The Game of Home Teacher Torture

I’m passive-aggressive when it comes to our home teachers. The sisters in the ward gave up on me last year after a once a week letter campaign never bore fruit (my oldest child thought the homemade cards were from grandma and I had fun making up messages since he can't read). So after that failure, the ward sent in the heavy hitters. Now we have home teachers that are members of the Elder Quorum presidency. The two men have yet to visit us as a pair, which works for me because one of them I enjoy debating because he can keep it civil, while the other is just goose stepping his way to the celestial kingdom. The only thing I don’t like about the situation is that my celestial sex partner never remembers they are coming so they always catch us doing the random things couples do on a Sunday night when their small children have gone to bed. Who are these men that spend three hours at church, go to whatever meetings (which I thought weren’t supposed to be on Sunday), and then want to visit us?

The home teacher I’ll actually be present for says he’s fascinated by our “good” marriage because we’re such opposites when it comes to the church, (Translation: If this chick were my wife I'd be outta here!) What he fails to realize is that in this country many marriages are made up of mixed religions, you just have to practice tolerance, communication, and let the other person be who they are. The other reason I get a kick out of this home teacher is that he asks lots of questions which inevitably lead to answers that make his bum cheeks tense and his eyebrows jump. Now that’s my idea of fun and I think my CSP finds it entertaining too. Last month the HT asked why I didn’t go to church. I told him I was testing out the “at home church” pilot program and that so far, I was getting better results than when I sat in the pews. So please Bishop _________ keep the home teachers coming, otherwise we’ll be stuck watching reruns or playing Uno on Sunday nights.