Of Good Report AND Praiseworthy

Originally my goal was to write everyday, but I've decided to do a "Good Report" section each Sunday instead. I pride myself on being what the author of The Tipping Point calls a "maven." Here's his definition:

"Mavens are the information gatherers of the social network. They evaluate the messages that come through the network and they pass their evaluations on to others, along with the messages. Mavens drive many of our social institutions. They are the people who inform the better business bureau, regulate prices, write letters to senators, etc. in order that the rest of us don't have to." Case in point, I've already written two letters this week, but lucky for my senator, I gave her the week off- bank and newspaper, one happy, the other no so much.

So, on Sunday's I'll post anything I've found that I think you might enjoy. My taste runs to the unusual as I'm constantly striving to experience some little-known piece of Eden, plus I try to avoid the trends everyone is clamoring for in hopes that I can enjoy the next fad before the masses mess it up.

Here's my offering for this week:

Rent the movie, "The King of Kong A Fistful of Quarters" This will take you back to high school chess club when the kid with coke-bottle glasses got mad and overturned the table causing a rumble to break out. Okay, that didn't happen, but this documentary is one awesome nerd fight about trying to be the world champion of Donkey Kong!

Please check it out and post a comment to let me know what you thought of the recommendation.

The Dangers Of Liquid Hair

My celestial sex partner asked for something shocking this week, at least for him. “I think it’s time for Rogaine,” he said driving our mini-van to the park, kids screaming in the back. “Are you talking about for me or you?” I asked prepared to be offended, but he kept our marital relationship intact by pointing to himself. Honestly, his request scared me. It’s one thing for me to be soaking in anti-wrinkle cream every night, but now my husband was starting to worry about his signs of aging? Isn’t he the one who’s supposed to age gracefully turning into someone regal and debonair, while women we just, well, rot? Besides, he’s only missing an inch of hair at his temples, barely noticeable, while I’m farming new groves of it in dark unsavory places soon to be exposed at the local pool- what’s he got to complain about? But I humored him- sort of, I didn’t buy the $48 dollar brand name bottle of liquid hair, instead I bought the $18 Target brand and for the warnings on the back of the box alone, it was worth it. They were the gold standard of common sense medical warnings and here they are just as he read them standing shirtless in the bathroom mirror-

DO NOT USE IF:
- you are a woman (huh, okay, we’re off to a bad start. I waited to see if a confession was forthcoming, none was so all set on that one)
- you have no family history of hair loss (his father has the fullest head of hair you will ever see and all other male relatives are long dead, so this one was a mystery)
- your hair loss is sudden and/or patchy (if you have this kind of hair loss and you've bought some Rogaine, you’ve probably got bigger problems like a poor sense of urgency and mixed up priorities)
- you do not know the reason for you hair loss (okay, this one stumped us, does any man going bald know why?)
- do not use on babies and children (Really!?! There are people out there so worried about their baby not having hair they resort to Rogaine?)
- your scalp is red, inflamed, infected, irritated and painful (again, this is for those guys who haven’t clued in that they’ve got bigger problems than hair loss and somehow they think they can grow hair on a weeping scalp wound?)

He put the bottle back in the box and asked that I return it.

Beware Of Men Who Don't Just Grow Beards, They Marry Them

I’m concretely aware of three marital situations- one of them decades old and outwardly happy, one in the process of divorce, another couple engaged and all of them have something in common---the male is LDS and gay. There’s a slang term for a woman who marries a gay man hoping to cover up his sexuality or change it- she’s called his “beard.” In these cases all three woman had/have no idea their partner is gay.

As I’ve watched these pairings, knowing what I know and not feeling it my place to get involved, I’ve often thought this may be one of the greatest unintended tragedies resulting from our culture. I can only imagine the pressure these men are under to suppress and repent of their urges/actions all while believing in a faith that tells them what they’re feeling and doing is contrary to God’s commandments and they must want to stop or they’d leave the LDS church. Wanting to experience the blessings of family life and hoping things will change; they find an unsuspecting woman to marry. In all three of my cases she was/is similar- about to graduate unmarried from the singles ward, “sweet spirited,” and dating any wallet mule with a dollar in his pocket.

Together they make a life, have children, she believing everything is as it appears, he knowing it’s all born of a lie. I’ve seen these relationships last, but now I’m seeing the destruction it can bring to a family when the reality is uncovered. What of the women and children who learn their husband and father is gay? So I’m asking you, what should these men have done in the beginning- never married, been honest about their desires, left the church, or married just as they did?

By the way, the slang for a man who marries a lesbian is a “merkin” (I don’t currently know any couples like that), a merkin is a pubic hair wig worn by prostitutes in the early 19th century to hide lice and worse... Now there’s a vocab word that’s fun to take out for a spin on ladies night!

She's Doin' The Nasty With A Coach Bag

In the past few weeks two of my friends have confessed to infidelity. To make it even worse, they’ve both been doing it at the mall. One of them was kind enough to spell out the details of a particularly sordid episode where she admitted to feeling a little low about herself on the day in question, which happens when you’re a woman like us- a mother who puts her children and husband first and who rarely gets the chance to dress up and go out all while watching your youth fade away in the vanity mirror. Plus, some days your kids are more than you can stand so you feel like rewarding yourself for not killing them—yet. So, you run out looking for a not-so-cheap thrill.

“Feeling bad about yourself happens,” I reassured her, “After awhile you start to wonder what’s happened to, well- you, and off to the mall you go looking for redemption only to find temptation. Before you know it, you’ve picked up a new toy, one you’ll put in the closet for a few weeks, then pull out and hope your husband doesn’t notice.” Unfortunately for me, I picked an opinionated metrosexual husband who notices such things. “Yes,” she agreed, “That’s how it started, except now I’m doing it all the time and it’s costing us a fortune. Jake (name change to protect the innocent) wonders why we can barely keep up with the mortgage.”

The experts call what she’s doing financial infidelity and maybe some of you will recognize that you've also got a cheating heart. My friend’s vice is designer bags, but she tells her husband they’re from Target, since he won’t know the difference and she pays all the bills so he doesn’t see those either. Now I’ve had financial affairs, but never with a big-ticket item because, well, I’m too cheap. My secret vice is buying overpriced European chocolate bars and eating them in my minivan before I have to go home and share, but they say chocolate is the gateway to more serious crimes, so I'm trying to stop...

So, are you having a financial affair? With whom- Louie V, Versace, Coach? What advice do you give to friend who is stealing her family’s financial future for a fashion season of name-brand vachetta leather rubbing against her chest?

Help! My Ta-tas Are Caught In a Double Bind

For the most part I’ve always liked my breasts, once I was even brave enough to take them out for a public spin on a topless beach in Italy (my husband about died from embarrassment and then excitement lying on the beach towel next to me, nobody else cared)—of course this was before I had kids, resulting in a chest that now looks like two mounds of uncooked and over-kneaded pizza dough.

So I’ve now reached the age where female friends and acquaintances are finished having their families, so some have purchased new boobs. What, you say, aren’t we taught to love our God-given bodies? Well, yeah, and I’m sure they do, they probably just see them as temples with steeples that are wobbly or would look better without all the scaffolding around them. Which brings me to my point, there’s a double bind going on here ladies, one that has our breasts being pulled in opposite directions.

According to Forbes magazine, Salt Lake City is “America’s Vainest City,” scoring above Miami and L.A. I might add. While there were many factors that went into this great honor, the numbers were telling, http://www.forbes.com/. I thought someone at the magazine had messed up until I took a summer walk downtown for a looksie and started listening to the conversations of the women around me. Exhibit A- while at the park a few weeks back, I was eavesdropping on a group of five women sitting on a blanket, their kids on the playground. They were talking about when to get their “boob jobs” (I'm willing to bet that will be the only "job" some of them have outside of motherhood) and what cup size they’d get. I knew for certain these women were LDS due to the other topics they discussed, plus one of them flashed her garments above her capri's every time she bent over.

So, if the LDS church teaches that our bodies are temples, womanhood divine, why the record rush in Utah to change our physical form through cosmetics and surgery? I'm made to feel culturally that if I don't reflect female perfection in body and mind, I'm a failure, a frump. It seems the church sends out one message, mormon society another. Why are the messages contradicting? All I know is that on the morning of the resurrection you’ll know who I am--- I’ll be the only woman whose nipples are still pointing south.

A Sinful Snip

A week back I saw a news story that the LDS church handbook had been put online through www.wikileaks.org Being the curious chick I am, I had to read it, yep, the whole thing. Let me just say I never knew baptizing “trannies” was an issue (that would explain a few people in the ward), but basically that’s as exciting as it got until I hit page 197 out of 198. Here’s the passage:

Surgical Sterilization (Including Vasectomy)
The Church strongly discourages surgical sterilization as an elective form of birth control. It should be considered only if (1) medical conditions seriously jeopardize life or health or (2) birth defects or serious trauma have rendered a person mentally incompetent and not responsible for his or her actions. Such conditions must be determined by competent medical judgment and in accordance with law. Even then, the persons responsible for this decision should consult with each other and with their bishop and should receive divine confirmation of their decision through prayer.

We currently have two children and day to day, depending on how crazy things have been, the number of children my husband and I want changes, but one thing never has- that when we decide we’re done having babies, he will graciously submit himself to a vasectomy. My body will have been through enough, so tag--- he’s now it. Well, come to find out it’s pretty much classified as a sin since I don’t have a medical condition unless you count temporary insanity resulting from the serious trauma of finding (1) a small child has wiped red lipstick on my date night dress or (2) done some disgusting business in the toliet and left it unflushed in a non-airconditioned house the whole week we were on vacation. "Honey, why does the house smell like the sewer? Oh, that's why!"

So, what do you think? Is it worth possibly falling short of the celestial kingdom to have one sinful snip that results in decades of carefree sex?

A New Species Found In Utah- The Bald Beaver

For my birthday, I requested an intimate gift- laser hair removal on my bikini line. Lately it seems the advertising for it is everywhere and I’ve sat on the sidelines waiting for the prices to fall, but no more! To look at me, you’d think I was “normal” when it comes to the quantity of hair “down there,” but no it’s not. I found this out the last time I got waxed. I’d also had a manicure, which they cruelly did first, so I wasn’t able to take off my own shorts. When the Vietnamese woman doing the waxing took them off (which felt odd in itself), I heard her gasp, then for the next fifteen minutes I had to endure a lecture in broken English about how I needed to get rid of all the hair so, “husband come home from work.” Then she gave me a wink as she mercilessly ripped it all out while I lay helpless, holding my wet nails up to dry.

It seems some latent gene from my Baltic ancestry decided I would have the curse of the werewolf crotch. I told my husband some guys like a full beaver pelt, and his teasing reply was, “Yeah, and they lived in Communist Russia.” Clearly, something needs to be done. When I asked my friends for referrals, I found out all kinds of things about their body hair that I never would’ve guessed… The most shocking of all was that the most conservative woman of the bunch is now as bald as the day she was born. I’m debating about how ready I am for that, plus anything involving stirrups and a real laser is more than I bargained for outside of the bedroom. On the other hand, it would be nice to never have to think about it again. What do you think- should I join the new species of bald beavers or keep a lady-like landing strip that will need regular lawn maintenance?

I Didn't Know Tupperware Could Be Made In THAT Shape!

Once my friends got married several annoying things began to happen, but the peskiest thing of all is that they started having parties. You know, you've been invited to them when your home teacher has you cornered- Pampered Chef, Stampin' Up, Tupperware (yes, there's a lady in the ward who still does this and is one of the best in the country I might add), Silpada, etc. Why is it my husband has never once been invited to such a party?

Well, shocker of shockers, one of my friends (who is more devout than I) is having a "Passion Party," which is for sex toys. Yes, you read that right, a mormon sex toy party as I assume she's going to invite the ladies in our circle. While I like to think of myself as a little more liberal when it comes to sex (at least in private), this has me flipping out. How exactly does one act at such a party? Am I supposed to balance the snappy appetizer of the moment in one hand while holding a dayglo vibrator in the other? What does one say at such a party? Usually at Pampered Chef parties I say things like, "Wow, I could really use this!" or "Yeah, I can see this gadget saving me time." I don't think those phrases will work for this party... I checked out the website to see what the offerings would be and now I'm really worried, what if I get the "Kicker 200" only to find the woman next to me got the "Jack Rabbit 4,000." How do I go home and explain that to my husband?

Also, at other parties, they demonstrate the products. Let me just say, I'll go just because I'm curious to see how the host goes about doing that- oh, and I'm hoping there's a few ladies that I'll get to see blush. Now if I could only come up with an appropriate appetizer to bring! Any suggestions?