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Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Blog On My Blog
This is it, your chance to tell us all what's on your mind. You get to write today's blog entry--try to keep it 200 words and on a "taboo topic related to motherhood or Mormonism," and those depraved souls who read (and write) this blog will give you our feedback. Just post your entry like a comment and those posting feedback please identfy which post you're responding to. And yes, you can post as anonymous, but just remember the one thing I've asked you to do in the Welcome! message....please don't post anything so bad I have to call your mother.
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15 comments:
I wish directly after I had said "Yes" to that big, fat engagement ring that glimmered in the sunlight that someone had jumped into my perfect movie and tossed a book in my face...the book would have been titled "Celestial Marriage Debunked: Making it to your wedding day morally clean doesn't automatically score you a happy marriage even though your bishop says so" (Insert alternate titles here, that's just what my bishop always said while I was in YW). And someone should have given my husband "Just because you got her to the altar doesn't mean you need to quit being nice and communicative". Ok, those titles suck, but my point is this. I'm disappointed in the way our church heralds a celestial marriage like it's the end all to anyone's problems. That it's the balm of Gilead to marital issues. "Unhappy couples? Well they must not be married IN THE TEMPLE". Why isn't there MORE before that special day to help prepare you for the reality of marriage? It's just not there. People lie to you about how wonderful their marriage is, and your parents somehow manage to hide the fact they haven't been interested in each other since you were 10. THAT is more the reality. You go to the temple, and expect that the happiness will last purely because you've done your part...at least that's what everyone says.
I've been married 8 years and I'm feel incredibly cheated lately that my marriage isn't the happiest. I feel like I've done everything in my power to make and deserve that happiness, yet here I am with 34 extra pounds on my butt, kids EVERYWHERE in diapers all around me, and a husband who when home is more interested in the latest video game then having a conversation with me. If we do start to talk, it usually turns into a fight. I know that's pretty normal for this stage of marriage, but I'm worried we'll never make it back to where we "were"...you know, the blissfully happy days of {pre-kids} just enjoying each other. I'm wondering why we don't have more realism in our sunday lessons, instead of talking about how wonderful it is to be married, blah,blah,blah.
Friends of ours in another church were required to go through 6 months of marital classes that included problem solving, personality trait typing, and financial management training where they were REQUIRED to track their spending for the entire 6 months and disclose all their past spending habits...all that BEFORE the pastor would agree to marry them. If they didn't complete it, they either had to do it again or no marriage. Wanna know what? We know 6 couples closely that have gone through that pre-marital training and they have GOT IT TOGETHER as couples. They put our heavenly celestial marriage to shame. They started with a plan, they knew their partner's positives and negatives, and they went into the marriage with open eyes and savings accounts that had at least a 3 month cushion in them. I would think that a religion with so much vested in families would have a better pre-marriage training and post marriage support system, like counseling readily available without stigma. I mentioned counseling to my bishop one day to see if there was an easy resource to help us work out a few of the kinks...He immediately freaked and wanted to know "WHAT was going ON with us", like my husband had been employing a call girl or I'd gone and gotten knocked up by the neighbor.
*sigh*
I know that was incredibly scattered...but do you get what I'm sayin'?
Um...sorry...I think I missed the part where you said 200 words....
:)
I know that motherhood is supposed to be the most wonderful, rewarding and fulfilling thing you can do. So why doesn't it feel that way? Don't get me wrong I love my boys. I love all the strange silly things they do, all the fun stuff they make up. I love watching them in plays, getting school awards etc. But I love them so much more when I can get away from them and do something for myself once in a while. Sometimes it's nice to miss them.This should be emphasized in church don't you think? Don't feel guilty about putting them in day care a couple days a week why you take a class at school, or work part time, or just have some hobby that takes you away from home and family. You need it! And you know what? Your family and kids probably need a break from you too. So while being a mom is wonderful -- It shouldn't be the ONLY thing you are. Knowledge, education, talents, all these things are good and beneficial for us, and I believe in the eyes of God. I think the church is getting slightly better but still -- being told your place is in the home as a mother and its supposed to be wonderful just makes you feel like crap when you are tired, frustrated, and just want to get out, and then you get to feel guilty about feeling that way. And that's just not how it should be.
Oh and to respond to anonymous above --- Amen! We have this fairy tale of what marriage should be, and as long as you are in the church it should all be easy as long as you are "in tune". And its not. My marriage to my catholic husband is 10 times better than it was to my LDS ex. And their religions have nothing to do with it -- it's how we communicate etc. Which is not something I was told, but my current husband always was. As a teen he had to take sunday school classes on relationships, how to talk to each other, how to de-code each others talk etc. I think that is awesome. Why don't we do that?
My neighbors are jealous of me. Not because of money (not rich), good looks (in my dreams) or because I have a sparkling personality (hardly). They are envious because my husband frequently takes short trips out of town for various reasons and theirs don't. These jaunts usually involve our taking grandsons out to the ranch or to Buddhist retreats, both places where I am reasonably comfortable that he is behaving himself.
I live in a adult-only community and most of the men are retired. It seems their only purpose in life is to bug the hell out of their wives and follow them everywhere asking inane questions. The poor ladies get no relief or time alone.
Zeus left this morning with the two boys. I will join him tomorrow and stay overnight at the ranch. Tonight I will spend a quiet evening by myself picking out daggers that my adorable neighbor ladies just launched at me. But first I am going to have ice cream with carmel sauce for supper.
Add to above comment: Temple marriages are no guarantee. Ask my ex. I'm the only one around here on Sunday morning doing yardwork and loving it.
I agree that there needs to be more awareness on what it takes to make a marriage work. Also on the fact that sealing isn't the end all for happiness. It's the beginning. It takes a lot of work.
I hate when my husband leaves. I miss him so much. He is in the army so it happens often. He is gone right now, 5 months to go to see him again. Everyone who has their husbands are so lucky.
Motherhood: I feel like I am drowning in it a lot. I wish I had more fun with my kids. It just seems like a lot of work sometimes. I feel terrible saying it. Sometimes I feel like such a lazy and terrible mother.
to the first anonymous poster: I understand what you mean by the whole "getting married in the temple creates a perfect marriage". I would suggest looking into the "building a celestial marriage" institute class. I took it with my fiance before we were married and we go by what we learned and have a great marriage. It teaches everything from communication, finances, and even the bedroom intimacy, all with the gospel standpoint. It was a great form of "premarital counseling" and here in spokane,WA they let all ages come, married or single. They sell the student manual for it at deseret book (i just saw it there the other day) and if they dont have the classes in your area talk to your bishop and see if he can get them started.
i think the whole thing is messed up. you only get a "celestial marriage" if you're married in the temple.
i can think of a dozen couples that were married in the temple and follow the "rules", yet they're terrible to one another.
nice...if my husband and i don't put on a silly apron and a hat, we won't be together in the after life?
is brigham young up there with his 36+ wives?
Ginanne, I am from Spokane too! Where are those classes?
I agree that there is a stigma about counseling in the church and I hate it. I am 25, have been married for four years, and have a 6 month old baby, and let me say that I have no idea what I am doing. I love love love my family and I do want to be with my husband forever but sometimes I wonder how I will actually DO it. But I am totally afraid that like the first post I will be looked at like I've commited some big sin or that the bishop won't think the "kinks" in my marriage are big enough to need ironing. I just want some professional advice on techniques on communicating, my lack of labido, and someone to help us get through to eachother. And, I believe it is a problem how everyone thinks marriage is going to be this whole blissful thing and within a year are getting divorced because it is not what they expected or what they were prepared for, SO I tell people the truth. I tell them how it totally sucks sometimes and you wonder what you got yourself into. So I hope that my honesty doesn't deter something that is meant to be, but I agree that people need to be better informed.
I wasn't sure what to make of your blog when I first started reading it. Yes, we are VERY human being LDS. I was wondering if the genre here would be considered "uplifting", when I thought of something that IS uplifting, I feel, to post here from me.
The LDS faith, motherhood and sex are all very real topics, however, I'm becoming a neuropsychologist in a field that is VERY taboo among our religion - psychosocial addictions. Sounds harmless, except, I'm becoming a doctor who's studying psychological and social addictions - addictions where you're addicted to a thought process, or a social behavior that are destructive. More specifically, my studies have taken me into the realms of pornography and everything associated with it. It really isn't something I want to be known for, but I really felt the answers to these issues (child sexual abuse, childhood sexual activity, pornography addiction, adultery, pick one!) aren't out there in a clear-cut form for the world, let alone the church, and I've decided to help by becoming a Ph.D. specializing in this field.
I used to be a police officer, and I come from an abusive home, and am a veteran, and I found the principles of these issues PERVADE EVERYTHING ELSE!
That by understanding recovery and causes to these issues, we may understand more of what makes us healthy!
I've been stunned to find that the outlines of repentance given in the church really ARE the roots to even recovering as a child-sex-offender (Yes, I work with them, too). However, I've found the details of the biology and psychology of these more fascinating as I see how basic everything is, and yet how complex - socially, biologically, mentally, emotionally, personally, historically and especially as relating to society.
Somtimes it is difficult because the topic requires me to get "down and dirty" with an individual to find out what is going on, and explaining it requires me to be very direct at times, but it is very spiritually enlightening.
It is important that we learn to be appropriate in these things - my goal ultimately is to teach the masses and overhaul the education, social and legal system regarding these things and PREVENT them, rather than spend my time curing them. But I just thought I would share....I've got some amazing work done in the field, and I hope to have some more....maybe I can share it here sometime.
~matt
Matt -
God bless you. It may be down and dirty sometimes but I know that what you are doing is neccessary and good! I have known people who suffer from social addictions and it is every bit as devastating as chemical abuse. Good work Matt and keep it up!
Yes, it is very direct at times. I find I'm more often than not dealing with the chemistry of the brain and the processing of an image than I am the explicitness of a position.
Interestingly, the brain does not distinguish between an image and reality.
So, when one views a pornographic image, there is an UNCONTROLLED release of massive chemicals in the body, one of which is "oxytocin" which simulates the feelings of "love", another is dopamine, which helps you feel normal quite often, in large amounts makes you HAPPY and euphoric and wonderful feeling!
So, the brain processes the image as real and has an emotional response, and all of a sudden a male finds himself (and now we're seeing more females addicted to pornography due to the internet! Women generally take a bit longer to respond to an image, but with the time they are getting in front of the PC they are getting the time required to become addicted to the images and have an emotional sexual response to a visual image, something previously only generally seen in males) in "love" with a picture.
The encounter is brief, requires no thought on his part, no consideration for the other persons needs or wants, she simply exists to gratify him, no real interaction takes place, and he has a climax to it.
Suddenly, relationships are a pain-in-the-neck, too much work. In addition, there is a "downer" period from the sustained rush from looking at the images. More than would normally be released!
The body compensates by reducing the amount released into the system, and soon, the only way to feel "normal" is by looking at and engaging with pornography.
Soon, the body is completely out of whack, social isolation occurs due to embarassment, social progress is stilted and halted with the extent of social interaction occuring with emotional images and a facet of the male's sexuality and women and people become a mystery and not understood.
Soon, pornography is the only escape for the male/female.
The only way of achieving satisfaction.
Depending on the indivual, they may go on to a life of crime, a criminal act - often very small and innocuous in the beginning - is the only way to get the rush from what pornography used to provide.....I've watched the interviews with Ted Bundy (serial rapist and murderer) and he attributes his life of crime to starting with soft core pornography found behind the book shelves in the stores.
In psychology there is what is called the "diathesis stress model" - diathesis is greek for vulnerability. The diathesis stress model states that we all have a biological/psychological predisposition to become addicted to EVERYTHING, but we require the right amount of stress in our environment to trigger that vulnerability. I.E. the native americans were alcoholics, just their environment didn't have alcohol in it, so the vulnerability wasn't triggered. Other people may have a very HIGH HIGH HIGH resistance to alcoholism, but if you SEVERELY whack out their environment and stress, there is a point where they will become susceptible to alcoholism. The same goes with cocaine, marijuana, sexual addiction, pornography, food addiction...you name it! We can all become addicted. I'm finding very often that addictions and perversions aren't so much a result of some moral failing (though that does happen and IS a factor) but a result of a combinations of factors.
In all this - there is the aspect of "object relations". Object relations is a facet of psychology that has to deal with how an individual perceives themselves and relates to other objects or people in the world.
At the base of it all - as far as I can tell - is self esteem. How we perceive ourselves.
The human brain has a REQUIREMENT - just as YOUR LUNGS NEED AIR - the brain REQUIRES its self to be right.
Without it - a phenomenon called cognitive dissonance occurs - a very uncomfortable feeling of living in an irrational world, doubt of self and the world can occur....it can cause anxiety until the issue is resolved.....(I'm not an expert on cognitive dissonance). Cognitive dissonance MUST and WILL be resolved by the brain.
Now the human brain has been conditioned in many instances to see its self as filthy - it must now behave in order to confirm this.
A brain that thinks its self "wrong" may act to PROVE that it is wrong.
As in, "I'm a filthy individual who looks at pornography and I cannot stop!" Then, in order to feel good about themselves, they look at pornography just so they can be right! The brain is very unconscious but very persuasive in all this. Hence the saying in proverbs, "As a man thinketh in his heart....so is he"! We can see the psychology of the standard works! This can happen with "I'm not loved by God...I'm a dirty girl and nobody will love me for who I am..." and voila, we can see the young girl acts to fulfill this prophecy and mode of thinking....HOW IMPORTANT ARE HEALTHY FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS!!!!
An individual may need to progress slowly, from "I don't need to do that every day" to "I don't look at THAT stuff anymore" and it can take some time.....
Through it all, though, the human brain WILL need to be justified, all the while battling the chemical dispositions it has created in the human body. A normal healthy relationship will NOT be as satisfying as pornography - the brain doesn't receive the chemical rush from it!
Pornography is DANGEROUS! It really does mess with the head! I can go into the stats, but 100% of those who are normally functional (i.e. not retarded) have these responses to it in one of a multitude of forms.
Similarly, the internet and "strange" topics and bizarre depcitions that waste so much time on here can have the same effect. The topic may be shocking, or outrageous in its depiction or suggestion - the brain has to deal with this shocking or strange input it is receiving and the object (be it a hot chick dressed strangely, a weird juxtaposition of clothing that doesn't appear "normal" or a strange set of ideas often found in the intellectual blogs such as how Che Juevara was a nice guy and loved children and he and Hitler were gay....conspiracy theories....stuff like that) must now be studied to be made sense of. Meanwhile the brain now in handling this new information thinks it is learning something as it tries to make sense of it, when in reality the topic is dulling the senses and is nonsensical that cannot be made sense of. Cognitive dissonance kicks in and the brain will MAKE a connection and "wisdom" will be found! Suddenly the masses hail it as a "great masterpiece!" when in reality it is a bunch of sensational tripe that dampens intellect.....
YES! My topic is fascinating and I'm currently working with rehabilitating sex offenders...I'm in the minority because I believe it can be done! And amazingly, it CAN be, I've SEEN it myself. But what I want to understand is how we get there....and what I'm seeing the best safeguard is...a mom and a dad who pay attention to and listen to their children and love them and raise them up to love and respect themselves...I'm the optimist! I believe we can overcome ANYTHING....I think we just need to understand ourselves and the world around us so we can handle it.
The moral failings and shortcomings I see more often than anything stem from a failed perception of self and the world as they relate to each other, and the behavior is a manifestation of the misperception....
I could go on....but this is enough for now. I'm supposed to limit this to 200 words....I think I did 3 pages here.
~matt
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