having sex a few times a year, God bless you, you make wives like me look like an energized harlot. So, here’s the solution to maintaining frequency that my celestial sex partner and I came up with—the “Sunday Sextacular,” and yes, it was me who came up with the name. Now all he does is hiss "SS" in my ear and I know I'm on the hook as we've dedicated Sunday night as our night to have sex come hell or high water. Think of it as a naughty Family Home Evening for adults, but without an opening hymn. While yeah, the mood may strike to have sex on another night, our SS is locked in on the calendar no matter what. (Note to home teachers and my mother: now you know one of the reasons we say "no" to Sunday night visits and why we don't answer the phone) One of the many benefits to a planned Sunday night rendezvous is it will have you waking up Monday morning starting the new week with a smile on your face.

I'm Not Dead You Know!

It’s summer, ah summer, the warmth, the long days, the pool, and the sweaty young women in sports bras running on the bike path. Sometimes I’m amazed my husband hasn’t run into a tree. For years I’ve put up with him casting sideways glances at beautiful women, which by they way has made me wonder if God’s really male because if he is, wouldn’t he have put one eye on the side of men’s heads so they didn’t have to strain to be secretive about looking? If your celestial sex partner is like mine, he can’t help himself and after a decade plus of marriage, I’ve given up trying to change him. Instead, I changed myself.

Just the other day we were driving to the library and a pair of male bicyclists were in front of us. Let me just say that black spandex and a helmet aren’t such a bad combo, especially when they’re on top of two muscular pedal sticks. “What’re you looking at?” he asked in a teasing tone, my eyes were on the spandex, bobbing up and down with every pedal push. “I’m not dead you know,” was my terse reply.

And there it was, if summer brought out an abundance of eye candy, then we’d both have rotten teeth by the end of it. Plus I’ve got to admit, it’s ratcheted up the sexual tension in our relationship and given me new insight into what he finds attractive. Who knows, I might even buy some spandex shorts to pull out if he presents lingerie on our next anniversary. The only thing killing our new foreplay is the gangly guy with the body hair of a sweaty llama who insists on running in nothing more than tight running shorts and tube socks every morning- talk about a cold shower.

Yep, It's Just That Simple

Whenever I’m in a waiting room there’s always a men’s magazine with an article offering advice on how to turn a woman on. Let me tell you, from what I’ve read they’ve got it all wrong, at least where wives and mothers are concerned. Those magazine experts and doctors advise men to buy sexy lingerie or perfume, to light a candle, play romantic music or take her to dinner, which worked in my single and childless twenties, but now that’s too much to hope for so there’s one proven technique for getting me in the bedroom and it’s free, which is a bonus in our waning economy. Here it is- housework. Yep, it’s just that simple, but that doesn't make for sexy magazine articles. All my husband has to do is load the dishwasher or sweep the floor and I feel a moan forming in the back of my throat. If he bends over to pick up the sweaty grass-stained socks he’s left on the bedroom floor for three days, I get a tingle up my leg. If he needs a sure thing, he can take the kids for an hour and help them clean their rooms while I take bath and guaranteed, the man will go to sleep happy.

Now, here’s where this gets messed up- men don’t believe us. I’ve told my celestial sex partner this several times when he’s wondering why I’m too tired for sex, but I wake up the next morning to find his dirty garments on the floor next to the shower. So, the next time you go to a bachlorette party, skip giving your friend the skimpy underwear or love potions and put together a basket with paper towels, window cleaner, dish soap, and a scrub brush because after a year of marriage, seeing them in her husband’s hands is what’s going to do it for her.

Beware Of Men Who Don't Just Grow Beards, They Marry Them

I’m concretely aware of three marital situations- one of them decades old and outwardly happy, one in the process of divorce, another couple engaged and all of them have something in common---the male is LDS and gay. There’s a slang term for a woman who marries a gay man hoping to cover up his sexuality or change it- she’s called his “beard.” In these cases all three woman had/have no idea their partner is gay.

As I’ve watched these pairings, knowing what I know and not feeling it my place to get involved, I’ve often thought this may be one of the greatest unintended tragedies resulting from our culture. I can only imagine the pressure these men are under to suppress and repent of their urges/actions all while believing in a faith that tells them what they’re feeling and doing is contrary to God’s commandments and they must want to stop or they’d leave the LDS church. Wanting to experience the blessings of family life and hoping things will change; they find an unsuspecting woman to marry. In all three of my cases she was/is similar- about to graduate unmarried from the singles ward, “sweet spirited,” and dating any wallet mule with a dollar in his pocket.

Together they make a life, have children, she believing everything is as it appears, he knowing it’s all born of a lie. I’ve seen these relationships last, but now I’m seeing the destruction it can bring to a family when the reality is uncovered. What of the women and children who learn their husband and father is gay? So I’m asking you, what should these men have done in the beginning- never married, been honest about their desires, left the church, or married just as they did?

By the way, the slang for a man who marries a lesbian is a “merkin” (I don’t currently know any couples like that), a merkin is a pubic hair wig worn by prostitutes in the early 19th century to hide lice and worse... Now there’s a vocab word that’s fun to take out for a spin on ladies night!